A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." replied Gita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is an Indian.
"Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too."
The teacher is now angry.
"That's no reason", she says loudly, "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile.
"Then," says Gita, "I'd be an American."
Dec 15, 2009
Desi Photo Sessions!!
Here are few examples how our desi people poses for a photograph: If you have some more photos of this kind please throw me a link:
You Must Be a Dentist
A guy and a girl met at a bar in Mumbai. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'
Flabbergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'
The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands'
One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'
The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'
The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'
Flabbergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'
The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands'
One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'
The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'
The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'
China ka Kamaal or just a Coincidence!!
Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........ next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........ next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
Thermos Flask…
A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, ‘What is that shiny object?’
The clerk replies, ‘That is a thermos flask.’
The sardar then asks, ‘What does it do?’
The clerk responds, ‘It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.’
The sardar says, ‘I’ll take it!’
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His sardar boss sees him and asks, ‘What is that shiny object with you?’
He said, ‘It’s a thermos flask.’
The boss then says,’What does it ! do?’
He replies, ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’
The boss said, ‘Wow, what do you have in it?’
The sardar replies, ‘Two cups of coffee and a coke.’
He asks the clerk, ‘What is that shiny object?’
The clerk replies, ‘That is a thermos flask.’
The sardar then asks, ‘What does it do?’
The clerk responds, ‘It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.’
The sardar says, ‘I’ll take it!’
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His sardar boss sees him and asks, ‘What is that shiny object with you?’
He said, ‘It’s a thermos flask.’
The boss then says,’What does it ! do?’
He replies, ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’
The boss said, ‘Wow, what do you have in it?’
The sardar replies, ‘Two cups of coffee and a coke.’
Taxi Driver
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Mumbai.It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have s*x with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have s*x with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
Top 10 Hindi Dialogues n others
Category : Top 10 statements in Hindi movies
10. Kuttay, Kameenay mai tumhe jaan se maar doonga
9. Mai tumhara ehasaan zindagi bhar nahin bhuloonga
8. Itnay paisay tum kahan se laaye?
7. Main tumharay bina mar jaa-oongi.
6. Bacchhhaaaaaooooo.....
5. Yeh anyay hai bhagwan
4. Bataoo, heeray kahan hai.
3. Tum may-re liye mar chuke ho.
2. Police meeray peechay lagi hui hai.
And the number one statement is .....
1. Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon.
Here are the best of the rest...10. Kuttay, Kameenay mai tumhe jaan se maar doonga
9. Mai tumhara ehasaan zindagi bhar nahin bhuloonga
8. Itnay paisay tum kahan se laaye?
7. Main tumharay bina mar jaa-oongi.
6. Bacchhhaaaaaooooo.....
5. Yeh anyay hai bhagwan
4. Bataoo, heeray kahan hai.
3. Tum may-re liye mar chuke ho.
2. Police meeray peechay lagi hui hai.
And the number one statement is .....
1. Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon.
- Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain
- lo...muh meetha kar lo
- mein yeh shaadi nahin hone doongi
- aaj pinky ka janam din hai
- yeh aap kya kah rahen hai, bhai sahib
- Bhaiya !!!!!!!!!!
- Ma, tum kitni achchi ho
- Aaj mein bahut khush hoon (usually to be followed by a tragicturn of events)
- arre isse to tez bukhar hai
- Nikal jaa mere ghar say...
- Hatoe naa, log kiya kahengay
- khabardaar joe mujhay haat bhee lagaya
and the best:
- tumne apni ma ka dudh piya hai to ...
- gurkha, ise dhakke maarke bahar nikal do.
- Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya..
- Ab tumari maa hamare kabze main hai
- Pulis ko tum jaise naujawanon par naaz hai
- Driver, gaadi roko
- Tum jaise gandi naali ke keede....
- Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta"
- aur ye bechari begunnah hai. That's all, your honor
- tazeerat-e-hind , dafa 302 ke tahat, mulzim ko maut ki sazasunai jaati hai.
- Mulzim ko Baa izzat bari kiya jata hai
- Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe
- (hero/heroine opening their eyes on a hospital bed) Main kahan hun?
- Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha?
- "Maa main first class first pass ho gaya hu" followed by the jug jug jiyo beta
- "Yeh sauda thumhe bahut mehenga padega" ??
- Bhagwan, maine aaj tak tumse kuch nahin manga, aaj pahli baarkuch maang........
- KANOON KE HAATH BAHUT LUMBE HOTE HAIN
- Aey jee! Aap bade woh haiN!
Award winning joke
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian ........
