REVENGE OF THE "BOWL OF CHILI"

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Origin of New Year

New Year is the world's most popularly celebrated festival.

Perhaps, everybody would like to know how these celebrations

 began, from where it originated and what is so important

 about the festival. Let's give you an insight to the

origin of this grand event in a brief form.

 

Origin of New Year dates back to the era of emperors.

They thought of celebrating a special day which should

dot a day for beginning and end of the year.

First New Year celebrations were noticed in Mesopotamia

 around 2000 years.

It was celebrated at the time of Equinox in mid-March

by the Egyptians, Persians and Phoenicians while Greeks

 celebrated it on winter solstice.

 

Ancient New Year Calendar
First New Year celebrations were noticed in Mesopotamia

around 2000 years.

It was celebrated at the time of Equinox in mid-March

 by the Egyptians, Persians and Phoenicians

while Greeks celebrated it on winter solstice.
As per the ancient Roman calendar New Year fell on

 March 1.

 This calendar just had ten months and March was the

first month of the year.

The calendar originated by the cycles of the moon,

 beginning in spring and ending with autumn planting.

 

Inclusion of Two Calendar Months
It was Numa Pompilius, the second king of Rome

 who divided the year into twelve lunar months by adding

the months of January and February.

The New Year was shifted to January as it marked the

 beginning of the civil years in Rome.

But this was not fully accepted by the people of Rome

 and they continued celebrating in the month of March only.

 

January 1- an Official Date of New Year Celebrations
The Roman emperor Julius Caesar officially declared

 January 1 to be a New Year in 46 B.C. Romans worshiped

God Janus who had two faces, one looking forward

and the other looking backward.

The month of January was named after this Roman God

 and it gave an idea to the emperor to establish

January as a gate to the New Year.

 It is said Caesar celebrated January 1 - New Year

 by ordering the revolutionary Jewish forces to route back.

People began New Year celebrations on January 1 after

many years. They ritualized the beginning of the year by acting

 and re-enacting the world of the past before peace proliferated.

 People learned January as first month of the year and with this

the tradition of following Julian calendar.

 

Abolition of Roman New Year Date

In the medieval period, pagan festivals were given more

 importance and March 25 was announced as the

 beginning of the New Year.

 March 25 was called the Annunciation Day as on this day

 Mary got the news that she should be impregnated.

Later, the King of England ensured that Jesus' birth

December 25 should be commemorated as New Year.

 

Gregorian Calendar

About 500 years later, Pope Gregory XIII abolished the

old Julian calendar and introduced Gregorian calendar

which comprised of a leap year after every four years

 to maintain balance between seasons and calendar.

 Finally, in 1582, Gregorian calendar was set to celebrate

New Year on the first day of January. 

What is he trying to teach?????

Saturday's Smiles

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?

The gentleman replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.The police officer pulled me over for speeding.

Hoping for a little leniency, I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?”

During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading:

"Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford.”

---

Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and she headed straight for Space Mountain . I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice.

The next year we returned to Magic Kingdom and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain . As we stood in line, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.

"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."

I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.

She replied, "This year I can read better!”

---

I haven’t seen the dog since the New Year’s Eve party!

Give me your e-mail

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Some Company.




The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.




"You are employed."


He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."








The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."




I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."




The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.




He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.




The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.




5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.




He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.




He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email".




The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"




The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Some Company!"




**********

January 2nd Stolen Jokes

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the goods news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.

Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."



Bowlegged

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?"




-------------------


Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued,

"Now, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?"

Joann



The Army Chimp

A man showed up at M & T Stadium in Baltimore with a chimpanzee in tow. It was named Douglas, and was dressed up in a MacArthur costume complete with the crushed cap, aviator sunglasses, and corncob pipe and well worn, pressed khakis. Everyone remarked on how cute he was.

The man and his chimp took their seats in the Army rooting section.
It was well before kickoff - in fact well before the march-ons by both academies. After the march-ons the teams came onto the field to do their warm-ups and exercises.

At that point the chimp leapt out onto the field and began returning practice punts. He retrieved some errant passes thrown by the Army quarterbacks. He ran over and picked up some mule poop. A busy chimp indeed.

After the teams retired to their locker rooms to complete their pre- game rituals, they again took the field. The chimp led the Army team out with a series of cartwheels and back flips, never losing his cap or corncob pipe while doing so.

He returned to his seat for the playing of the National Anthem.
Everyone in his section remarked on what a well-trained chimp he was. Of course he saluted (and covered his ears when the Navy jets performed their salute.

The game started. The chimp was in a near-delirious state as Army drove down the filed. However he almost fainted when they missed a field goal, wide right.

Army later kicked a field goal and the chimp went bananas.
Cartwheels, push-ups, handstands, name it; he did them all.

