WANTED A VIRGIN

 

Wanted A Virgin   A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is another way that will cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes. After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. "Simple... I tied your pubic hairs together!"   mmmmm   Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing. "You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing. "Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this." "Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"   mmmmm   The other day I met this really attractive girl and after a few hours and a quite a few drinks the topic turned to sexual fantasies. "My fantasy," she said, "is to be fucked by 12 inches AND to bleed!" Willing to oblige I took her home, fucked her three times and punched her in the mouth.   mmmmm   His dick is most surely a dilly, A grand and marvelous Willie. His gal loves to give head, But most often instead, He ends by just screwing her silly. A decent young fellow named Herm Was equipped with a geyser-like worm: The size wasn't much But its volume was such That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.

TOP NEW NAMES FOR SEXUAL POSITIONS

Top New Names For Sexual Positions . . .

- The IRS position...  where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube. - The Brainsqueeze...  otherwise known as performing cunnilingus correctly. - The Humidor...  (requires a cigar and an intern). - The Butt Rut...  (self explanatory but obligatory reference to ass screwing). - The Monday Night Football Colotial...  (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your favorite team). - The Kentucky Derby...  (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens! - The "Osama Bin Dover"...  (valley vixen) - The Bin Laden...  Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide. - Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive. - The Bugs Bunny...  It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head. - The British telecom position...  you get FUCKED by them and they never call you back. - The Grenade Position...   I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me. - The Enron Position...   no matter what, you're getting it up the ass. - Totally Screwed...  the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of... - The accountant double entry...  (cumagain). - And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:     The ever-famous... "No, you gotta get your leg up higher... no, not like  that, like this... NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina... NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again... Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"   There were three faggots who wanted to commit suicide. The first one landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road. The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car. The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!

TOP 10 ONLINE LIES

Top 10 Online Lies

10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend". 9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before." 8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more about yourself." 7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited" 6. "Yes of course I'm female............" 5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one?" 4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out" 3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop) 2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts" (Which is true, except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type") 1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.   Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle.  Bubba stopped to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road.  Soon after, Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had happened. "Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and told me to take whatever I wanted.  I chose the bicycle." Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right choice, cuz them  panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

THE MILKMAN

 

The Milkman One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him in the kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time! When they dress and go down, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the milkman is really surprised, and asks where the 5 dollars are for. She replies: "Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday today, and he said: "So what, fuck the milkman, give him 5 bucks." But the breakfast was entirely my idea!"   Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"   The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm." A young boy comes home from school one day, and on going to his room, he hears thumping and squeaking from his parents' room. He naively opens the door to see what is going on, and beholds his dad "giving it" to his mom rather vigorously. While his mom doesn't notice, his dad looks up to see him there, and gives him a big grin and a wink. The next evening, dad comes home from work. He hears banging and squealing from his son's room. He opens the door to see what's happening, and the son is banging his own grandmother! The son looks up to see his father standing there, and says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

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THE BEST

 

The Best A bloke walked up to a hooker and asked how much she charged for a hand job. "$100," she replied. "Fuck," said the bloke. "That's a bit rich isn't it?" "See that Porsche parked over there?" she said. "I own it because I give the best hand jobs in town." The bloke thought that this was OK and agreed to the fee. The hand job went on for hours. the bloke loved it so much that he asked how much she charged for a head job. "$250," she replied. "Fuck!" sighed the bloke. "That's a bit rich isn't it?" "See that block of units behind the Porsche?" said the whore. "I paid for that with cash because I give the best head jobs in town." "Crikey," said the bloke. "I'll give that a go." When the pro finished the best head job the bloke had ever had, he asked her how much for the real thing. "See that factory behind the block of units?" she asked. "Yeah," replied the bloke. "Well," she sighed, "That'd be mine if I had a pussy!" _____________   A barefoot Irish girl brought her baby boy to the doctor and told him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What do you think the problem is?" Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed. "The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow shit in you son's drawers!" "Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go." ________   Mommy, Mommy! What's a lesbian? Go ask Daddy, she'll know.   Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress? You know it won't fit over your iron lung.   Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet? Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute Can Granny take me? Why? Her hand shakes.

