May 1, 2010
``` the green tea placebo effect :: thats funny```
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of green tea and start swirling it in your mouth. Don't drink it, just swirl it around and around".
.........2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with green tea and he never touched me."
Doctor:" You see how keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea !!!"
God's wife?
An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,'was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into
the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water
and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed
his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with
the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No
doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears
in his eyes, asked her.
'Are you God's wife?'
Indians are Indians
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.
The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."
The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"
What did you do to make her scream for two hours??
Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains.
When a Girl...
When a GIRL is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind..
When a GIRL is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ... she is not at all fine.
When a GIRL stares at you she is wondering why you are lying.
When a GIRL lays on your chest .. she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a GIRL wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL says ' I love you ' .. she means it.
When a GIRL says ' I miss you ' .... no one in this world can miss you more than that.
Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person ....
Find a guy .. who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
who calls you back when you hang up on him.
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who ... kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns to his friends and says, ' That's her!! '
20 Tips for More Efficient Google SEARCHES....
1. Either/or. Google normally searches for pages that contain all the words you type in the search box, but if you want pages that have one term or another (or both), use the OR operator รข€” or use the symbol (pipe symbol) to save you a keystroke. [dumb | little | man]
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3. Not. If you dont want a term or phrase, use the - symbol. [-dumb little man] will return pages that contain little and man but that dont contain dumb.
4. Similar terms. Use the ~ symbol to return similar terms. [~dumb little man -dumb] will get you pages that contain funny little man and stupid little man but not dumb little man.
5. Wildcard. The * symbol is a wildcard. This is useful if youre trying to find the lyrics to a song, but cant remember the exact lyrics. [cant * me love lyrics] will return the Beatles song youre looking for. Its also useful for finding stuff only in certain domains, such as educational information: [dumb little man research *.edu].
6. Advanced search. If you cant remember any of these operators, you can always use Googles advanced search.
7. Definitions. Use the define: operator to get a quick definition. [define:dumb] will give you a whole host of definitions from different sources, with links.
8. Calculator. One of the handiest uses of Google, type in a quick calculation in the search box and get an answer. Its faster than calling up your computers calculator in most cases. Use the +, -, *, / symbols and parentheses to do a simple equation.
9. Numrange. This little-known feature searches for a range of numbers. For example, [best books 2002..2007] will return lists of best books for each of the years from 2002 to 2007 (note the two periods between the two numbers).
10. Site-specific. Use the site: operator to search only within a certain website. [site:dumblittleman.
11. Backlinks. The link: operator will find pages that link to a specific URL. You can use this not only for a main URL but even to a specific page. Not all links to an URL are listed, however.
12. Vertical search. Instead of searching for a term across all pages on the web, search within a specialized field. Google has a number of specific searches, allowing you to search within blogs, news, books, and much more:
* Blog Search
* Book Search
* Scholar
* Catalogs
* Code Search
* Directory
* Finance
* Images
* Local/Maps
* News
* Patent Search
* Product Search
* Video
13. Movies. Use the movie: operator to search for a movie title along with either a zip code or U.S. city and state to get a list of movie theaters in the area and show times.
14. Music. The music: operator returns content related to music only.
15. Unit converter. Use Google for a quick conversion, from yards to meters for example, or different currency: [12 meters in yards]
16. Types of numbers: Google algorithms can recognize patterns in numbers you enter, so you can search for:
* Telephone area codes
* Vehicle ID number (US only)
* Federal Communications Commission (FCC) equipment numbers (US only)
* UPC codes
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* Even stock quotes (using the stock symbol) or a weather forecast regarding the next five days
17. File types. If you just want to search for .PDF files, or Word documents, or Excel spreadsheets, for example, use the filetype: operator.
18. Location of term. By default, Google searches for your term throughout a web page. But if you just want it to search certain locations, you can use operators such as inurl:, intitle:, intext:, and inanchor:. Those search for a term only within the URL, the title, the body text, and the anchor text (the text used to describe a link).
19. Cached pages. Looking for a version of a page the Google stores on its own servers? This can help with outdated or update pages. Use the cached: operator.
20. Answer to life, the universe, and everything. Search for that phrase, in lower case, and Google will give you the answer.
