ROMANCING WITH THE SENSES

Most of us have fallen in love at least once in our lives. That one time that we fell in love could be the one great love of our lives, and that person we fell in love with is the one to whom we are blissfully married and with whom we see ourselves staying for the rest of our lives. That one time we fell in love could have also sparked for us a series of love affairs, some lasting happily for as long as it lasted, while others ending up in a bitter breakup.




Without resorting to sugary language found in sonnets and in drugstore paperback romances, we can all say that being in love is a wonderful feeling. Being in love makes us dazed and lightheaded, as if we are drunk. It makes our steps airy, as if we are walking on the clouds. We serenade the world with loud voices, and we smile and laugh even when there is nothing funny. This is most true when love is still new and all the gestures of your loved one appear romantic to you.




There comes a point in every relationship, however, when the sparks of romance, the fire that swept us off of our feet, fade into embers with the prosaicness of everyday life. When the flames die out, the relationship either just drags on or simply ends.




But we all remember how it is when love is still new. Perhaps if we make it a point to capture the newness of our love, of reminding not just our loved one but also ourselves of how the relationship started, then sparks do not have to die but just keep on burning. Continuously rekindling romance only takes a simple seduction of the senses.




Sight. All of us at some point in our lives will begin to develop fine lines, grow gray hair and become thick at the waist. It is part of the aging process. But this does not mean we have to let ourselves go completely just because we are getting old. Would it not be nice to let our beloved get a glimpse of the pretty girl he first fell in love with?




Make it a point to wear a nice, flattering dress every so often. Put on some make up, but not too much since too much makeup only emphasizes the age-borne flaws of our skin. Keep yourself fit. Once in a while, turn off the electric lights of the house and light up candles instead to set the mood for some romance.




Smell. Never underestimate the power of the nose. The nose can pick up even the subtlest of smells that come from our bodies and our surroundings. Some senses simply turn us off while some induce our bodies to produce endorphins, the feel-good hormone.




To awaken your beloved?s senses and make him more aware of you, spray on a bit of perfume and light up some scented candles. And since a lot of people swear by the old adage that the way to a man?s heart is through his stomach, the fragrant smell of dinner cooked especially for him also does the work.




Taste. As mentioned above, the way to a man?s heart is through his stomach. We often associate food with pleasure because food, especially a well-prepared and a well-presented dish, is indeed a pleasure. Some foods are also known to stir desire and act as aphrodisiacs. Examples of these are chocolates, oysters, almonds, peaches, strawberries and bananas. Feed your darling something special ? And something heady. It will definitely stir him up.




Hearing. Food and scent are not the only ones that are capable of coaxing the body to produce endorphins. Music can do this too. Slow music can enhance the romance in the atmosphere. You and your beloved can either dance cheek to cheek with the music, or simply reminisce about the wonderful times you have had together so far. As Barry Manilow once crooned: ?Maybe the old songs will bring back the old times; maybe the old times would sound new.?




Touch. Touch denotes intimacy, and intimacy breathes new life into the fires of a relationship. You do not have to dance to be able to touch, and not every touch should have to lead to making love. It can be as simple as holding hands with him, resting your head against his shoulder, stroking his hair and kissing him gently. Of course, if such gestures lead to lovemaking, then it would be great. Just take it slow and do not force it.




A healthy dose of romance keeps the sparks of a relationship alive and lasting. Add a little romance into your life with your beloved.

A Simple Calculation! - But Stunning!

Amazing Growth of INFOSYS


We all know about the growth story of Infosys. How about the stock? Lets find out.




Infosys was founded by Narayana Murthy along with some others in 1981. It came with an IPO in 1993 at the price of Rs. 95.








Everybody who applied got the shares. Many missed the Diamond opportunity by not applying.




Suppose that a person applied for 100 Shares. It would cost him Rs. 9500.




Let us assume that he is holding the same position till today. What will be the value now?


Let us calculate.




Remember that in these 13 years Infosys would have offered many dividends.




Let us keep this aside and calculate the value of shares alone. Soon after IPO, Infy gave 1:1 bonus in 1994.