STUTTERING PROBLEM

 

Stuttering Problem   A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks,  "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor  replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.   Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!   bbbbb    What is the difference between a woman sitting in Church and a woman sitting in the bath tub? The woman sitting in Church has hope in her soul and the woman sitting in the bath tub has soap in her hole.   bbbbb   What's the definition of "relative humidity"? That's the sweat running down the crack of your ass as you're screwing your sister-in-law.   bbbbbbbbbbbbbb

ROBIN HOOD

ROBIN HOOD

(The Untold Story)   You've heard the tale of Robin Hood And how he did poor people good There is more to this famous story of Sherwood Forest's pride and glory At night when all the robbing was done The merry men would have some fun In fact it would be fair to say The merry men were rather gay As Little John starts to unwind Robin takes him from behind As they frolic in the grass Robin rams it up his arse One night when they were all at play A gorgeous maiden came their way She sauntered up to Friar Tuck And said "I'm Marion - wanna fuck?" Friar could not believe his ears "She's offering sex to all us queers!" While he recovered from the shock Robin presented her with his cock Marion's clothes were off in a flash And three merry men all had a bash For Marion this was sheer bliss As they filler her every orifice When all was done she gave a whine "Thank you boys for a lovely time. But for your pleasure you must pay I've got the pox - have a nice day." "Now listen here" said Friar Tuck "We really don't give a fuck" "The laughs on you, you silly cow" "We've all got AIDS - so who's fucked now!" ________ Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?" The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking." ________ Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One fag turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Steve?" "Sure." "Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!" "No shit?" Steve asked. "Well, hardly any." ________________________________________

PAUL'S PHUNNIES

 

Paul's Phunnies Confucious Say... It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who sit on tack, get point. Man with hand on tool not always mechanic. Man who lives in glass house should change in basement. He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.   §§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§ Blonde Flowers Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"   §§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§ "Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered. "No, I can't," the husband replied.  "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."   §§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§

NUDE GARDENING

 Nude Gardening

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see." She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."   44444   After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning.   44444   Q: What was the First Commandment? A: "Adam, eat my pussy." Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? A: Men always miss them. 44444   Houdini This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him. She looks at him says, "What are we going to name it?" He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this we'll call him Houdini."

MORE DICTIONARY OF OBSCURE SEXUAL TERMS (A-C)

Filthy Perverted Jokes

These jokes are Crude, rude, tasteless, filthy and downright disgusting for all you sick little bastards! If you get offended by these jokes...then delete this now and read no further! More Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms   Angry Dragon: Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.   Arabian Goggles: A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new. The Bait N' Tackle: The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing! Ballsacking: Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough. Bear Claw: A synonym for extremely large pussy lips. Beef Curtain: The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam. Beer Dick: This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick. Blumpy: You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter. The Bronco: You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off. Brown Bagging It: Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind. Brown Necktie: You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demon seed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the fun bags. Brunski: When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.) The Bullwinkle: The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bull winkle voice tone.) Butter Face: When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty. The Canine Special: Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf! The Carpet Cleaner: While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women. The Chili Dog: When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her. Chocolate Pizza: Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye. Cleveland Steamer: The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

MATERNITY WARD

Maternity Ward

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your husband to be present at the birth?" She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy bouncing baby, but the baby is black." The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black." The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair." The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too." The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes." The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too." Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it cries out. The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was gonna bark."   ========   What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common? If the rubber breaks, they're both in deep shit   What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster? A rooster says, "Cock a doodle do" and a prostitute says, "Any cock'll do."   What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.   What is the difference between a pay check and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay check!   ========    There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

JEFF FOXWORTHY'S REDNECK TEST

 

Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Test You Might Be A Redneck If . . .   . . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box. . . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts. . . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it. . . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section. . . . your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest. . . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries. . . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test. . . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw. . . . you cut your toenails in front of company. . . . a woman says she's game, so you shoot her. . . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. . . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6. . . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.    . . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover. . . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband. . . . you regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted." . . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes. . . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.   . . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes. . . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.