2. Quotes. If you want to search for an exact phrase, use quotes. [dumb little man] will only find that exact phrase. [dumb little man] will find pages that contain the word dumb and the exact phrase little man.
3. Not. If you dont want a term or phrase, use the - symbol. [-dumb little man] will return pages that contain little and man but that dont contain dumb.
4. Similar terms. Use the ~ symbol to return similar terms. [~dumb little man -dumb] will get you pages that contain funny little man and stupid little man but not dumb little man.
5. Wildcard. The * symbol is a wildcard. This is useful if youre trying to find the lyrics to a song, but cant remember the exact lyrics. [cant * me love lyrics] will return the Beatles song youre looking for. Its also useful for finding stuff only in certain domains, such as educational information: [dumb little man research *.edu].
6. Advanced search. If you cant remember any of these operators, you can always use Googles advanced search.
7. Definitions. Use the define: operator to get a quick definition. [define:dumb] will give you a whole host of definitions from different sources, with links.
8. Calculator. One of the handiest uses of Google, type in a quick calculation in the search box and get an answer. Its faster than calling up your computers calculator in most cases. Use the +, -, *, / symbols and parentheses to do a simple equation.
9. Numrange. This little-known feature searches for a range of numbers. For example, [best books 2002..2007] will return lists of best books for each of the years from 2002 to 2007 (note the two periods between the two numbers).
10. Site-specific. Use the site: operator to search only within a certain website. [site:dumblittleman.
11. Backlinks. The link: operator will find pages that link to a specific URL. You can use this not only for a main URL but even to a specific page. Not all links to an URL are listed, however.
12. Vertical search. Instead of searching for a term across all pages on the web, search within a specialized field. Google has a number of specific searches, allowing you to search within blogs, news, books, and much more:
* Blog Search
* Book Search
* Scholar
* Catalogs
* Code Search
* Directory
* Finance
* Images
* Local/Maps
* News
* Patent Search
* Product Search
* Video
13. Movies. Use the movie: operator to search for a movie title along with either a zip code or U.S. city and state to get a list of movie theaters in the area and show times.
14. Music. The music: operator returns content related to music only.
15. Unit converter. Use Google for a quick conversion, from yards to meters for example, or different currency: [12 meters in yards]
16. Types of numbers: Google algorithms can recognize patterns in numbers you enter, so you can search for:
* Telephone area codes
* Vehicle ID number (US only)
* Federal Communications Commission (FCC) equipment numbers (US only)
* UPC codes
* Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) airplane registration number (US only)
* Patent numbers (US only)
* Even stock quotes (using the stock symbol) or a weather forecast regarding the next five days
17. File types. If you just want to search for .PDF files, or Word documents, or Excel spreadsheets, for example, use the filetype: operator.
18. Location of term. By default, Google searches for your term throughout a web page. But if you just want it to search certain locations, you can use operators such as inurl:, intitle:, intext:, and inanchor:. Those search for a term only within the URL, the title, the body text, and the anchor text (the text used to describe a link).
19. Cached pages. Looking for a version of a page the Google stores on its own servers? This can help with outdated or update pages. Use the cached: operator.
20. Answer to life, the universe, and everything. Search for that phrase, in lower case, and Google will give you the answer.
A Child's Worst Fears
I think my dad is Dracula.
I know that sounds insane,
but listen for a moment and
allow me to explain.
We don't live in a castle,
and we never sleep in caves.
But, still, there's something weird
about the way my dad behaves.
I never see him go out
in the daytime when it's light.
He sleeps all day till evening,
then he leaves the house at night.
He comes home in the morning
saying, "Man, I'm really dead!"
He kisses us goodnight, and then
by sunrise he's in bed.
My mom heard my suspicion
and she said, "You're not too swift.
Your father's not a vampire.
He just works the graveyard shift."
The Talent Agent
A young apprentice talent agent went out to dinner and a few drinks one night. After a few drinks he met a woman and they had a few drinks together then ended up at his place.
Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song.
The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone and calls his boss.
"Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe, Did you hear it?"
Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!
Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song.
The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone and calls his boss.
"Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe, Did you hear it?"
Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!