So, our 100 shares will be 200 in 1994. Again they gave 1:1 bonus in 1996.




That will take the count to 400 shares. And again in 1998 they offered bonus of 1:3 shares. That will take our count to 1600 shares.




In 2000, they split the stocks (Rs. 10 FC to Rs. 5 FC). This will take our count to 3200 shares. In 2004, again they announced 1:1 bonus. It will take our count to 6400 shares.




Recently, two months back they gave bonus shares in the ratio of 1:1. Now, the count of ours would be 12800.




Today(13/10/2006), I checked the CMP of Infosys. Its Rs. 2070. So, what will be the value of our shares?




12800 x 2070 = Rs. 2,64,96,000. Yes, its Two Crores Sixty Four Lakh and Ninety Six Thousand only.




What other investment would have taken to this level? Real-Estate? Bank Deposit? Gold? I don't think so.




A Bank deposit of Rs. 9500 in the same year at the rate of 12% would have hardly fetched us Rs.38,000 by this time.




Can u find ONE MORE INFOSYS..................now and tell me also :)

Man & Women

Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Therefore,
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words,
Humans that don't know enjoy = Donkey that works
============ ========= =========


Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money
Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
============ ========= =========


Equation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend
Therefore,
Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys
============ ========= =========


To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend.
So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)
And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)
So, we have...
Men+ Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money
Therefore... from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Present For Husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.


Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.


The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"


The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.


Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"


"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"


"Which present?" She asked.


"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"


"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

The " Y " Generation :

People born between 1925 and 1945.....Are called...
The Silent Generation

People born between 1946 and 1964...Are called....
The Baby Boomers

People born between 1965 and 1982...Are called....
Generation X.

People born after 1983...Are called....
Generation Y

BUT.........Y
Why do we call the last group of people...Generation Y ?
I had no idea until I saw this caricaturist' s explanation!
A picture is worth a thousand words!

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

wife of yesterday today and tomorrow‏

New Dating Dictionary

ATTRACTION.. ... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.


LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.


DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.


BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.


EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.


EYE CONTACT...... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.


FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.


INDIFFERENCE. .... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".


INTERESTING. .... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.


IRRITATING HABIT...... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.


LAW OF RELATIVITY.. ... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.


NYMPHOMANIAC. .... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.


SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall

P'njaab Airways

P'njaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri Akal.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh "Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.

We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage.

P'njaab Airways has exc'llant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation.

For the rest 10%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.

For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.

We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.

But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened

For your viewing convenience. For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.

If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment. Our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.

There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.

Please do read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.

The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.

Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.

Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.

We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets

Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways

Intresting Facts

Here are some interesting, but true facts, that you may or may not have known.
------------ ------
The Statue of Liberty's index finger is eight feet long
Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile
A 75 year old person will have slept about 23 years.
A Boeing 747's wing span is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.(the Wright brother's invented the airplane)
There are as many chickens on earth as there are humans.
One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny
The word "set " has the most number of definitions in the English language;192
Slugs have four noses
Sharks can live up to 100 years
Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.
Kangaroos can't walk backwards
About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in in the U.S. Everyday
The largest recorded snowflake was 15in wide and 8in thick. It fell in Montana in 1887
The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.
Former president Bill Clinton only sent 2 emails in his entire 8 year presidency
Koalas and humans are the only animals that have finger prints
There are 200,000,000 insects for every one human
It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery had in it to begin with.
The world's largest Montessori school is in India, with 26,312 students in 2002
Octopus have three hearts
If you ate too many carrots, you'd turn orange
The average person spends two weeks waiting for a traffic light to change.
1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116 or old
The body has 2-3 million sweat glands
Sperm whales have the biggest brains; 20 lbs
Tiger shark embroyos fight each other in their mother's womb. The survivor is born.
Most cats are left pawed
250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa
A Blue whale's tongue weighs more than an elephant
You use 14 muscles to smile and 43 to frown. Keep Smiling!
Bamboo can grow up to 3 ft in 24 hours
An eyeball weighs about 1 ounce
Bone is five times stronger than steel.

