Three stupid wives

Three stupid wives


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a p**is!''

The Three Drunks

The Three Drunks


Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Car Thieves

Car Thieves


A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Little boy and the Bus Driver

Little boy and the Bus Driver


A little boy says to a bus driver, "If my mum was a cow and my dad was a bull then I would be a baby cow".

Then he says, "If my mum was a sheep and my dad was a sheep then I would be a baby sheep."

Then after he says more and more and the bus driver gets mad and says "Well, what would you be if your mum was a stripper and your dad was a drunk?" "Then," the little boy says, "I would be a bus driver!"

52 Reasons To Have A Beer Over A Woman

52 Reasons To Have A Beer Over A Woman


1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.

5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

8. Hangovers go away.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. A beer always goes down easy.

16. You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. Beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care when you come.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

25. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.

27. When you're interrupted by a beer, it's for a good reason.

28. A beer is always satisfying.

29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.

30. A beer won't tell you it's pregnant for fun.

31. A beer doesn't have in-laws.

32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.

33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.

34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.

35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.

36. The only thing a beer tells you is when it's time to go to the bathroom.

37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.

38. It's okay to leave a party with a different beer than you arrived with.

39. Beer won't drive you to drink.

40. You can shoot a beer.

41. A beer chaser is easy to catch.

42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.

43. A tree is good enough for a beer.

44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.

45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.

46. Beer and Ice don't mix.

47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation.

48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.

49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.

50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.

51. Beer never complains about the wet spot.

52. You can put all your old beers in one room, and they won't fight.

The Gambler

The Gambler


During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Three pregnant women

Three pregnant women


Three pregnant woman were sitting in a Gynea's waiting room (of course, one was blonde, one was a redhead and one was a brunnette).

The brunette proudly says "I'm gonna have a son 'coz my husband was on top!"

Then the red says "If that's the case, then I'm gonna have a daughter 'coz I was on top!".

All of a sudden the blonde gets hysterical and cries "I'M GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!"

The Blonde Kidnapper

The Blonde Kidnapper


Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

Three blonds on death row

Three blonds on death row


Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

The Blonde Nun

The Blonde Nun


One night a Blond Nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways."

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans.

But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel!"

The Sick Blonde

The Sick Blonde


A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

The betting with a blonde

The betting with a blonde


A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.
(Back to newscast : He jumped!)
Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 p.m. news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.
Blonde: I know, I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

The blonde test taker

The blonde test taker


A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

32 STRANGE THINGS

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.


2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.


3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.


4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.


5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.


6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.




7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".


8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).


9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries... .)


10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.


11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.


12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564, 000.


13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.


14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.


15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.


16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)


17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.


18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen' s "Born in the USA."


19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.


20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.


21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.


22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.


23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.


24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.


25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.


26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.


27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."


28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!


29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.


30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.


31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.


32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

Bhagwad geeta

An old Farmer lived on a farm in the mountains with his young grandson.


Each morning Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading his Bhagavat Geeta. His grandson wanted to be just like him and tried to imitate him in every way he could.


One day the grandson asked, "Grandpa! I try to read the Bhagavat Geeta just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Bhagavat Geeta do?"




The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and replied, "Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back a basket of water."


The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, "You'll have to move a little faster next time," and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again.


This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You're just not trying hard enough," and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.


At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got back to the house.


The boy again dipped the basket into river and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said, "See Grandpa, it's useless!" >


"So you think it is useless?" The old man said, "Look at the basket."


The boy looked at the basket and for the first time realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out.


"Son, that's what happens when you read the Bhagavat Geeta. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of Krishna in our lives."

Party Crashers

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.


She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....


He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.


Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.


The He smiled and said


-


-


-


"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

Principles for Success

This is the story of Robby.




He was a young boy who lived with his elderly Mother. His mother wanted him to learn how to play the piano because she Longed to hear her son play for her. She sent her son to a piano teacher who Took Robby in under her guidance.




However, there was one small problem Because Robby was not musically inclined and therefore was very slow in Learning.




The teacher did not have much faith in the boy because of his Weakness. The mother was very enthusiastic and every week she would send Robby to the teacher .








One day Robby stopped attending the piano lessons. The teacher thought that He had given up and in fact she was quite pleased since she did not give Much hope to Robby. Not long after, the piano teacher was given the task to Organize a piano concert in town. She sent out circulars to invite the Students and public to attend the event.




Suddenly, she received a call from Robby who offered to take part in the concert. The teacher told Robby that He was not good enough and that he was no longer a student since he had Stopped coming for lessons.




Robby begged her to give him a chance and Promised that he would not let her down.




Finally, she gave in and she put him to play last, hoping that he will Change his mind at the last minute. When the big day came, the hall was Packed and the children gave their best performance. Finally ,




It was Robby's Turn to play and as his name was announced, he walked in. He was not in Proper attire and his hair was not properly groomed.




The teacher was really Nervous since Robby's performance could spoil the whole evening's brilliant Performance.




As Robby started playing the crowd became silent and was amazed At the skill of this little boy. In fact, he gave the best performance of The evening. At the end of his presentation the crowd and the piano teacher Gave him a standing ovation. The crowd asked Robby how he managed to play so Brilliantly.




With a microphone in front of him, he said, "I was not able to Attend the weekly piano lessons as there was no one to send me because my Mother was sick with cancer.




She just passed away this morning and I wanted Her to hear me play. You see, this is the first time she is able to hear me Play because when she was alive she was deaf and now I know she is listening To me. I have to play my best for her!"




*************


SUCCESS PRINCIPLES




This is indeed a touching story of love and excellence. When you have a Passion and a reason to do something, you will surely excel.




You may not be Talented or gifted but if you have a strong enough reason to do something, You will be able to tap into your inner God given potential.




*************


MOTIVATIONAL QUOTE




" Find the good. It's all around you. Find it, showcase it and you'll start Believing in it."

The Nervous Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.






At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.