Unfortunately that was all the scoring Army could come up with. The neighbors in the stands, very impressed, asked what the chimp did when Army wins the game.

"I don't really know', the man said. "He's only six and a half years old!"

--------------------------
Hard-hearted bitch

A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."

The bartender says, "It won't work."

"What do you mean, it won't work?"

"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"

"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"

"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."

"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"

"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"

"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.

Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"



One Liners

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


A scout master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the scout master.

Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why is that, Davey?" asked the scout master.

"Well," answered Davey, "the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scout master impatiently.

Davey replied, "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, `Put that red nine on top of that black ten.'"

men will try everything

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.


Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.


'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'


Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.


Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.


The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.


With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit................................. which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!

A wonderful story

In the picture, just look at their condition.. no place to sleep, still they have

made some space for d cat n d dog… water poring from the roof but still


each 1 of them have a peaceful smile on their face.. Simply amazing!!!!!


The happiest people in the world are not those who have no problems,


but those who learn to live with things that are less than perfect.


Keep Smiling Always.

Sand and Stone �

This story tells of two friends walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.


�


�


The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:


�


�


�


They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.


�


�


The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:


�


�


The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone. Why?"


�


�


The other friend replied, "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. When someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, where no wind can ever erase it."


�


�


Learn to write your hurts in sand, and to carve your benefits in stone.

The Final Prediction

A low cost budget film crew was shooting on an Indian Reservoir beach about natural psychic abilities of ancient American Indians.


Suddenly an Indian shows up, walks to the Director and says, “Tomorrow wind Storm, No shooting please. “ Sure enough a storm came and Director saved lots of money.




A few days later, again shooting preparedness was made and the Indian shows up.


“Tomorrow hurricane, no shooting please.” Sure enough a hurricane came and Director saved the money.




The amazing accurate predictive ability of the Indian on snow, rain, ice, blizzard, lightning, thunderstorm, was financially benefiting the Director that he got fond of him.


Now he was reaching towards the climax of the important shooting and waiting for the Indian to come and predict the weather.




The Indian was no where to be found. So he personally went looking for him and found him in a stinking smoking chimney hut. He went inside, bowed to him in a manners of their ancient customs, praised him and prayed that he bless him with the prediction for tomorrow’s finale.


The Indian says, “Tomorrow no prediction. My Radio broke down please.”

Why American Husbands Listen To Their Wive

Women set to outnumber men at work in America






One person's adversity is often another's opportunity. That's certainly proving to be the case in recession-hit North America. A spurt in firing


Of men and hiring of women has resulted in women now outnumbering men in the Canadian workforce, accounting for 50.9% of the country's 14 million salaried workers.






In the US, too, women now hold 49.8% of that country's 132 million


jobs and are projected to cross the 50% mark by the first quarter of 2010 when the US will - according to President Barack Obama - come out of recession.






American daily USA Today has described this as a historic reversal caused by long-term changes in women's roles and job losses for men during recession.






''Women are gaining the majority of jobs in the few sectors of the economy that are growing,'' the newspaper said. As a matter of fact,


At the current pace, women could even outnumber male workers in


The US by November this year.






Across the border in Canada, there are 160,000 more women in jobs than men, according to The Toronto Star.






Nobody in Canada really noticed when in 2007 women first outnumbered men in the workforce for three months from February to April. But this year, women's dominance in paid employment (50.9%) clearly marks a turning point. This is the first time it has lasted this


Long and the differences have been significantly high.






In the US, gender transformation is particularly visible in local governments' 14.6 million work force. Cities, schools, water


Authorities and other local jurisdictions have cut out 86,000 men


From payrolls during the recession while adding 167,000 women.


The postal service is cutting tens of thousands of unionised, blue


Collar jobs dominated by men while new hires are expanding in Teaching and other fields dominated by college educated women.






But analysts say these figures could be red herrings and that the


historic milestones hold little promise for women in their


Longstanding battle for economic equality.






The Toronto Star said women still make up about 70% of part-time workers and 60% of minimum wage earners in Canada.






"Nearly 40% are in precarious jobs that are poorly paid with little


Or no benefits," it said. And the average full-time female worker


Earns just 71.4 cents for every dollar earned by a man.






In US, the boost has come due to massive job cuts in male-dominated professions such as construction and manufacturing. Through June,


Men lost 74% of the 6.4 million jobs erased since the recession began. Men have lost over 3 million jobs in construction and manufacturing alone.






Labour economist Heidi Hartmann says the change reflects the growing importance of women as wage earners, but it doesn't show full equality. "On average, women work fewer hours than men, hold more part-time jobs and earn 77% of what men make," she said. Men also still dominate higher-paying executive ranks.