A very good and pious Jew, Samuel Goldberg, man dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time... Nothing but mitzvahs. [Mitzvah: Good deed]
Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, a 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.
Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Oy, Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done!"
Apr 6, 2010
A Trip To The Holy Land
A man and his ever-nagging wife
went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,
“You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”
The man thought about it and told him
he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,
“Why would you spend $5,000
to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here
and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied,
“Long ago a man died here,
was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can’t take that chance."
went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,
“You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”
The man thought about it and told him
he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,
“Why would you spend $5,000
to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here
and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied,
“Long ago a man died here,
was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can’t take that chance."
WASTE NOT - WANT NOT
Just in time for tax season...
Waste not, want not.
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Waste not, want not.
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Time Magazine's quote on Sachin:
" When Sachin Tendulkar travelled to Pakistan to face one of the finest bowling attacks ever assembled in cricket, Michael Schumacher was yet to race a F1 car, Lance Armstrong had never been to the Tour de France, Diego Maradona was still the captain of a world champion Argentina team, Pete Sampras had never won a Grand Slam.When Tendulkar embarked on a glorious career taming Imran and company, Roger Federer was a name unheard of; Lionel Messi was in his nappies, Usain Bolt was an unknown kid in the Jamaican backwaters. The Berlin Wall was still intact, USSR was one big, big country, Dr Manmohan Singh was yet to "open" the Nehruvian economy.It seems while Time was having his toll on every individual on the face of this planet, he excused one man. Time stands frozen in front of Sachin Tendulkar. We have had champions, we have had legends, but we have never had another Sachin Tendulkar and we never will.”
``` an eGyptian interview :: thats funny ```
An Egyptian Interview
Reporter: Hi
Egyptian: Hello
Reporter: Do u speak English
Egyptian: Berfect
Reporter: Do u mind if I interview u
Egyptian: No, I don't have a mind
Reporter: What's your name?
Egyptian: Taha
Reporter: Sex?
Taha: I love it
Reporter: oh no, I meant male or female?
Taha(yelling) : what do u sink?
Reporter: it's just for the sake of the report. Never mind... male....
Taha: No... I like female
Reporter: How do u find life here in Egypt ?
Taha: Egybt..Very nice cantry..nice wezar..nice food..byramidz
Reporter: Oh well..beside the weather and the pyramids..what else do u like in ur country?
Taha: Byramids, nice wezar, nice food
Reporter: DO YOU WORK?
Taha: Yas, when I am not buzy..
Reporter: What do u think about the traffic problem in Egypt ?
Taha: Very big broblem..very much cars..u see?..but za guvurment is trying to make it bettar..zey did a circle street and za mehwar street..and zey make all streets one way so if u go..u cant come back!!!
Reporter: What about the economic problems in Egypt ?
Taha: I do not undurztand what u say
Reporter: I mean..how do u deal with money problems in egypt ?
Taha: Egypt very rich cantry...we have alot of cotton..a lot of water..and we have byramidz
Reporter: So do u make a lot of money?
Taha: No no.. it is not legal to make money..one frend I know make money at home..and he go to brizon.. if u make money at home.. you will go to brizon
Reporter: let me rephrase..since Egypt is a rich country.. do u have a lot of money?
Taha: me? ...Not a lot…..but I eat and drink Alhamdulelah?
Reporter: Then where does all the money go?
Taha: Guvurment
Reporter: And what does the government do with the money?
Taha: Zey Build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way
Reporter: well , Ok...Do u vote?
Taha: What duz zat mean?
Reporter: Do u choose your president
Taha: Who, Mubarak?
Reporter: yes
Taha(nervously) : I didn't give my voice..But if I was. I will give him my voice
Reporter: Why him?
Taha: Because he was an airoplane in za war..he waz za leadar airoplane
Reporter: But there r no wars right now
Taha: But if we have war..u see?...we know we will have a very good airoplane in it
Reporter: what about the last 26 years?
Taha: I got marry..and have Ahmed an d Amira..and……….
Reporter: No, I meant Mubarak.
Taha: He also marry… and have…
Reporter (interrupting) :No, I meant what did Mubarak do for Egypt in the last 26 years
Taha: He build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way
Reporter: Thank you very much for ur time Mr. Taha
Taha: No broblem, only 10 bounds
Reporter: I never said i will pay u for this
Taha: ok ok…. Zanks a lot
Reporter: Hi
Egyptian: Hello
Reporter: Do u speak English
Egyptian: Berfect
Reporter: Do u mind if I interview u
Egyptian: No, I don't have a mind
Reporter: What's your name?
Egyptian: Taha
Reporter: Sex?
