Jan 17, 2010
Why American Husbands Listen To Their Wives
Women set to outnumber men at work in America
One person's adversity is often another's opportunity. That's certainly proving to be the case in recession-hit North America. A spurt in firing
Of men and hiring of women has resulted in women now outnumbering men in the Canadian workforce, accounting for 50.9% of the country's 14 million salaried workers.
In the US, too, women now hold 49.8% of that country's 132 million
jobs and are projected to cross the 50% mark by the first quarter of 2010 when the US will - according to President Barack Obama - come out of recession.
American daily USA Today has described this as a historic reversal caused by long-term changes in women's roles and job losses for men during recession.
''Women are gaining the majority of jobs in the few sectors of the economy that are growing,'' the newspaper said. As a matter of fact,
At the current pace, women could even outnumber male workers in
The US by November this year.
Across the border in Canada, there are 160,000 more women in jobs than men, according to The Toronto Star.
Nobody in Canada really noticed when in 2007 women first outnumbered men in the workforce for three months from February to April. But this year, women's dominance in paid employment (50.9%) clearly marks a turning point. This is the first time it has lasted this
Long and the differences have been significantly high.
In the US, gender transformation is particularly visible in local governments' 14.6 million work force. Cities, schools, water
Authorities and other local jurisdictions have cut out 86,000 men
From payrolls during the recession while adding 167,000 women.
The postal service is cutting tens of thousands of unionised, blue
Collar jobs dominated by men while new hires are expanding in Teaching and other fields dominated by college educated women.
But analysts say these figures could be red herrings and that the
historic milestones hold little promise for women in their
Longstanding battle for economic equality.
The Toronto Star said women still make up about 70% of part-time workers and 60% of minimum wage earners in Canada.
"Nearly 40% are in precarious jobs that are poorly paid with little
Or no benefits," it said. And the average full-time female worker
Earns just 71.4 cents for every dollar earned by a man.
In US, the boost has come due to massive job cuts in male-dominated professions such as construction and manufacturing. Through June,
Men lost 74% of the 6.4 million jobs erased since the recession began. Men have lost over 3 million jobs in construction and manufacturing alone.
Labour economist Heidi Hartmann says the change reflects the growing importance of women as wage earners, but it doesn't show full equality. "On average, women work fewer hours than men, hold more part-time jobs and earn 77% of what men make," she said. Men also still dominate higher-paying executive ranks.
GUTS or BALLS...
There is a medical distinction... We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?....In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS = Arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by the wife with a broom in her hand, and having the GUTS to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere tonight?" BALLS = Coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping the wife on the arse and having the BALLS to say: "You're next fatty.".. Son walks into his parents bedroom and finds his dad giving his mum one..His dad laughs and tells him to get out..An hour later, his dad hears a commotion from his sons room..He walks in and finds his son giving his nan one..The dad looks horrified..Son says..not so fucking funny when its your mum is it.. blond girl phones the fire brigade and says 'my house is on Fire'...fireman asks 'how do we get there'..HELLOOOO Blondie replies..'In the Fu*king big Red Truck... A mouse finds a viagra tablet on the floor...eats it..then says ' where's the fu*king pussy now then' Bill and Bob are lying in bed together. When Bill starts rubbing vaseline on his chest, Bob says "what are you doing"?..Bill replys "I read in a gay magazine vaseline stimulates hair growth, I want a hairy chest". Bob says don't be so fu*king stupid, if that was true I'd have a ponytail sticking outta my arse"
January 17th Stolen Jokes
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $+^= yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I
mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, #@*^, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-!@+#=!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. ^$$!^&@s claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Have a good day
Charlie
A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep.
So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.
The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?"
Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?"
The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?"
The three men only smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable.
He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...".
He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.
"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"
"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"
Hampster
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know about the affair, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of all your expenses".
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew off to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means".
The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the distraught wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without".
MAKING YOUR SERVICEMAN FEEL WELCOME
1. Do not call for service until everyone that uses the machine has had a chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best but anytime after 4 pm is fine.
3. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear how desperately you need the machine and ask when it will be back in service.
4. The machine should be practically inaccessible due to boxes of recycled computer paper and cards. Make certain that the lights are off in the room where the machine is located and no one is oin the area that knows how to turn them on. Always have one or two half-cups of coffee lying about.
5. Hide the service history log. Keep making refrence to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
6. Alert all personnel that the serviceman has arrived so that each one can drop by and give their version of what is wrong, and provide suggestions on how to fix it.
7. Have at least eight graduate engineers drop by to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. And one who can keep up a steady stream of chatter is a plus.
9. Wait until there are parts and pieces spread out all over the floor, then ask when the machine will be ready.
10. Wait until the service man is looking at a schematic diagram and then ask him "what that thingamabob is for." After you have his attention, ask again when it will be fixed and mention that "time is money, you know."
11. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him the job should be swell-- it took long enough.
12. Ask the serviceman what the rates are, and then ask for a discount because you are such a good customer.
13. After he is gone, call his supervisor and say the machine is worse now than before. Follow up with a letter and copies to the home office.
14. Follow these rules faithfully and remember the serviceman's motto: "DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU."
15. Computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up if you don't fuck with it.
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $+^= yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I
mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, #@*^, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-!@+#=!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. ^$$!^&@s claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Have a good day
Charlie
A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep.
So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.
The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?"
Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?"
The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?"
The three men only smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable.
He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...".
He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.
"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"
"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"
Hampster
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know about the affair, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of all your expenses".
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew off to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means".
The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the distraught wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without".
