How To Shit Like a Woman/Man
How to shit like a woman:
Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.
With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.
Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.
Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.
Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.
Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.
Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.
Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).
Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.
Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.
Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.
Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
How to shit like a man:
Select reading material.
Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.
Open reading material and relax.
Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs
and buttocks.
Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible
traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper
before throwing it into the bowl.
Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the
paper.
Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.
Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use
it again later).
Wash your hands once.
Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