Banta Strikes Back!!!
Banta Singh walks into a bar in Ludhiana & orders
three glasses of Beer and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada, and I'm here in Ludhiana. When they left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
Banta Singh becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the sameway. He orders three Beers and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Banta Singh looks confused for a moment, then alight dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive".
"Only thing is ---- I've just quit drinking"!!!!!!
Banta Strikes Back!!!
Banta Singh walks into a bar in Ludhiana & orders
three glasses of Beer and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada, and I'm here in Ludhiana. When they left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
Banta Singh becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the sameway. He orders three Beers and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Banta Singh looks confused for a moment, then alight dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive".
"Only thing is ---- I've just quit drinking"!!!!!!
Amitabh as driver
This is when Amitabh Bachan got fit after his long ilness.....
one fine morning he told his drvier "Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge.., tum peechhe baito".driver, "Par saab aapki tabyat?.."
amitabh "Aree meri tabyat thik ho gayi he, I am fit and fine...kya dance karke dikhau, dialogue, fighting kare dikhau.....Hain"
Ok then he starts driving the car very fast....zoooooooooom
breaks one red signal...
breaks second red signal....
breaks on more red signal...
Then a traffic hawaldar stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the road..
Tells the driver to come out... "Chalo liscence dikhao,puc, gaadi ke kagjaaat..."
Sees amitabh "are Amitabh Bachhan?!!!" he is verysuprised to see him....
Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior officers....
"Sir, aap jaldi yaha aye naake par..."
Sir"KYun kya hua??"
Havaldar:"Sir ek gaadi ne signal toda he aur maine us gaadi ko side me rakha he"
Sir: "To phir?"
hawaldar:"SIr, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi he sir .... mein uska challan nahi phaad sakta aap khud yaha aiye .., ho sake to SSP ko bhee layen"
Sir"KON MAALIK HE US GAADI KA??"
HAWALDAR : "WOH TO PATA NAHI SIR PAR USNE NE HE NA SIR ... AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HE....".
Share and Equity market...short story
Once upon a time in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for 50."
The villagers queued up with all their saving to buy the monkeys.
Phir na woh aadmi mila na us ka assistant........... Sirf bandar hee bandar.....rah gaye..
Arjun Singh Jokes
Here are some Arjun singh jokes to make you smile:
WHAT IS AN ARJUN SINGH SALE ?Ans 49.5% off.
WHICH IS ARJUN SINGH'S FAVOURITE CITY ?
Ans Kota
WHY DOESN'T ARJUN SINGH HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS?
Ans Because he's 'reserved' by nature .
WHY DID ARJUN SINGH LEARN ARABIC?
Ans So that he could read 'backwards'.
ARJUN SINGH WAS MADE THE LAW MINISTER. HE ZAPPED EVERYONE BY CREATING ANOTHER SUPREME COURT. HE CALLED IT THE SUPREME TRIBUNAL. WHAT WAS HIS LOGIC?
Ans For every SC, there should be an ST .
IF ARJUN SINGH WERE TO MAKE A CAREER IN FILMS, WHICH JOB WOULD HE OPT FOR?
Ans Choosing the caste .
IF ARJUN SINGH OWNED A MOVIE THEATER, WHAT WOULD THE BALCONY BE CALLED?
Ans Backward Class
IF ARJUN SINGH WERE A HISTORIAN, HOW WOULD HE DIVIDE TIME?
Ans AD, BC & OBC.
Oldies having fun
Q: What did the lonely banana say?
A: I'm a"kela".
Q: What did the green peas say?A: I'm a"kela".
A: Nothing. They just "mutter"ed.
Q: What did the potato say when it answered the phone ?
A: "Aaloo?"
Q: Where do cauliflowers hang out?
A: In the Gobi desert.
Q: What did the flower say to its girl-friend?
A: Why do phools fall in love?
Q: What did the fat car say?
A: I'm a mota car.
Q: What did the confused egg say?
A: I don't unda-stand.
Q: Where do earrings go on holiday?
A: Bali
Q: What do shrimps sing on Christmas?
A: Jhinga Bells.
Q: What did the half eaten naan say?
A: I wish I was puri.
Q: What did the lonely potato sing?
A: "Aaloo lonesome tonight?"
Q: What language do carrots speak?
A: Gajar-ati.
Q: What do you call a bald poet?
A: Ik-bal.
Dis da funkiest...
Q: What did the first pizza slice say to the other pizza slice so it
would move?
A: Pizza - "HUT"
Some Pakistani cricket jokes
What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Pakistani Innings.
