After an international beer conference in London , all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.
The Chairman of Budweiser says, 'I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King of Beers': give me a Budweiser.'
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.
The Chairman of Guinness says, 'I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.'
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ' I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.'
He gets it.
Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, 'Just give me a Coke.'
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, 'Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?'
'Listen,' says Vijay Mallya, 'If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I...
This is called "ATTITUDE"!!!!
John was waiting for his love....
"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"
"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is"
"Scold her OK?", his brain adviced.
"OK I will try"
Sweet Sally comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes ... totally forgot about you"
"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain .... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"
John ignored his brain .. "Its OK honey .. its only half an hour .. no problem"
She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"
"OMG!!!", thought John .....
"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"
Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.
Sally stared at John .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"
"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"
"No records found", said the brain ...
"Damn!!", thought John
"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.
John is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?". said the brain
"OK OK ...stop pushing me"
"Honey .. U know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT T!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!" , she shouted ... and started crying.
"How could you forget!! ..... its my doggy's birthday"
"!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!"
A moment of silence.
His entire brain staff was laughing at him.
John was dumbfounded. "What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.
"Damage control sequence initialized ... dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"
"Better do it fast ..brainy"
The brain was working at 90% capacity ..... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'
Finally an answer was computed and communicated to John.
He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggie's birthday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"
She looked up with utter surprise ...
"HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"
She stood up angrily and left. John and his brain were left there clueless ....
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
**************
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
**************
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
**************
A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."
**************
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
**************
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
**************
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
**************
A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
**************
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.
When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."
**********
Bush: Impossible does not come in my dictionary...
Santa: Phir dictionary dhek ke kharidni chahiye thi na. .
**********
Ekbar light gai hui thi.
SANTA : arre Banta bahuat garmi ho rahi hai, zara pankha lagana..
BANTA : kardi na sardaronwali baat!! Pankha lagaya to moombatti bujh na jayegi??
**********
Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?
Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!
**********
Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.
**********
Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..
**********
Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....
**********
Thought for the Day!!!
If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?
Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM
**********
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?
Answer : On their Wedding !!
**********
Whats the height of Intelligence?
Answer : A 99 year old Santa going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ..
This is amazing. Just put the first English letter of the word you need
info on and it shows you a number of choices in Gujarati.
For example if you place the letter r in the google box it will show you all
the possible Gujarati words that you can browse.
When you click your choice, it shows you Gujarati sites and information in
Gujarati.
Keep playing (English in Gujarati) and you will see for yourself
This is fantastic! Try it and amaze yourselves!!
http://www.google.com/intl/gu/
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
little math test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without
using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three
trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to
actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty
tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which
makes one hundred... So, when do I start?!"