-------------
Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: "Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!"
-------------
Q: Why are blondes like Corn Flakes?
A: Because they're simple, they're easy, and they taste good!
-------------
Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.
-------------
Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A: A very long period.
-------------
Q: There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope...
what's the other one doing?
A: Sniffing crack.
A: "Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!"
-------------
Q: Why are blondes like Corn Flakes?
A: Because they're simple, they're easy, and they taste good!
-------------
Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.
-------------
Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A: A very long period.
-------------
Q: There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope...
what's the other one doing?
A: Sniffing crack.
-------------
Roses are red, violets are blue...
I'm in love but not with you...
When we broke up you thought I cried
But all it was...
Was another guy,
You told your friends that I was a trick,
I told mine that you had a weak dick...
I said I loved you
And you thought it was true,
But guess what baby?!
You got played too!!
I'm in love but not with you...
When we broke up you thought I cried
But all it was...
Was another guy,
You told your friends that I was a trick,
I told mine that you had a weak dick...
I said I loved you
And you thought it was true,
But guess what baby?!
You got played too!!
Saturday's Smiles
Pun: Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
Quote of the Day: Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. -- Oscar Wilde
Today's One-Liner: It's not what teenagers know that bothers parents the most. It's how they found out.
In Florida
"Is this a real Social Security card?" I asked.
"I certainly hope so," he replied. "I paid $50 for it."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Andrew Grosso
When my father enlisted in the Air Force, he left his church in the capable hands of my mother. Nevertheless, one member of his flock took it upon herself to put Dad's mind at ease. "Pastor, the church is doing well," she wrote. "Your wife is carrying on with the deacons."
-- Lora Mae Miller
Provided Courtesy of Reader's Digest Humor in Uniform.
Last Marathon
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
Received from Today's CleanLaugh
"We need not worry so much about what man descends from-it's what he descends to that shames the human race." -- Mark Twain
*-.,,.-* "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." -- Steven Wright
*-.,,.-* "Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it." -- Don Herold
I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor.
"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"
He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.
As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."
*-----------
A bagel left unattended in a microwave, set off the fire alarm. The microwave, charred and smoking, was carried outside and placed on the sidewalk.
A fireman walked up and said, "Is this the object that started the fire?"
One of the employees said, "No. When we take a break, it takes a break."
Above three received from Clean Laffs
Rough Country Road
I was driving my father and grandfather down a rough country road. My inexperience in handling Grandpa's four-wheel-drive vehicle made for a particularly bouncy ride. Embarrassed, I offered a lame excuse, "The sun shadows through the trees make it hard for me to see all the potholes."
"Don't worry, Matt," Grandpa said. "You're gettin' most of 'em."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Mathew Walker and GCFL
Answering machine message 161
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
A Violin Funny
An 11-year-old boy was doing his violin practice at home and the torturous noise was making the dog howl.
Upstairs the boy's father was trying to work on the computer. After putting up with the combined racket of the violin and the dog's wailing for 20 minutes, the father eventually called out, "Jason, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
[forwarded by Adon Brownell]
Received from Mikey's Funnies
I'd offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor's. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.
"Mom, we've got to go," I interjected, but she couldn't hear me over the chatter.
Finally, I had to take her by the arm and lead her away.
When we got in the car, she apologized. "Sorry, but I didn't know what to do. That woman wouldn't stop listening to me.”
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. The doorbell, however, is just out of his reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy turns and yells, "Now we run!”
Above two received from Tickled by Tony
"Daddy and I went to see the neighbors' new kittens. There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know?"
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom."
Q: Who weighs 6000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant
Q: Wha't big and grey and can fly straight up?
A: An elecopter.
Q: What do elephants do for entertainment?
A: Watch elevision.
Q: How do elephants communicate?
A: They talk on the elephone.
Q: How do you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: Look for his footprints in the cheesecake.
Q: How do you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: Look for two sets of footprints side by side.
Q: How do you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't close.
Q: How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?
A: None: there are already too many elephants in there.
Q: How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Open the door, insert elephant, close door.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagen?
A: Two in the front and two in the back
Q: How do you know if an elephant is visiting your house?
A: There is a Volkswagen parked outside with 3 elephants in it.
