Epic T-Shirts
Jan 1, 2012
(Blondes) ... Suicidal
Suicidal:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off.
of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $5,000.00
for veneers, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $5,000.00
for veneers, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Aren't Blondes The Best!?!
Life's Journey...For The Guys
The Journey of Man
When? I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.? Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits
The Redneck
The Redneck went to the hospital As his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, The Nurse says "Congratulations, Your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, The babies are all black."
Upon arriving, The Nurse says "Congratulations, Your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, The babies are all black."
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A Christmas Golf Joke
A Christmas Golf Joke
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his Buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a Priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy said, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number three guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater"
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a Priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy said, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number three guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater"
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Little Johnny
Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy. "She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me," he said. "She never says anything to me, I don't think she knows I'm alive."
"Well," his father responded, "the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her a compliment. Try saying something nice about her clothing, and she will remember you fondly. Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to start a conversation with a pretty girl."
The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the playground. "Hey Suzy," he said, "That is sure a pretty sweater you are wearing. Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?"
Without blinking an eye she replied, "The same place you got your pants with the gear shift."
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Panty
Panty
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
"OOOOhhhh" said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars."
The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "It's ok Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
"OOOOhhhh" said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars."
The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "It's ok Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."
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Purchasing Brain Power
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"
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God The Parent
God The Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Where?"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Where?"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
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Complaining About Their Husbands
Complaining About Their Husbands
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands. "My husband's losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."
"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.
"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said. "The way my husband's thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea."
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands. "My husband's losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."
"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.
"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said. "The way my husband's thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea."
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Shoplifter
Shoplifter
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either.
What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either.
What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
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Soup Du Jour
Soup Du Jour
An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.
The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.
The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread."
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.
The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.
The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread."
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Natural And Man Made Wonders Of The World
Amazing photos of the most beautiful constructions and natural wonders of the world.
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