Naughty Rhymes

The grade 5 teacher one day asked the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.

First up was Dan. A very adventurous child.

My name is Dan,
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan,
If I can, If I can, If I can.

Very good she said to Dan. She then told Sally that it now was her turn.

My name is Sally,
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby,
If I can, if I can, if I can.

That is good Sally, she said. But maybe one day you will change your mind. Next up was Sam he was the naughty one in the class.

My name is Sam,
When I grow up to be a man,
Never mind India and Japan,
I gonna help Sally with her plan,
I know I can, I can, I can.

A Forgiving Woman

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"



"Ninety-eight," she replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

Last Words

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

 

Women's Rules

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. When rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any time.

9. The male must never change his mind without written consent
from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female
wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know
whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.

14. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm
to the male.

Contact Agreement (Humour)

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.


I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.


You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows:


1. To make an appointment to see me


2. To query a missing payment.


3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there


4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.


5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.


6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home


7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.


8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.


9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.


Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client


(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

Who designed the human body?

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.

The first fellow says "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The second fellow says "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The third fellow says "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."

The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"

"Well" says the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area!"

I am the groom

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Salary Package

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Wedding Cake

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Wife's Order

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Laws of Success

Do you want something -- Will you pay the price

The great sin -- Gossip.

The great crippler -- Fear.

The greatest mistake -- Giving up.

The most satisfying experience -- Doing your duty first.

The best action -- Keep the mind clear and judgment good.

The greatest blessing -- Good health.

The biggest fool - The man who lies to himself.

The great gamble -- Substituting hope for facts.

The most certain thing in life -- Change.

The greatest joy -- Being needed.

The cleverest man -- The one who does what he thinks is right.

The most potent force -- Positive thinking.

The greatest opportunity -- The next one.

The greatest thought -- God.

The greatest victory -- Victory over self.

The best play -- Successful work.

The greatest handicap -- Egotism.

The most expensive indulgence -- Hate.

The most dangerous man -- The liar

The most ridiculous trait -- False pride.

The greatest loss -- Loss of self confidence.

The greatest need -- Common sense.

Don't mess with old ladies

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.


Older Woman: Oh, I see.


Officer: Can I see your license please?


Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.


Officer: Don't have one?


Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.


Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.


Older Woman: I can't do that.


Officer: Why not?


Older Woman: I stole this car.


Officer: Stole it?


Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.


Officer: You what?


Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you st! ep out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman: Is there a problem sir?


Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.


Older Woman: Murdered the owner?


Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.


The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.


Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?


Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.


Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.


The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.


The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.


Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this! car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Old and not so Old Ladies ......

Rented An Adult Movie

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen. She got so mad and called the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."

Take care of the Clinic

A Doctor in Cape Breton wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant “Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and
don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients”.
“Yes, sir!” answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Garge, how was your day?”

Garge told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”
“Bravo Mate, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir” says Garge.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her
legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For five years I have not seen a man!’”
“And what did you do Garge?” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”

How to Stay Young N Happy..

Never Piss Off A Nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around  just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. 

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." 

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

 

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,

"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get

back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He

cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his

door, laughing..... 

After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

  

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the  matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

 

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

Frustration