*The entire Pakistani Innings.
Where do Pakistani batsmen perform there best?
In Advertisements.
*
When would Rana-Naveed have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.
*
What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Pakistani batsmen?
The walk back to the pavilion.
*
How to increase the chances of Pakistani batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?
Try giving them two overs to begin with, then try three and so on.
*
What is the Pakistani version of a hat-trick?
3 runs in 3 balls
*
What is the height of optimism ?
Inzi coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.
*
Phone Call for Inzi:
Pakistan Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone)
Wife :"Can I talk to Inzi, this is his wife."
Pakistan Team Manager:"Sorry, he is just going to bat"
Wife:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"
Broken English
Here are the common lingo used by most Indian students and Teachers who get caught in the vortex of anglias speaking. Some of them were actually spoken by our lab assistants back in India. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I talk, he talk; Why do you middle middle talk? (beech, beech = middle, middle) "Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside" "Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body" " Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in " " Why are you naat filupping the blanks ? " Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter continue her studies or get her married : " Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu marry her, then marry her ." Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams : " Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations " " Don't talk like that in front of my back " ""Dont stand in front of my back" " Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying . No shock. " " Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A. " "Repeat again please!" "Mistake became wrong!" Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet? Pliss, close the fan! He/she's my cousin brother/sister He/she's my co-brother/sister Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding. Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with? naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils An instructor explaining the working of pendulum: " Take an elephant of negligible weight" heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating It's so hot! Please on the fan no. Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution of sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. " A gardener scolding three kids : " Both of u three, don't under-stand the tree "!! "Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in " Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - " This is not 'parvadable' " !!! "Issac New Ton is great scientist. In India, apple falls on head and he go back to invent Gravity. He is friend and follower of Mahatma Gandhi in fight for freedom.There is a statue to him with long coat and long hair. He great "A cow has 2 horns with sharp points and Bull between tham. It has 4 legs and stands on its own feet". It ended with a touch of logic, "A cow gives milk which we drink. Therefore, it is our mother." "You three, both of you kneel down together separately" "There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)" "Run with the fence" (alongside) "Look at the line on your back" (falling in line) "Apply Apply, No reply" (common one) "Why aren't you kneel downing?" Look at the climate man, it's too hot to play. ^^^^^^^ If you talk, I'll kneel down (Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he meant) Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...) The principal just passed away. Who took out the breeze of my cykill. Meet me behind the class (meant after the class). My cykill is understanding the tree. Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"! Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"! Morning morning why you rotate my head" ? (a direct translation from the Marathi equivalent!) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just wanted to add this. The incidents listed below are ACTUAL incidents and not made up when I was doing my B.E. @ Siddaganga Institute of Tech., Tumkur affliated to Banglore University. 1. We had a Civil professor (the intellectual level is shown by this) who used to say "Open the doors of the windows and let the atmosphere come in" 2. We used to have a metal workshop where you'd make metal cuttings using chisel, files etc to a specific design. The instructor (who was just a technician) when he noticed some was using the "filing tool" to fast he would walk up them and say in a very quick paced manner " File, File, File, File ..N0!" and then change his tone to a much slower pace and say "File.....File......File...." meaning that don't file too quick, but slowly..
Bholas Moms Letter
Pyaaaray Lal, I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetary. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty. Your Uncle Herolal fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn' get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom
About Desi
Q. How do desis in states have fun ?
A. Read technical books
Q. What do you call it when a desi tries to imitate an American ?
A. Artificial Intelligence
Q. What does a desi's intelligence say to his man-hood ?
A. You are a fictious character.
Q. Why do desis go to a bar ?
A. To stand in a corner and look at the blondes on the sly.
Q. Why is it good to have a desi friend ?
A. You can get your assignments done.
Q. What is a desi's favorite rhyme ?
A. Earn money. look funny. (like a zombie, having spent a lifetime
in the lab)
Q. How do you make a desi's eyes light up ?
A. Wave a dollar bill on his face.
Q. What is a desi's most exciting part of life ?
A. Doing an assignment for a girl.
Q. Why do desis drink a can of beer ?
A. so they could get high.
Q. Why do desis wear underwears ?
A. Because they could have wet dreams.
Q. What do desis do for lovemaking ?
A. Read penthouse.
Q. What do you call a desi between two blondes ?
A. A misfit.
Q. What do you call a desi's brain ?
A. A conundrum.
Q. How does a Professor change a desi's mind ?
A. Offer a RA.
Q. Why do desis like spicy food ?
A. To avoid constipation.
Q. Why do desis wear goggles ?
A. To look at blondes
Q. What do desis mean by fun ?
A. sighting blondes sitting in a car with sun glass doors.
Q. What do you call a desi gathering ?
A. Techinical conference.
Q. When does a desi smile ?
A. After seeing his pay check.
Q. When do desis go to the temple ?
A. Just before the finals week.
Q. Why is Cinemax's (cable) Friday after dark so successful ?
A1. Because, all desis watch it.
