Read Between the Lines

 What these words on yearly performance reviews really mean:
OUTGOING PERSONALITY – Always going out of the office
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS – Spends lots of time on phone

ACTIVE SOCIALLY – Drinks a lot
INDEPENDENT WORKER – Nobody knows what he/she does
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY – Too ugly to get a date
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS – Gets someone else to do it
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES – Is tall or has a louder voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT – Lucky

CAREER MINDED – Back stabber
LOYAL – Can’t get a job

anywhere else
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION – Gets to work on time
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL – Speaks English
RELAXED ATTITUDE – Sleeps at desk

You Vs Your Boss

 When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ’s because he’s overworked.

Why is Driver Scared ?

 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years…..

Government Employee

 A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
“I’d love an ice-cold beer right now,” he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.
Next, the man said, “I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.”
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.
“Oh, man this is the life,” the guy thought. “I wish I never had to work again.”
And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!

I have no Email ID

 A man went to several places to get one job in America. Once he got an interview card from Microsoft Office. He attended the interview and qualified for the post of the “Office Boy”. Then Microsoft Office people told him “Give us your email ID, we will send you “Appointment Letter”.
The man told I have no email ID. Microsoft Office people told “How funny, now-a-days is there any man without email ID?” Sorry we can not give appointment to a back dated man.”


The poor guy with sorrow came out from the Microsoft Office and he had only 5 dollars with him, he saw one people is selling Tomatos. He bought Tomatos by 5 Dollar and sell them by walking door to door. He got 7 dollars. Then next day he again bought Tomatos by 7 dollars and sold them 10 Dollars.
Such a way he became millioniare and now he has now Orchard of Tomatos and big pick-up vans, storage etc. Now the man became one of the rich man of the country. Many Journalist came to interview him.

When they are filing up his biography, one journalist ask “Sir,may I get your Email ID.”
The man replied “I have no Email ID. As I have my email ID, I would be an “OFFICE BOY” of Microsoft office and you never ask my email ID !!

Airline new business plans

 In light of all the recent news surrounding airline bankruptcies and mergers, you might want to heed these warning signs…
10. They hedged their fuel by buying $500 in Sam’s Club Fuel Cards.
9. The new sign in the terminal reads “BYOB” Bring Your Own Blankets.
8. The Flight Attendant asks if she can borrow your iPod touch to plug in to the video unit so they can have an in flight movie

.

7. You look into the cockpit and noticed that the pilots are those blow up dummies from the movie “Airplane”.
6. There are Google Ads running on the back of all the seats.
5. Last 5 People Off the Plane Have to Clean Up.
4. In order to pay for extra fuel the dreaded “$1 for every pound you’re over 200 pounds” tax has been added to all tickets

3. All flights now will offer in air casinos.
2. The stock’s price on the screen says “Close to Zero”.
1. Good News…free drinks. Bad News……$5 for toilets!

Job Application

 This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a Mcdonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Name: John Flower
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
Desired position: Company’s president or vice president. But seriously, whatever available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a michael ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Education: yes.
Last position held: Target for middle management hostility.
Salary: Less than I’m worth.

Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Reason for leaving: It sucked.
Hours available to work: Any.
Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.M., Monday, tuesday, and thursday.
Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
May we contact your current employer: If i had one, would i be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?
Do you have a car: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
Have you received any special awards or recognition: I may already be a winner of the publishers clearing house sweepstakes.
Do you smoke: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
What would you like to be doing in five years: Living in the bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.

Secret of success

A very successful partner in a big firm had a peculiar habit. He would go to his desk everyday, open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. This continued for many days.
His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity.

Then, one day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break.
They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside - it said - “Left is debit and right is credit.”

IT husband

 Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or file name.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found…
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters…
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.

Husband: It’s by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use… Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus.

“I’d like to see that.”

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: “So how are your men?”
“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.“
“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”
“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”