Computers and Cars

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo , Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five time 's as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

Ten Thoughts To Ponder For 2010

No 10.  Life is sexually transmitted.

 

No 9.   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

No 8.  Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

No 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

No 6.  Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

No 5.   Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

 

No 4.   All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

 

No 3.   Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

 

No 2.  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

The Last Post

If any of you have ever been to a military funeral in which The Last Post was played; This brings out a new meaning of it. Here is something everyone should know. Until I read this, I didn't know, But I checked it out and it's true: We have all heard the haunting song, 'The Last Post.'  It's the song that gives us the lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes. But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings. Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the American Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia . The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead. The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son.   The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army. The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we now know as 'The Last Post' used at military funerals was born. The words are: Day is done. Gone the sun. From the lakes From the hills. From the sky. All is well.. Safely rest. God is nigh. Fading light. Dims the sight. And a star. Gems the sky. Gleaming bright. From afar. Drawing nigh. Falls the night. Thanks and praise. For our days. Neath the sun Neath the stars. Neath the sky As we go. This we know. God is nigh I too have felt the chills while listening to 'The Last Post'  But I have never seen all the words to the song until now.   I didn't even know there was more than one verse . I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if You had either so I thought I'd pass it along. I now have an even deeper respect for the song than I did before. Remember Those Lost and Harmed While Serving Their Country. Also Remember Those Who Have Served And Returned; And for those presently serving in the Armed Forces.

The Deal

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!".....

Doctor's Advice

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor, "What happened?"

Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor, "I have a real good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."

Doctor, "You see, how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!".....