On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Canada, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the morning to you, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees,” replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jeysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford thinks of everything!"
Mar 3, 2010
Keep your fork.
*A Woman** **and a Fork**
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and
had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in
order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss
certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she
would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in..
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young
woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried
with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked...
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from
that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love
and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending
socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main
course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep
your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was
coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something
wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand
and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell
them: 'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman
good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her
before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp
of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like
than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and
knowledge.. She KNEW that something better was coming.
**
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw
the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and
over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and
over he smiled. **
**
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had
with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the
fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could
not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not
be able to stop thinking about it either. **
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind
you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.*
*
**Great friends are a very rare jewel, indeed,** **t**hey make you smile and
encourage you to succeed**. **They lend an ear, they share a word of praise,
and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much
you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them
more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep your fork.'
**
Cherish the time you have , and the memories you share ...
Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet
responsibility.
**
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending back to
the person who sent it to you. **
And keep your fork.** *
-----
Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.. If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to
her.. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and
had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in
order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss
certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she
would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in..
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young
woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried
with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked...
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from
that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love
and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending
socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main
course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep
your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was
coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something
wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand
and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell
them: 'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman
good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her
before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp
of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like
than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and
knowledge.. She KNEW that something better was coming.
**
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw
the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and
over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and
over he smiled. **
**
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had
with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the
fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could
not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not
be able to stop thinking about it either. **
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind
you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.*
*
**Great friends are a very rare jewel, indeed,** **t**hey make you smile and
encourage you to succeed**. **They lend an ear, they share a word of praise,
and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much
you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them
more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep your fork.'
**
Cherish the time you have , and the memories you share ...
Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet
responsibility.
**
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending back to
the person who sent it to you. **
And keep your fork.** *
-----
Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.. If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to
her.. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Man vs Woman [Very Funny]
 | A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want |
 | A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. |
 | A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. |
 | Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. |
 | Any married man should forget his mistakes. No sense two people remembering the same thing |
 | Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. |
 | A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. |
 | A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. |
Wife is Wife
You may be the King of the Jungle!
All other animals, birds and humans may be scared of your roar!
You might have hunted the hunters!
The kingdom of jungle might be obeying your orders!
You might be enjoying the ride of other animals!
You might be loved and kissed by humans (out of fear?)!
Your one stare might be enough for the whole jungle to respect your decision!
You might have made many humans pissed off in their pants.
Many animals to scare for their lives.
Truly, you might be the King outside!
BUT WHEN YOU ARE AT HOME?
Wife is wife!!
REAR ADMIRAL
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, had bought new shoes for her wedding. On the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder". Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!" Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!" |
Why should the wedding ring be worn on the fourth finger?
Thumb represents your...... ............
Second (Index) finger represents your........
Middle finger represents your........
Fourth (Ring) finger represents your........
& Last (Little) finger represents your........
Firstly, open your palms (face to face), bend the middle fingers and
hold them together - back to back
Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and
Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and
the thumb - tip to tip (As shown in the figure above) Now, try to Separate your Thumbs (representing the parents)...,
they will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you
lifelong (Sorry but it’s the Truth), and have to leave you sooner or later.
Please join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers
(representing siblings)... .,
they will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have
their own families and will have to lead their own separate lives.
Now join the Index fingers and separate your Little fingers
(representing your children)... ., they will open too, because the children
also will get married and settle down on their own some day...
Finally, join your Little fingers, and try to separate your Ring fingers
(representing your spouse). You will be surprised to see that you just CAN NOT ..,
Coz Husband &Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin.. !!
Coz Husband &Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin.. !!
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