JoB Openings In MNC

Hindustan Lever has job vacancies in their deo /perfume Plant.
If you're interested, apply to: hrhl@MNC.com ,

The Package:
1. Proposed salary is Net Rs.75,000/mth,
2. Health benefits
3. 6 hours / day
4. 5 working days / week
5. Transport provided
6. Medical Benefits - Rs.8500/pm








Conditions:
1. You only need to have a very good sense of smell.
2. Willingness to explore with your nose
Scroll down for a demo of the job......... ......

School answering machine ( Don't Ask Question ! )‏

This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.




This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.




The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.




*********************The outgoing message:***************************




'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.


In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:


* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1


* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2


* To complain about what we do - Press 3


* To swear at staff members - Press 4


* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5


* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6


* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7


* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8


* To complain about bus transport - Press 9


* To complain about school lunches - Press 0




LASTLY:


If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!




If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is England, now piss off.

Children Innocence (LOL)

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation? ' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'

It Finally Arrived ( Womens - Remote )

This is the reason men die before women due to wom...

Be Positive Like This Boy (Humor)

A beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. What is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
Questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'
Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.


Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
Delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut


Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum


Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring


Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow


Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME.


Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
'Send this Boy to
IIM AHMEDABAD (Indian Institute Of Management)
I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'

Trading Place

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.

One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation.

He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here"