Q. Why does warner cable show X rated movies ?
A. Because desi's won't pay otherwise.
Q. Why are blue films made ?
A. So desis know what sex is all about.
Q. Why do desis drown in a swimming pool ?
A. Because they have pot bellies.
Q. What does a desi do on a date ?
A. Bore the hell out of the girl's mind by talking about his
assignments and how he solved the problems.
Q. What is a desi's most exciting night ?
A. Sitting alone in the lab and reading Alt.sex
Q. How can you punish a desi ?
A. Ask him to talk to a girl without offerring to do her assignment.
Q. Why don't desis wish other desis ?
A. Because, they are scared the other might ask for a quarter.
Q. How do you confuse a desi ?
A. Ask him questions about sexuality.
Q. What is the desi's chronic speech impediment ?
A. His accent.
Q. What do you call a desi who says he dated a blonde ?
A. A braggart.
Q. What do you call a desi girl who isn't beautiful yet stupid ?
A. Piddle shit
Q. How do you identify a stupid desi ?
A. Give him some money and see if he doesn't look gratified.
Q. How does one desi confront the other ?
A. By playing chess.
Q. How does a desi measure his perseverance & stamina ?
A. Watch all the X-rated movies shown on a friday night and still
feel no sexual urges.
Q. How does a desi confuse another desi ?
A. Speak with an american accent.
Q. What are desis famous for floating in the swimming pool ?
A. Because of their strikingly prominent tummies.
Q. How do you excite a desi ?
A. Give him a book about the Theory of Relativity.
Q. Why are desis cockeyed ?
A. Because, they never look at a blonde straight.
Q. How do you describe a desi ?
A. A short zombie who looks intimidated.
Q. Who do you call a smart desi ?
A1. One who can drink two cans of beer and still walk straight.
Q. What is a desi's philosophy of life ?
A. Eat, sleep and study.
Q. Why are desis immune to STDs ?
A. Because they never have sex.
Q. Why does a desi buy a condom ?
A. To add to his collector's items.
Q. How does a desi bragg ?
A. Tell fellow desis that a blonde smiled at him.
Q. What is the difference between a priest/nun and a desi ?
A. The latter has no choice but to stay a virgin.
Q. What do you call a stupid desi ?
A. A techinical fault.
Top Ten ABCD (Anerican Born Confused Desi) Jokes
10. You think most Indian teenagers are pure and chaste.
9. You think everyone in the world knows about the O.J. Simpson case.
8. You can't believe the world wide web exists in India. You can't believe
Delhi has had phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you
get here for the past three years and you can't believe there have been ATM
(like MAC) machines in Indian cities for more than 7 years.
7. You like Broccoli.
6. You find cricket to be boring but watch golf, bowling or curling on TV.
5. You express sarcasm with "Yeah, right."
4. When you see anyone at all pass by you on the road, you greet them with a
"Howz it goin", "Whassup" or "How you doin" and keep walking on.
3. You say "interesting" when either you don't care or think it is weird.
2. You refer to India as a Third World Country.
1. You understood, enjoyed and could relate to every joke in the Humor Page.
Sardar Jokes !!!
2 sardaron ko 2 bomb mile,
1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.
2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?
1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha
Sardar and Police
Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.
Doctor And Sardar .
Sardar 2 doctr: Mujhe 1 problem hai
DR: Kya?
Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta
Dr: aisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt
Sardar and Home
Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun
Sardar and pray
A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
"He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade."
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,"Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le"
The real
Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha,
kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun?
Sardar bola, Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega
Sardar and Hitler
Hitler says,
"There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary"
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? "Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na"
Sardarand Computer
Sardar: Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.
Two Sardars
1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda soo hi jaye
1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya .
1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!
Sardar: Mere uper se jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?
Sardar and Practical
In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don't know.
Examiner: You r failed, what's your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name
1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.
2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?
1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha
Sardar and Police
Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.
Doctor And Sardar .
Sardar 2 doctr: Mujhe 1 problem hai
DR: Kya?
Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta
Dr: aisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt
Sardar and Home
Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun
Sardar and pray
A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
"He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade."
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,"Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le"
The real
Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha,
kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun?