Q: How do you get 8 elephants in a refrigerator?
A: Put 4 elephants in one Volkswagen, put four elephants in another Volkswagen, and put the two Volkswagens in the refrigerator.
Q: But two Volkswagens won't fit in a refrigerator.
A: There were two elephants in there, and a Volkswagen isn't as big as an elephant!
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the refrigerator?
A: You can't. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: With two scoops of ice-cream, a bottle of cream soda, and an elephant.
Q: Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.
Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?
A: So he wouldn't be recognized.
Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses.
Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: Meow.
Q: Why do elephants wear red toenail polish?
A: Oops, sorry, no Polish jokes allowed.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in the strawberry patch.
Q: But there aren't any elephants in the strawberry patch!
A: See how good their camoflauge is?
Q: How do you get an elephant to the top of an oak tree?
A: Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.
Q: What if I don't want to wait 50 years?
A: Put a parachute on the elephant and drop him from an elecopter.
Q: How do you get an elephant down from an oak tree?
A: Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.
Q: Why are alligators long and flat?
A: They must have gotten too close to the oak tree.
Q: What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: About 3000 miles.
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have elephants.
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an egg?
A: If you don't know, I'm not going to ask you to do my grocery shopping!
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.
Q: Why did the Frenchman sprinkle salt on the road?
A: To keep elephants away.
Q: But there are no elephants in France
A: See? It's working!
Q: What do you do with a blue elephant?
A: Cheer him up.
Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants?
A: On elevision.
Q: How do you prevent an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Taking advantage of a balmy day, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and took some time out on the golf course.
After several shots their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "But how did you know?"
"I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
Above three received from Daily-Humor.
Sister Mary Ann
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic.”
Received from Beliefnet.com. BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them.
NUTRITION AND HEALTH
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Speaking English is what kills you. Eat and drink what you like.
As seen in Laugh and Lift. Received from Cup 'O Cheer
q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
“The significance of man is that he is insignificant and is aware of it.” -- Carl Becker
*-.,,.-* “Former President George W. Bush is going to India
*-.,,.-* “In San Diego
b i t s . n . b o b s
^^^^^^^^^^^
Top 20 Dog Names in the United States
1. Max 1. Maggie
2. Jake 2. Molly
3. Buddy 3. Lady
4. Bailey 4. Sadie
5. Sam 5. Lucy
6. Rocky 6. Daisy
7. Buster 7. Ginger
8. Casey 8. Abby
9. Cody 9. Sasha
10. Duke 10. Sandy
11. Charlie 11. Dakota
12. Jack 12. Katie
13. Harley 13. Annie
14. Rusty 14. Chelsea
15. Toby 15. Princes
16. Murphy 16. Missy
17. Shelby
18. Sparky 18. Bo
19. Barney 19. Coco
20. Winston 20. Tasha
What’s On the Web?
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Above three received from The Mouthpiece
A couple of summers ago, our son Scott and his family relocated to Eielson Air Force Base near Fairbanks , Alaska
That December we received an e-mail from our 11-year-old granddaughter that stated her opinion pretty clearly. It read "Dear Grandma and
Grandpa: It is 24 degrees below zero here today. We have three years and eight months left. I love and miss you. Leah."
Received from Sandy
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague Africa , piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.
In 1997, Father Grapje (now an Archbishop) was serving in Zimbabwe
For his heroism and selfless service to others, the church elevated Archbishop Grapje to the rank of Cardinal. With the passing of Pope John Paul, he joined the other Cardinals in Rome
... After all, they just couldn't elect a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
Received from Marty
*-.,,.-* If you're going to throw fruit, please make sure it's fresh ...
Above two received from Tedd's Humor
Daily Trivia Question: The father of what British actor was the poet laureate of England
Answer: Daniel Day-Lewis
JEST FOR KIDS
Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old
RIDDLES
What makes an octopus a good fighter?
He's very well armed.
Did the mummy have a good vacation?
Who knows? He was too wrapped up to tell.
Why is the "Middle Ages" frequently called the "Dark Ages."
Because there were so many knights
What did the mother say to the child's hair?
You are very knotty
Why did the schoolboy take a ladder to school?