Taha: I love it
Reporter: oh no, I meant male or female?
Taha(yelling) : what do u sink?
Reporter: it's just for the sake of the report. Never mind... male....
Taha: No... I like female
Reporter: How do u find life here in Egypt ?
Taha: Egybt..Very nice cantry..nice wezar..nice food..byramidz
Reporter: Oh well..beside the weather and the pyramids..what else do u like in ur country?
Taha: Byramids, nice wezar, nice food
Reporter: DO YOU WORK?
Taha: Yas, when I am not buzy..
Reporter: What do u think about the traffic problem in Egypt ?
Taha: Very big broblem..very much cars..u see?..but za guvurment is trying to make it bettar..zey did a circle street and za mehwar street..and zey make all streets one way so if u go..u cant come back!!!
Reporter: What about the economic problems in Egypt ?
Taha: I do not undurztand what u say
Reporter: I mean..how do u deal with money problems in egypt ?
Taha: Egypt very rich cantry...we have alot of cotton..a lot of water..and we have byramidz
Reporter: So do u make a lot of money?
Taha: No no.. it is not legal to make money..one frend I know make money at home..and he go to brizon.. if u make money at home.. you will go to brizon
Reporter: let me rephrase..since Egypt is a rich country.. do u have a lot of money?
Taha: me? ...Not a lot…..but I eat and drink Alhamdulelah?
Reporter: Then where does all the money go?
Taha: Guvurment
Reporter: And what does the government do with the money?
Taha: Zey Build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way
Reporter: well , Ok...Do u vote?
Taha: What duz zat mean?
Reporter: Do u choose your president
Taha: Who, Mubarak?
Reporter: yes
Taha(nervously) : I didn't give my voice..But if I was. I will give him my voice
Reporter: Why him?
Taha: Because he was an airoplane in za war..he waz za leadar airoplane
Reporter: But there r no wars right now
Taha: But if we have war..u see?...we know we will have a very good airoplane in it
Reporter: what about the last 26 years?
Taha: I got marry..and have Ahmed an d Amira..and……….
Reporter: No, I meant Mubarak.
Taha: He also marry… and have…
Reporter (interrupting) :No, I meant what did Mubarak do for Egypt in the last 26 years
Taha: He build circle street, mehwar street and make all streets one way
Reporter: Thank you very much for ur time Mr. Taha
Taha: No broblem, only 10 bounds
Reporter: I never said i will pay u for this
Taha: ok ok…. Zanks a lot
A Puzzle
There was a bus stop, where many tourists catch buses to tour the city, in front of the small gift shop where Samantha worked. The tourists often came inside to kill time while waiting for the bus.
One day a group of four tourists entered the store. They were the only ones inside other than Samantha. Suddenly there was a loud scream and Samantha turned around to see a man lying face down on the table across the store. Samantha quickly dialed the number of the police station, and reported the incident.
The police arrived, and began asking the three tourists what they were doing at the time of the murder. The first was a taller man with graying hair. "I was choosing some of those shells to bring home to my daughter. The ones I picked out are on the shelf in front, see?" He pointed to the shells, and the officer nodded.
He turned to one of the ladies. She was wearing a camera around her neck. "I was purchasing film. I dropped it when I screamed. It's over there, the green package, 24 exposures." The officer examined the box.
Then he turned to the final woman. "I was checking my horoscope, I'm a Uranus, and they are supposed to have bad luck in June."
"Excuse me officer, but I think I know who the murderer is", said Samantha.
Who was it, and how did Samantha know..?
ANSWER :
The last lady. Uranus is not a sign of the Zodiac.
She was taken to the police station for further questioning.
One day a group of four tourists entered the store. They were the only ones inside other than Samantha. Suddenly there was a loud scream and Samantha turned around to see a man lying face down on the table across the store. Samantha quickly dialed the number of the police station, and reported the incident.
The police arrived, and began asking the three tourists what they were doing at the time of the murder. The first was a taller man with graying hair. "I was choosing some of those shells to bring home to my daughter. The ones I picked out are on the shelf in front, see?" He pointed to the shells, and the officer nodded.
He turned to one of the ladies. She was wearing a camera around her neck. "I was purchasing film. I dropped it when I screamed. It's over there, the green package, 24 exposures." The officer examined the box.
Then he turned to the final woman. "I was checking my horoscope, I'm a Uranus, and they are supposed to have bad luck in June."
"Excuse me officer, but I think I know who the murderer is", said Samantha.
Who was it, and how did Samantha know..?
ANSWER :
The last lady. Uranus is not a sign of the Zodiac.
She was taken to the police station for further questioning.
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