Sardar bola, Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega
Sardar and Hitler
Hitler says,
"There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary"
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? "Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na"
Sardarand Computer
Sardar: Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.
Two Sardars
1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda soo hi jaye
1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya .
1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!
Sardar: Mere uper se jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?
Sardar and Practical
In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don't know.
Examiner: You r failed, what's your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name
Ray is Gay.
He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for'.
School Tests
A young boy comes home from school & his mother says "What did you do today?"
To which the boy answers, "Oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
The mother , aghast, doesn't know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says "go in & tell your father what you just told me!"
The boy goes into see his father & says, "Mom sure is mad."
The father says, "Why?"
"I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my Science teacher."
Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says, "Congratulations -- you passed a milestone. I tell you what --let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then I'll buy you a new bike."
To which the boy says, "The ice cream sounds great Dad, but let's hold off on the bike a few days -- my ass is killing me."
To which the boy answers, "Oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
The mother , aghast, doesn't know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says "go in & tell your father what you just told me!"
The boy goes into see his father & says, "Mom sure is mad."
The father says, "Why?"
"I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my Science teacher."
Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says, "Congratulations -- you passed a milestone. I tell you what --let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then I'll buy you a new bike."
To which the boy says, "The ice cream sounds great Dad, but let's hold off on the bike a few days -- my ass is killing me."
Wedding Night
A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife "Wow, I never realized you had such big breasts."
The wife gets all upset and throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall.
"What happened?" asks the first man.
"Well" replies the other, "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was 'Wow, I didn't realize you had such a big Butt...' then she threw me out."
Just then Banta comes storming out into the hall.
"Hey" says the second guy, "Did you put your foot in it as well?"
"No," says Banta, "But I bloody well could have."
The wife gets all upset and throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall.
"What happened?" asks the first man.
"Well" replies the other, "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was 'Wow, I didn't realize you had such a big Butt...' then she threw me out."
Just then Banta comes storming out into the hall.
"Hey" says the second guy, "Did you put your foot in it as well?"
"No," says Banta, "But I bloody well could have."
Best Lover!
Banta was feeling particularly horny so he went to a call girl on the street and asked, "How much do you charge?"
The call girl said, "500 bucks for the evening."
Banta said, "Well, if I pay you 500 bucks, you will have to do it under my rules."
The call girl said, "That's fine."
So Banta took her home and told her that they would close all the blinds and do it in the pitch dark.
The call girl turned to him and said, "Honey, its your money, so whatever you want is fine."
They had sex, and Banta told her to wait 10 minutes before they were to do it again. Then 10 minutes later, they did it again. After 6 times, he seemed to be getting stronger and stronger.
"Banta, you are the best lover I have ever had," she said.
Then the man said, "Lady, I am not Banta, he is outside selling your ass to all his friends for 200 bucks a pop."
The call girl said, "500 bucks for the evening."
Banta said, "Well, if I pay you 500 bucks, you will have to do it under my rules."
The call girl said, "That's fine."
So Banta took her home and told her that they would close all the blinds and do it in the pitch dark.
The call girl turned to him and said, "Honey, its your money, so whatever you want is fine."
They had sex, and Banta told her to wait 10 minutes before they were to do it again. Then 10 minutes later, they did it again. After 6 times, he seemed to be getting stronger and stronger.
"Banta, you are the best lover I have ever had," she said.
Then the man said, "Lady, I am not Banta, he is outside selling your ass to all his friends for 200 bucks a pop."
Fill in the Blank
Santa and son, Pappu, were always in competition with each other. One day Pappu left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked Santa.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the blank' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 70%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," he replied.
"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," Santa said. So off to the university he went. A week later Santa returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked Pappu.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the blank' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one."
"Which question was that?"
"The question was...", started Santa, "What do you do when you come across a woman which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", Pappu replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell," said Santa," I got that one wrong as well."
"How was the exam?" asked Santa.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the blank' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 70%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," he replied.
"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," Santa said. So off to the university he went. A week later Santa returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked Pappu.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the blank' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one."
"Which question was that?"
"The question was...", started Santa, "What do you do when you come across a woman which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", Pappu replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell," said Santa," I got that one wrong as well."
Sex Shop!
Banta went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him.
Sales girl, "Can I help you, Sir?"
Banta, "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
Sales girl, "What size do you need, Sir?"
Banta, "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."
Sales girl, "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"
As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:
"Give me a SMALL one..."
"Wait! Small won’t do give me a MEDIUM one..."
"Wait! I think he needs a LARGE one."
"Shit! First give first a TISSUE."