It was high school.
What did the dentist see at the North Pole?
A molar bear
What goes up when the rain comes down?
Umbrellas
Why was the nanny goat so upset?
She had too many kids to take care of.
*-.,,.-* SCHOOL WORK
Define "Observatory": What Washington asked his spies to do
Use "Shamrock" in a sentence: In the movies, when you see the hero lift a huge boulder you know they used a SHAMROCK.
Headline:20-
Sign in a Tokyo
Excuses: John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
*-.,,.-* PUNS & OTHER HUMOR
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me, and I'll tell you!
Seismologists are always finding fault
At the audition, the ballerinas had to toe the line.
Mother and father rabbit were talking about the children after putting them to bed. "Why was Junior so happy this evening?" asked father rabbit. "Well," explained mother rabbit, "he had a marvelous time at school today." "Why so marvelous?" asked father rabbit. "He learned to multiply!" said mother rabbit.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
When the NASCAR driver made a pit stop, he was tired.
An applicant for a driver's license came to the question: "How many feet are required to stop a car traveling 30 mph?" He answered: "Two feet, one for the clutch, one for the brake." He got his license.
The golfers yelled at each other because they were teed off.
I got up from the dental chair and left because the dentist got on my nerves.
Received from Stan Kegel
MOM LONGS TO HAVE EMPTY NEST ALL TO HERSELF AGAIN
DEAR ABBY: I have a 19-year-old daughter, "Caitlin," whom I love very much. Despite a few rocky periods, we have a great relationship.
Caitlin moved in with her fiancรฉ shortly after she turned 18, and they were married a few months ago. After she left, I went through an "empty nest" period because it was the first time I was alone in 18 years.
When my daughter started coming to visit once a week, I was thrilled. It was sad when she had to leave, but I looked forward to "our days." Then I had to have surgery, and Caitlin came to take care of me. I have since recovered, but now -- two months later -- she's still visiting every day. She sits around watching TV and wants me to sit with her.
I love spending time with my daughter, but frankly, I need a break! I have tried "hinting" that she has her own house, pets and husband, and it would be fine if she didn't visit every day. It falls on deaf ears.
I don't want to hurt Caitlin's feelings, but I got used to being alone, and I miss it sometimes. How can I get her to stop coming over so often without making her think I don't want her?
-- CRAVING SOME SOLITUDE IN ARKANSAS
DEAR CRAVING: It's possible that when you had the surgery your daughter was afraid she would lose you, and now she's having separation anxieties of her own. It's time for a frank talk with her.
It's unusual for a bride to have so much free time on her hands. She should be using at least some of it to build a life of her own. Could there be a problem in her marriage?
Her husband can't be thrilled that she's spending so much time at your place. Or does she lack direction?
What's going on isn't healthy for either of you. So speak up and establish some ground rules. If you prefer that she visit only once a week, say so. Your daughter needs to "get a life," and you are entitled to one apart from her.
*-.,,.-* DEAR ABBY: I had a bad cold a few weeks ago, and while waiting in my doctor's office, I occupied myself by reading one of the many magazines he keeps there for patients. It occurred to me later that the magazine I had been holding had also been handled by countless other sick patients during the weeks it had laid there.
Couldn't those magazines be carriers of innumerable germs that could infect visiting patients? Is it possible that pro- viding reading material in hospitals or doctors' waiting rooms could actually be an unhealthy practice?
-- GERM THEORIST IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR GERM THEORIST: Yes, I think so. And the door handles, elevator buttons, chart clipboard and pens could also be loaded with germs. That's why it's a good idea to always carry disinfectant gel or wipes with you.
P.S. If a valet takes your car or the keys -- or hands you change ... oh, Lord, I'm beginning to sound like Howard Hughes.
*-.,,.-* DEAR ABBY: What is the proper title for your mother's third husband? I have looked everywhere and can't find an answer. I know that her second husband is my stepfather, but I am curious what the third one is called.
-- NAME DROPPER IN ALABAMA
DEAR NAME DROPPER: Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines the "stepfather" as "the husband of one's mother when distinct from one's natural or legal father." He could also be referred to as your mother's husband, or simply by his given name.
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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