Funny Definitions

Abundance - A baker's exercise (A-bun-dance)
Arbitrator - A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Arcade - A lemonade type drink served on Noah's Ark.
Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do.
Babysitter - A small child that has not learned to crawl or walk.
Baloney - Where some hemlines fall.
Band-Aid - A fund to help a band.
Bernadette - The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize - What a crook sees with.
Cadillac - Lack of cattle.
Contents - Where con men sleep while on a camping trip.
Control - A short, ugly inmate.
Cookout - The cook's day off.
Counterfeiters - Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Cowlick - Bashing a cow.
Cowhide - Game of Hide and Seek played by cows.
Detail - Removing a tail.
Dieting - The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
Dog Paddle - A rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it.
Doughnut - Holey food.
Eclipse - What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Eyedropper - A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Fan Club - A weapon used by a celebrity so he won't be crushed by fans.
Feather Brained - Fuzzy headed.
Feather Head - An American Indian Chief.
Fire Escape - A way for a fire to go out.
First Lady - Eve.
Flying Saucers - The wife is on a rampage.
Funny Paper - (1) A paper that laughs. (2) The paper you read instead of going to church.
Ghost Town - A town full of Haunted Houses.
Girl Scout - A boy that "scouts" for girls.
Good-bye - A bargain.
Gossip - 24-hour teller.
Handicap - A head cover that is easy to locate and wear.
Hardship - A ship protected by thick cover.
Hatchet - What a hen does to an egg.
Hay - Grass a-la-mowed.
Headlight - A dizzy spell.
Heavy Duty - Loading an elephant.
Hence - An enclosure around a hen yard.
Heroes - What a guy in a boat does.
High school - A school atop the Sears Building.
High water - The main reason Noah built the ark.
Himalaya - A rooster that lays an egg.
Holy Smoke - A church on fire.
House Keeper - A lady that kicks her husband out and keeps the house.
Ideal Person - A card player that wants to deal everytime.
Illegal - A sick bird.
Installment - Putting a horse in a stall.
Lad - A short ladder.
Laughing Stock - Cattle, horses, sheep and hogs responding to a good joke.
Layaway Plan - A pre-arranged burial plan.
Laying Down The Law - Putting the law aside and making your own rules.
Left Bank - What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Life Jacket - A special coat that lasts a lifetime.
Lip Service - Applying lipstick.
Little Dipper - A small boy diving.
Long Jump - When the cow jumped over the moon.
Matchbook - A book about matches.
Megaphone - A very large telephone.
Mistletoe - Any animal with a toe missing.
Misty - How golfers create divots.
Mohair - What bald headed men need.
Monkey Business - A petstore employing monkeys only.
Moron - Someone that spent all night studying for a blood test.
Moth Ball - A special social event for moths.
Negative Feedback - One result of seasickness.
Network - The process of making nets.
Outfit - Pitching a fit outdoors.
Over Leap - When the cow jumped over the moon.
Overloaded - An elephant riding a bicycle.
Oyster Bed - A place for an oyster to sleep.
Pacifist - One that can't advocate peace without clinching his fist.
Paradox - Two physicians.
Parasites - What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
Pedestrian - An endagered species.
Period - A comma that curled up and went to sleep.
Pharmacist - A helper on the farm.
Piggyback - A lost pig is back home.
Pigment - A mint plant grown to feed hogs.
Pineapple - An apple that grew on a pine tree.
Polarize - What penguins see with.
Pole Vault - A vault where poles hid from Hitler.
Polite - A light on a pole.
Polygon - A parrot that got away.
Priesthood - A special headpiece for a priest.
Primate - Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Protest - Testing a professional person.
Put-down - To hot to handle.
Quarterback - Change when you pay for a 75¢ item with a dollar bill.
Reform - To gain or lose weight.
Refuse - Replacing a burned out fuse.
Relief - What trees do in the spring.
Remind - A brain transplant.
Rest Stop - The traffic light is stuck on red.
Retire - Replacement of tires.
Ringworm - Worm with a bell.
Rock Music - A lullaby sung in a rocking chair.
Roman - A person that never settles very long in one place.
Sausage - "Groundog".
Scorekeeper - Someone that knows the score but keeps it to himself.
Showoff - The show has been cancelled.
Selfish - What the owner of a seafood store does.
Single Entry - Single people only.
Standing Order - Freeze!
Subdued - Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed - Brought litigation against a government official.
Sunny - A bright boy.
Sunbeam - A heat proof beam supporting the sun.
Sunburn - What you basked for.
Sundial - An old-timer.
Sweater - A person that freely perspires.
Syntax - All the money collected at the church from sinners.
Teenagers - People who are doing the things you wish we had thought of when we were younger.
Time Keeper - A guy that didn't return your watch.
Tireless - Have a car but have no tires.
Tooth Picks - The choices many dentists give patients to select their artificial teeth.
Touch-Me-Not - A person with a severe sunburn.
Travelers Aid - A soft drink for tourists.
Vitamin - What you do when someone comes to the house.
Waffle Iron - A special additive to put more iron in waffles.
Waterfall - A "watered-down" place in a stream.
Well Done - A water, gas or oil well is completed.
Weekend - A book with a blah ending.
Whether - Unpredictable weather.
Wildlife - Living it up!
Witchcraft - Handmade crafts made for Halloween.
Woodchuck - Throwing a heavy pole, post or other item made of wood.
Workout - An outside job.
Writer - One who corrects a wrong.
Year Book - A book that takes a year to read.
Zero Hour - Time kept by a "cuckoo" clock.

Ball replacement

These days we have optical and laser mice, but In the olden days a couple of years computer mice had balls in them and it required some maintenance for proper functioning. 

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem, The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor laughing. 

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. 

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. 

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. 

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. 

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Talking Photo booth Prank

You enter a Photo booth, to get a photo of your captured
but instead just listen to the weird commands by the Machine
Infact, it does all the talking. Put your speakers on, and have fun.

Monkey in the Plane

 

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 20' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating throwing"

Officer: "After 40 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!!

DIFFICULT QUESTIONS AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS!

Question and the Answer given by Candidates, oh sorry, they are IAS Officers now.
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

————————-
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

————————-
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

————————-
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

————————-
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

————————-

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

————————-
Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half. (UPSC – IAS Topper )

————————-

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

A : Dinner.

————————-
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?

A : It caused a revolution.

————————-
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

————————-
Interviewer said “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.
Think well before you make up your mind!” The boy thought for a while and said, “my choice is one really difficult question.”
“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.
“What comes first, Day or Night?”

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on his answer, but he thought for a while and said, “It’s the DAY sir!”

“How” the interviewer asked, “Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!”