Sales girl, "Can I help you, Sir?"
Banta, "Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
Sales girl, "What size do you need, Sir?"
Banta, "I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need."
Sales girl, "May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"
As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:
"Give me a SMALL one..."
"Wait! Small won’t do give me a MEDIUM one..."
"Wait! I think he needs a LARGE one."
"Shit! First give first a TISSUE."
Sexual Advice
Santa was having trouble satisfying his wife, Jeeto, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice.
"Listen," said the inept Santa, "I know you always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
"Oh, that ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doing that and they come every time."
Santa went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his friend said.
After a while he asked Jeeto, "Honey, do you notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like your black friend!"
"Listen," said the inept Santa, "I know you always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
"Oh, that ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doing that and they come every time."
Santa went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his friend said.
After a while he asked Jeeto, "Honey, do you notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like your black friend!"
Big Cock
A couple is out for a drive one day and the husband is behind the wheel.
As he's driving, he's complaining about everything..... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, the bad drivers in the country, etc etc, ... and he's driving his wife crazy at the same time with his depressing talk.
So his wife says to him, "One more complaint and I'll cut your dick off with my knife......"
That got his attention, so he stopped. But about half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices off his penis and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple's car is a family of Santa. The penis suddenly lands on their car's windscreen leaving Santa in an absolute panic, as he doesn't want his son, Pappu, to see it. So he puts the windshield wipers on to get the dick off and out of his daughter's view.
Pappu asks, "Daddy, what was that?"
Santa, still in a panic, replies, "Oh it was only a...uh...butterfly my son."
Papu says, "Well FUCK ME! Did you see the size of its penis!!!!"
As he's driving, he's complaining about everything..... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, the bad drivers in the country, etc etc, ... and he's driving his wife crazy at the same time with his depressing talk.
So his wife says to him, "One more complaint and I'll cut your dick off with my knife......"
That got his attention, so he stopped. But about half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices off his penis and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple's car is a family of Santa. The penis suddenly lands on their car's windscreen leaving Santa in an absolute panic, as he doesn't want his son, Pappu, to see it. So he puts the windshield wipers on to get the dick off and out of his daughter's view.
Pappu asks, "Daddy, what was that?"
Santa, still in a panic, replies, "Oh it was only a...uh...butterfly my son."
Papu says, "Well FUCK ME! Did you see the size of its penis!!!!"
Pregnant Preeto
Since Preeto is eight months into her pregnancy, Banta has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor Banta curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, Preeto opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out hundred ruppe and gives it to him.
She says, "Awww, you're so depressed, here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens only once. Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."
Banta rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the money back to Preeto and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants five hundred bucks."
Preeto's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him hundred.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor Banta curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, Preeto opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out hundred ruppe and gives it to him.
She says, "Awww, you're so depressed, here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight. But remember that this happens only once. Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."
Banta rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the money back to Preeto and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants five hundred bucks."
Preeto's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him hundred.
Perfect Breasts
Banta was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for Rs 500?"
"Are you nuts?" she replies, and starts to walk away.
He says, "You wouldn't let me do it for even Rs 1,000?"
"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
He says, "How about Rs 10,000?"
The woman thinks about this for a while and says, "You'll pay me Ten thousand to bite my breasts?"
Banta nods.
She reluctantly says, "Let's go to that dark alley over there."
They go to the alley and she takes off her blouse. Banta begins caressing her breasts, kissing them, and fondling them.
Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you going to bite them, or what?"
"Nah," Banta replies. "Too expensive!"
Inefficient Banta
Banta and Preeto got married and left on their honeymoon. All was going well... except in the bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So, when they got back, he went to the doctor and asked for help.
The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex, that way, he'd last longer. The next day, Banta planned on ravishing Preeto when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way.
He pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car.
He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, and imagined his wife naked and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his trousers.
"Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you're doing?"
Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife, Banta kept his eyes closed and replies, "I'm just fixing the axle of my car, officer."
"Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"
The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex, that way, he'd last longer. The next day, Banta planned on ravishing Preeto when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way.
He pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car.
He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, and imagined his wife naked and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his trousers.
"Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you're doing?"
Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife, Banta kept his eyes closed and replies, "I'm just fixing the axle of my car, officer."
"Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"
Foot Doctor
Santa, after having had one too many in a bar, called up the bartender and says, "I want a woman!"
The bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. Santa was so drunk that he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service," states Santa.
She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. Drunken Santa goes in and places his manhood on the exam table.
When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees Santa's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!"
Santa replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
The bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. Santa was so drunk that he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service," states Santa.
