TIPS ON HOW TO MASTURBATE

Tips on how to Masturbation   If you're a girl 1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip. 2) Put a little water on it. 3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable. 4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs. 5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS. 6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything) 7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast. 8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T. 9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poop hole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.) 10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet. 11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently. 12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly. 13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (That's the spot above the hole) 14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going. 15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good. 16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again. 17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse. 18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large. If you're a boy 1)Read this. 2)Rub penis.

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Sidhuism (Hilarious)

That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.

 

Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

 

This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."

 

Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.

 

Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.

 

Wickets are like wives you never know which way they will turn!

 

He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

 

The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!

 

As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

 

The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.

 

The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.

 

The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

 

Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

 

The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala-one falls and everything else falls!

 

Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.

 

You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.

 

Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.

 

He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

 

One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

 

This was uttered after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."

 

Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

 

Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

 

You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

 

The cat with gloves catches no mice.

 

Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

 

You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

 

He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.

 

The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.

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Danagerous Rules of a Company (Hilarious)

*Rules of a company*

 

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

 

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

 

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

 

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore do not need a raise.

 

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*Sick Days*

 

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

 

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

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*Personal Days*

 

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

 

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*Toilet Use*

 

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

 

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be
taken.

 

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
category".

 

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company'smental health policy!

 

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to
swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

 

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*Lunch Break*

 

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.

 

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

 

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a slim fast.

 

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*Mails*

 

Don't
read junk and forwarded mails.

 

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Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

 

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations,consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

The Management.

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Bagh Ibn-e-Qasim Park Karachi

Bagh Ibn-e-Qasim Park Karachi

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Education

EDUCATION

A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question." The inspector decides to ask a biblical question. He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?" For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly.

Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The inspector points excitedly to him. Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I am innocent."

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says: "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is totally shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent."

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and calls the Minister of Education. He relates the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the school.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena. You know I am very busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed."

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Soldiers With Pets

 Soldiers With Pets

Sometimes an animal is the most human thing on a battle field. Here's an extremely cute collection of soldiers with puppies.

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