He was selected for IIM!

can you ‘con’ ?

YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!


An Indian discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as “CON”.


This is something pretty cool…and unbelievable… At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn’t answer why this happened!


So, inform about this to all your friends. TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT, CREATE ” CON ” FOLDER


Try To rename the New Folder as CON or con it will not accept…

The Obedient Wife...........................

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife.... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

 

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it

 

Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!!! :(

 

The Top 500 Worst Passwords of All Time

From the moment people started using passwords, it didn’t take long to realize how many people picked the very same passwords over and over. Even the way people misspell words is consistent. In fact, people are so predictable that most hackers make use of lists of common passwords just like these. To give you some insight into how predictable humans are, the following is a list of the 500 most common passwords. If you see your password on this list, please change it immediately. Keep in mind that every password listed here has been used by at least hundreds if not thousands of other people.
There are some interesting passwords on this list that show how people try to be clever, but even human cleverness is predictable. For example, look at these passwords that I found interesting:

ncc1701 The ship number for the Starship Enterprise
thx1138 The name of George Lucas’s first movie, a 1971 remake of an earlier student project
qazwsx Follows a simple pattern when typed on a typical keyboard
666666 Six sixes
7777777 Seven sevens
ou812 The title of a 1988 Van Halen album
8675309 The number mentioned in the 1982 Tommy Tutone song. The song supposedly caused an epidemic of people dialing 867- 5309 and asking for “Jenny”
“…Approximately one out of every nine people uses at least one password on the list shown in Table 9.1! And one out of every 50 people uses one of the top 20 worst passwords..”
Lists the top 500 worst passwords of all time, not considering character case. Don’t blame me for the offensive words; you were the ones who picked these, not me.