She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. Drunken Santa goes in and places his manhood on the exam table.
When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees Santa's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!"
Santa replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
Horse Breeding
Santa had a brown filly and a white filly (female horse under the age of four) and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighboor's Stallion (an adult male horse which is used for breeding) and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son, Pappu, to watch and come in and tell him when the stallion was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said Pappu.
After a while Pappu came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.
"Daddy," said Pappu.
"Yes," replied Santa.
"The stallion just fucked the white filly."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation.
Santa said, "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Pappu, you mustn't use language like that in front of my friends. You should say 'The stallion surprised the white filly'. Now go and watch and tell me when the stallion surprises the brown filly."
Santa went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the stallion surprise the brown filly?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the white filly again!"
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said Pappu.
After a while Pappu came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.
"Daddy," said Pappu.
"Yes," replied Santa.
"The stallion just fucked the white filly."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation.
Santa said, "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Pappu, you mustn't use language like that in front of my friends. You should say 'The stallion surprised the white filly'. Now go and watch and tell me when the stallion surprises the brown filly."
Santa went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the stallion surprise the brown filly?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the white filly again!"
The Patient
Banta, who was in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."
Obviously, his release was denied. Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same.
"I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."
Again, he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and Banta told him.
The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, Banta felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
Banta said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what?"
"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."
"Yes," they said excitedly.
"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"
He said, " I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!
Obviously, his release was denied. Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same.
"I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every damn window in the place."
Again, he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and Banta told him.
The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, Banta felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
Banta said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what?"
"One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed."
"Yes," they said excitedly.
"Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?"
He said, " I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!
Castrated Santa
Santa went to see the local doctor and complained that his wife was having too many little bastards; she was having at least one per year.
He said, "Doc, you gotta help me, I can't get enough welfare or steal enough to feeds them all."
The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told Santa that the book said if his wife was having too many brats, he should remove his right testicle. He then administered anesthesia with a beer bottle and took out his pocketknife and performed the surgery.
Three years later Santa was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. The wise doctor took his book back down and studied the problem.
The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is having too many brats to remove your right testicle, we've done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the left testicle."
Once again he got his beer bottle and his pocketknife and performed surgery.
Three years later, Santa was back complaining the surgery had once again failed. The doctor was quite perplexed and got his book back down.
After several minutes of study he told Santa, "It says here if a man's wife is having too many brats to remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too many brats, remove his left testicle. We've done all that. The next page says if the man's wife still has too many brats after you have removed both testicles, you've done castrated the wrong man!"
He said, "Doc, you gotta help me, I can't get enough welfare or steal enough to feeds them all."
The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told Santa that the book said if his wife was having too many brats, he should remove his right testicle. He then administered anesthesia with a beer bottle and took out his pocketknife and performed the surgery.
Three years later Santa was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. The wise doctor took his book back down and studied the problem.
The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is having too many brats to remove your right testicle, we've done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the left testicle."
Once again he got his beer bottle and his pocketknife and performed surgery.
Three years later, Santa was back complaining the surgery had once again failed. The doctor was quite perplexed and got his book back down.
After several minutes of study he told Santa, "It says here if a man's wife is having too many brats to remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too many brats, remove his left testicle. We've done all that. The next page says if the man's wife still has too many brats after you have removed both testicles, you've done castrated the wrong man!"
Cat n Mouse
One night Santa heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, Santa gained the mouse's confidence with some bread slice and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. Santa, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife, Jeeto, but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said Santa. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried Jeeto. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
Fascinated by what he saw, Santa gained the mouse's confidence with some bread slice and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. Santa, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.
He rushed home and woke up his wife, Jeeto, but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said Santa. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried Jeeto. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
Sex Pills
Banta, suffering from impotence, went to see a specialist. The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food.
Two days later, Banta was at a formal banquet and didn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.
However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but Banta, who began feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn't been served his "special" soup.
"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed. Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."
Two days later, Banta was at a formal banquet and didn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.
However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but Banta, who began feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn't been served his "special" soup.
"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed. Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."
Sex Maniac
"Doctor, I need your help," Preeto says.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband, Banta, just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has he seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly!"
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband, Banta, just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has he seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly!"
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
Losing Virginity
When Santa decided it was time for his son, Pappu, to part with his virginity, he accompanied him to the local brothel and explained Pappu's condition to the madam.
"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice girl to take care of you," she promised. "You just do your part and sure you wear one of these."
With this the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down her thumb by way of instruction.
Pappu parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room number 9. There, a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes. After he'd cum, a frown passed over her face.
