Dec 22, 2009
Wrong Question
The Indian and The Gay Guy...
At the end of a tiny deserted bar sits a huge Indian. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits down beside him. After three or four beers the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Indian.
Leaning over towards him, he whispers, 'Do you want a blow job?'
At this the massive Indian leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face knocking him swiftly off his stool.
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returns to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Indian.
'I've never seen you react like that,' he says. 'Just what did he say to you?'
Leaning over towards him, he whispers, 'Do you want a blow job?'
At this the massive Indian leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face knocking him swiftly off his stool.
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returns to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Indian.
'I've never seen you react like that,' he says. 'Just what did he say to you?'
'I don't know,' the big Indian replied. 'Something about a job.'
--
"SON OF A BITCH FISH"
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it
In.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it!Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a
Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his
Trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit
In a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said..
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and
That Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect..The Friar
Had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added," And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said,
"You fuckers are my kind of people
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it
In.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it!Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a
Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his
Trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit
In a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said..
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and
That Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect..The Friar
Had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added," And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
A big smile crept across his face as he said,
"You fuckers are my kind of people
Salman & ViVeK
Salman Khan arrives home to find 'Salman is an idiot' written right in front of his door.
He says to his friend: 'That's strange - this seems to be written in urine.... Do some tests and find out who did it.'
Later that day, his friend returns to Salman.
'Bad news, I'm afraid! The urine is that of Vivek Oberoi!'
'I would have expected that...', Salman says, 'Why is that bad?'
'Well, the handwriting is Aishwarya's!'
He says to his friend: 'That's strange - this seems to be written in urine.... Do some tests and find out who did it.'
Later that day, his friend returns to Salman.
'Bad news, I'm afraid! The urine is that of Vivek Oberoi!'
'I would have expected that...', Salman says, 'Why is that bad?'
'Well, the handwriting is Aishwarya's!'
The waiting room . . .
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing,
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied..
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied..
Four friends
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.
"Damn man," they say; "how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday” say’s Frank
Yesterday I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.
She had put handcuffs and ropes on the bed!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
Then she said &do whatever you want.;&;And here I am.
Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.
"Damn man," they say; "how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday” say’s Frank
Yesterday I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.
She had put handcuffs and ropes on the bed!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
Then she said &do whatever you want.;&;And here I am.
Punctuality.....
A
Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to
make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However,
he was delayed, so the Priest was asked to say a few words in the meanwhile.
Not being prepared to speak then, he wondered for a minute and then
decided to share his experience on the first day in the parish to highlight how
one should not rush to conclusions.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen
money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his
boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his neighbour. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'....
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,'
said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go
to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.
Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to
make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However,
he was delayed, so the Priest was asked to say a few words in the meanwhile.
Not being prepared to speak then, he wondered for a minute and then
decided to share his experience on the first day in the parish to highlight how
one should not rush to conclusions.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen
money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his
boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his neighbour. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'....
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,'
said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go
to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.
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