NO	Top 1-100	Top 101–200	Top 201–300	Top 301–400	Top 401–500
1	123456	porsche	firebird	prince	rosebud
2	password	guitar	butter	beach	jaguar
3	12345678	chelsea	united	amateur	great
4	1234	black	turtle	7777777	cool
5	pussy	diamond	steelers	muffin	cooper
6	12345	nascar	tiffany	redsox	1313
7	dragon	jackson	zxcvbn	star	scorpio
8	qwerty	cameron	tomcat	testing	mountain
9	696969	654321	golf	shannon	madison
10	mustang	computer	bond007	murphy	987654
11	letmein	amanda	bear	frank	brazil
12	baseball	wizard	tiger	hannah	lauren
13	master	xxxxxxxx	doctor	dave	japan
14	michael	money	gateway	eagle1	naked
15	football	phoenix	gators	11111	squirt
16	shadow	mickey	angel	mother	stars
17	monkey	bailey	junior	nathan	apple
18	abc123	knight	thx1138	raiders	alexis
19	pass	iceman	porno	steve	aaaa
20	fuckme	tigers	badboy	forever	bonnie
21	6969	purple	debbie	angela	peaches
22	jordan	andrea	spider	viper	jasmine
23	harley	horny	melissa	ou812	kevin
24	ranger	dakota	booger	jake	matt
25	iwantu	aaaaaa	1212	lovers	qwertyui
26	jennifer	player	flyers	suckit	danielle
27	hunter	sunshine	fish	gregory	beaver
28	fuck	morgan	porn	buddy	4321
29	2000	starwars	matrix	whatever	4128
30	test	boomer	teens	young	runner
31	batman	cowboys	scooby	nicholas	swimming
32	trustno1	edward	jason	lucky	dolphin
33	thomas	charles	walter	helpme	gordon
34	tigger	girls	cumshot	jackie	casper
35	robert	booboo	boston	monica	stupid
36	access	coffee	braves	midnight	shit
37	love	xxxxxx	yankee	college	saturn
38	buster	bulldog	lover	baby	gemini
39	1234567	ncc1701	barney	cunt	apples
40	soccer	rabbit	victor	brian	august
41	hockey	peanut	tucker	mark	3333
42	killer	john	princess	startrek	canada
43	george	johnny	mercedes	sierra	blazer
44	sexy	gandalf	5150	leather	cumming
45	andrew	spanky	doggie	232323	hunting
46	charlie	winter	zzzzzz	4444	kitty
47	superman	brandy	gunner	beavis	rainbow
48	asshole	compaq	horney	bigcock	112233
49	fuckyou	carlos	bubba	happy	arthur
50	dallas	tennis	2112	sophie	cream
51	jessica	james	fred	ladies	calvin
52	panties	mike	johnson	naughty	shaved
53	pepper	brandon	xxxxx	giants	surfer
54	1111	fender	tits	booty	samson
55	austin	anthony	member	blonde	kelly
56	william	blowme	boobs	fucked	paul
57	daniel	ferrari	donald	golden	mine
58	golfer	cookie	bigdaddy	0	king
59	summer	chicken	bronco	fire	racing
60	heather	maverick	penis	sandra	5555
61	hammer	chicago	voyager	pookie	eagle
62	yankees	joseph	rangers	packers	hentai
63	joshua	diablo	birdie	einstein	newyork
64	maggie	sexsex	trouble	dolphins	little
65	biteme	hardcore	white	0	redwings
66	enter	666666	topgun	chevy	smith
67	ashley	willie	bigtits	winston	sticky
68	thunder	welcome	bitches	warrior	cocacola
69	cowboy	chris	green	sammy	animal
70	silver	panther	super	slut	broncos
71	richard	yamaha	qazwsx	8675309	private
72	fucker	justin	magic	zxcvbnm	skippy
73	orange	banana	lakers	nipples	marvin
74	merlin	driver	rachel	power	blondes
75	michelle	marine	slayer	victoria	enjoy
76	corvette	angels	scott	asdfgh	girl
77	bigdog	fishing	2222	vagina	apollo
78	cheese	david	asdf	toyota	parker
79	matthew	maddog	video	travis	qwert
80	121212	hooters	london	hotdog	time
81	patrick	wilson	7777	paris	sydney
82	martin	butthead	marlboro	rock	women
83	freedom	dennis	srinivas	xxxx	voodoo
84	ginger	fucking	internet	extreme	magnum
85	blowjob	captain	action	redskins	juice
86	nicole	bigdick	carter	erotic	abgrtyu
87	sparky	chester	jasper	dirty	777777
88	yellow	smokey	monster	ford	dreams
89	camaro	xavier	teresa	freddy	maxwell
90	secret	steven	jeremy	arsenal	music
91	dick	viking	11111111	access14	rush2112
92	falcon	snoopy	bill	wolf	russia
93	taylor	blue	crystal	nipple	scorpion
94	111111	eagles	peter	iloveyou	rebecca
95	131313	winner	pussies	alex	tester
96	123123	samantha	cock	florida	mistress
97	bitch	house	beer	eric	phantom
98	hello	miller	rocket	legend	billy
99	scooter	flower	theman	movie	6666
100	please	jack	oliver	success	albert

Source: Perfect Passwords, Mark Burnett 2005

Shit happens

CATHOLIC COFFEE

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

 

 

What A Picture ....!!!

Why is it when your wife gets pregnant...

 All her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations!"

But nobody rubs your dick and say's "Good Job"?

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

How do these people survive?_
*
**_ONE_*
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets/
//(Unbelievable but sadly true...)/ *_

_**_TWO_*
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider',
looking it ! all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened. *_

_**_THREE _*
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was
using the ATM 'thingy' /
//(keep shuddering!!)/*_

_**_FOUR _*
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you
need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing
to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?''Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys
to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk....' */
/**/PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!/*
*_

_**_FIVE_*
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies. *
**Brunette, by the way!!* *_

_**_SIX _*
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be
fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Letter to Ex-girlfriend ( Funny humor )

Hasna Zaruri hai ( Funny SMS Shayaris..)