"The rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside."
"Oh no, it didn't," Pappu cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's as good as new!"
"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice girl to take care of you," she promised. "You just do your part and sure you wear one of these."
With this the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down her thumb by way of instruction.
Pappu parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room number 9. There, a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes. After he'd cum, a frown passed over her face.
"The rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside."
"Oh no, it didn't," Pappu cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's as good as new!"
Wear Condoms!
A population control program had been introduced in a remote village, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.
Doctor told Santa, who had 4 children in four years, that he absolutely had to wear a condom. Doctor explained that as long as he wore it his wife could not have another baby.
About a month later Santa's wife, Jeeto, came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called Santa in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked Santa why he hadn't worn the condom.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."
Doctor told Santa, who had 4 children in four years, that he absolutely had to wear a condom. Doctor explained that as long as he wore it his wife could not have another baby.
About a month later Santa's wife, Jeeto, came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called Santa in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked Santa why he hadn't worn the condom.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."
Milking Santa
Santa is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. Banta comes in and asks, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain
. Banta: So what happened that is so horrible?
Santa: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my buffalo milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Banta: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So then what happened.?
Santa: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Banta: Again?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So, what did you do then?
Santa: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Banta: So then what did you do?
Santa: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid buffalo knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Banta: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So then what did you do then?
Santa: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
Santa: Some things you just can't explain
. Banta: So what happened that is so horrible?
Santa: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my buffalo milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Banta: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So then what happened.?
Santa: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Banta: Again?
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So, what did you do then?
Santa: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Banta: So then what did you do?
Santa: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid buffalo knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Banta: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Santa: Some things you just can't explain.
Banta: So then what did you do then?
Santa: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
Shooting Birds
Santa was very close to his son, Pappu. They used to go everywhere together including looking for Chicken (slang for prostitute).
One day, Pappu decided to go overseas for higher studies. Santa was very supportive, and before his son left, he told him, "We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."
So Pappu left, and after a month, Santa received the bill from him: Shooting bird - Rs 200).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than Rs 2000. Well, Santa could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.
"Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, Santa received another bill from Pappu. On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - Rs 50
Rifle Repair - Rs 5000
One day, Pappu decided to go overseas for higher studies. Santa was very supportive, and before his son left, he told him, "We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."
So Pappu left, and after a month, Santa received the bill from him: Shooting bird - Rs 200).
Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than Rs 2000. Well, Santa could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.
"Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".
A month later, Santa received another bill from Pappu. On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - Rs 50
Rifle Repair - Rs 5000
Business Partners
These three men went into business together and the first one said, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out Banta, the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said Banta, "but what does it mean?"
"It means that when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out Banta, the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said Banta, "but what does it mean?"
"It means that when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."
Erotic Thoughts
Banta was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.
One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, and then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!
Banta gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're Banta to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"
At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"
One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, and then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!
Banta gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're Banta to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"
At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"
Condom Blues
Newly married Banta and Preeto decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. Preeto did not want to get pregnant and requested Banta to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When Banta went out, Preeto waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
Banta had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one five-rupee coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom.
The shop owner asked him which quality he wanted, "The black condom, lowest quality, is five rupees each. The purple condom, average quality, is 10 rupees each. And the white condom, highest quality, is 20 rupees each.
So Banta took the black condom as he had only five rupees with him.
While Banta was out, a black thief came into the room. Preeto didn't notice and thought that it was Banta. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. Preeto was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When Banta reached the hotel, he found her sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto Preeto, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. Preeto was surprised that Banta was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, Preeto gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
Banta shouted, "You are damn lucky already, 5 rupees more and you would have been PURPLE."
Banta had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one five-rupee coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom.
The shop owner asked him which quality he wanted, "The black condom, lowest quality, is five rupees each. The purple condom, average quality, is 10 rupees each. And the white condom, highest quality, is 20 rupees each.
So Banta took the black condom as he had only five rupees with him.
While Banta was out, a black thief came into the room. Preeto didn't notice and thought that it was Banta. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. Preeto was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When Banta reached the hotel, he found her sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto Preeto, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. Preeto was surprised that Banta was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
A year later, Preeto gave birth to a black baby boy.
When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"
Banta shouted, "You are damn lucky already, 5 rupees more and you would have been PURPLE."
Fat-Head
Santa, his wife, Jeeto, and their seven-year-old son, Pappu, walk into an ice-cream shop.
Santa says, "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."
He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There are really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big car. See that nice big car parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."
Santa says, "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."
He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There are really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big car. See that nice big car parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."
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