Bandar ki Beti Apne Baap se Boli
Papa Papa Mujhe Shadi Karni Hai
Beta thoda intezar karo kyonki
Dulha Abhi SMS Read Kar Rahi hai






PANI AANAY KI BAAT KARTE HOO
DIL JALANE KI BAAT KARTE HOO
CHAR DIN SE MOO NAHI DHOIYA
TUM NAHANE KI BAAT KARTE HOO








Jis taraf dekho apka hi naam hai
Jis taraf dekho apka hi naam hai
upar likha hai most wanted
neeche 25 paise ka inaam hai






usne mehndi laga rakhi thi
humne uski doli utha rakhi thi
hum ko maloom tha ke woh bewafa niklegi
issi liye humne uski behan pata rakhi thi








APPLE KAT'TA HO KNIFE SE
PANI PITA HO PIPE SE
KIYA ZAMANA AGAYA HAI
JUTAI KHATA HO TUM WIFE SE








Ishq Me Dekh Tera Kya Haal Ho Gaya,
Badan Se Badbu Maar Rahi Hai,
Tujhe Nahaye Hue Zamana Ho Gaya.






Internet par ladki pataayi
Internet par ho gayi sagaayi
Internet par divorce ho gaya
Is bahaane computer ka course ho gaya




PYAR MAIN KISI NE DHOKHA KHAYA
TO KISI NE KASAM KHAI HAI
Tum WO MAJNOO HAI
JIS NE SIRF LAAT KHAI HAI








Dekha tujhe to rooh khush ho gayi,
Ek kami thi vo bhi puri ho gayi,
Pagal hain vo log jo kehte hain ki,
Chimpanzi ki aakhri nasal kahin kho gayi!!






Na ishq karna mere yaar
ye ladkiya bahut satati hai
na karna in par aitbar
ye kharch bahut karwati hai
recharge tum karwa ke dete ho
or number mera lagati hai




Teri yaad mein humne kalam uthaayi
Liya paper aur tasveer aapki banayi
Socha tha ki usko dil se laga kar rakhenge
Magar vo to bacho ko draane ke kaam aayi...




Umeedo ki manjil toot gayi
Aankho se ashqo ki dhara beh gayi
Are tumahri bhi kya izaat reh gayi
Jab class ki ladki bhaiya keh gayi..






Pyaar Ise Kehte Hain
Jawani ko zindage ki nikhaar kehte hain,
pathjad ko chaman ka majdhaar kehte hain,
Ajeeb chalan hain duniya ka yaaro,
Ek Dhoka hain Jise hum sab PYAAR kehte hain!








Hum aise aashik hain jo gulab ko kamal bana denge,
Uski har adaa par ghazal bana denge,
Agar wo aa jayegi meri zindagi me,
To lalu ki kasam Bihar me bhi Tajmahal bana denge.






DOSTI KI KADAR KARTE HAI HUM
AASMA MEIN SITARE HAI JITNE
YAKIN NA HO TO CALL KAR KE DEKHLO
BAAT KARENGEY AAPKE MOBILE MEIN PAISE HO JITNE




Yeh jo hasinao ke baal hote hai,
ladko ko fasane ke jaal hote hai,
pee jati hai sara khoon ladko ka
tabhi to gaal itne laal hote hai..




Tum door sahi majboor sahi,
par yaad tumhari aati hai,
Jab saans wahan par
leti ho toh badboo yahaan par aati hai






DOSTI KI KADAR KARTE HAI HUM
AASMA MEIN SITARE HAI JITNE
YAKIN NA HO TO CALL KAR KE DEKHLO
BAAT KARENGEY AAPKE MOBILE MEIN PAISE HO JITNE








Majnu ko Laila ka SMS nahi aaya
Usne 3 din se khana nahi khaya.
Woh marne wala hai Laila ke pyar mein,
Aur Laila baithi hai SMS free hone ke intezar mein.










Har gali phoolon se saja rakhi hai,
Har chowk pe ladkiyan bitha rakhi hai,
Na jane kis raste se aap aaoge,
Isliye har ladki ko ek-ek raakhi thama rakhi hai.

Marriage..

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night..whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*********************************** ******

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT

TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


************** ***************************

Send this to smart women who

need a laugh

 

and to men you think can

handle it .