MAKING YOUR SERVICEMAN FEEL WELCOME
1. Do not call for service until everyone that uses the machine has had a chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best but anytime after 4 pm is fine.
3. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear how desperately you need the machine and ask when it will be back in service.
4. The machine should be practically inaccessible due to boxes of recycled computer paper and cards. Make certain that the lights are off in the room where the machine is located and no one is oin the area that knows how to turn them on. Always have one or two half-cups of coffee lying about.
5. Hide the service history log. Keep making refrence to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
6. Alert all personnel that the serviceman has arrived so that each one can drop by and give their version of what is wrong, and provide suggestions on how to fix it.
7. Have at least eight graduate engineers drop by to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. And one who can keep up a steady stream of chatter is a plus.
9. Wait until there are parts and pieces spread out all over the floor, then ask when the machine will be ready.
10. Wait until the service man is looking at a schematic diagram and then ask him "what that thingamabob is for." After you have his attention, ask again when it will be fixed and mention that "time is money, you know."
11. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him the job should be swell-- it took long enough.
12. Ask the serviceman what the rates are, and then ask for a discount because you are such a good customer.
13. After he is gone, call his supervisor and say the machine is worse now than before. Follow up with a letter and copies to the home office.
14. Follow these rules faithfully and remember the serviceman's motto: "DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT TO YOU."
15. Computer hardware is like an erect penis: It stays up if you don't fuck with it.
men will try everything
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.
Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit................................. which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!
Two Prostitutes
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00."
Listen to your mom !!!
Careful!!!!
Listen to your Mom!!!
Listen to your Mom!!!
REMEMBER HOW YOUR MOTHER USED SAY:
"SON, YOU SHOULD NEVER PICK UP HITCH-HIKERS,
AND YOU SAID...
"BUT MOM, IT WAS 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE TODAY,
AND SHE LOOKED REALLY HOT...."
"BUT MOM, IT WAS 100 DEGREES OUTSIDE TODAY,
AND SHE LOOKED REALLY HOT...."
AND YOUR MOM SAID...
"Son, I don't give a damn if it was 110 degrees outside,
you should NEVER pick up strangers on the road!!"
"Son, I don't give a damn if it was 110 degrees outside,
you should NEVER pick up strangers on the road!!"
OUT OF YOUR MOM, YOU VEHEMENTLY SAID ..............
"MOM, SHE WAS SO HOT SHE WAS STRIPPING HER CLOTHES OFF TO KEEP COOL,
I FELT EMBARRASSED FOR HER SO I STOPPED ...
SHE WAS THAT HOT.... WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"
AND THENNNNNNNNN, YOUR MOM SAID ...
"SON, LISTEN TO ME, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN HOW HOT SHE WAS,
OR HOW NAKED SHE WAS! ... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO DO, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP RIGHT ON GOING, DAMN IT !!!
IT IS DANGEROUS TO PICK UP PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW.
YOU'RE VERY LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!!!"
"SON, LISTEN TO ME, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN HOW HOT SHE WAS,
OR HOW NAKED SHE WAS! ... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO DO, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP RIGHT ON GOING, DAMN IT !!!
IT IS DANGEROUS TO PICK UP PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW.
YOU'RE VERY LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!!!"
YOU START LISTENING TO YOUR MOM?
Octoberfest !
Do I like Beer?
Do I like to Dance?
Isn't Oktoberfest about beer and dancing?
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OH HELL YES -
I remember Oktoberfest!
Sardar on the plane
Santa Singh gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and gets excited and tense. As soon as he boards the plane, a Boeing 747, he started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat and shouting, 'BOEING!BOEING! ! BOEING!!! BO....'.
The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'
There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks Santa. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE.. .'.
The pilot in the cockpit hears the noise and annoyed by what's goings on, he comes out and shouts, 'BE SILENT!'
There's pin-drop silence every where and everybody looks Santa. He stares at the pilot in silence for a few seconds and then starts shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!OE.. .'.
love's story
Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.
Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.
Love realizing how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.
Love realizing how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
To be a Manager [ IT joke ]
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one handvand a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa,Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."
Advice !
1. Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.
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2. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can carry easily.
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3. Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.
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4. Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly, and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
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5. Don't be afraid to encounter risk. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
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6. Don't be afraid to admit you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us together.
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7. Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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8. Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or future. By living our life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.
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9. Don't take for granted the closest things to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless.
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10. Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
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11. Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
just u decide
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well a s she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple test the he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 Feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Good Lord, Ralph, are you deaf? I said for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !"
Speeding
Ramankutty Nair, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.
He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
Nudist colony bliss
There once was a man who decided he hated his life in the city, and that he was going to live in a nudist colony instead. As he was a respected man, he decided it would be best for him to just say he was moving to New York. After a few months of naked bliss, he got a letter from his mother saying, "Dear son, as I have no recent photos of you, can you please send me the most recent one you have? Love, Mum." Well, the man didn't have any photos of himself that didn't show him naked, so he decided to chop one in half and send just the top half. A few weeks later, he got a letter from his mum saying, "Thanks for the photo, and could you send another to your grandma?" And so he did, BUT...he made a mistake and sent her the wrong half. The man got really upset but then remembered his Granny's poor eyesight, and he decided it would be okay. Two weeks later, he gets a letter back from his Granny saying: "Dear Jerry, I think your photo is great. But you really should change your hairstyle, as it makes your nose look too big."
Worth
Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle. The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out to bring his fallen comrade back.
"You can go," said the Lieutenant," but don't think it will be worth it.
Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away."
"The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.
Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company's trench. The officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend.
"I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded."
"It was worth it, Sir," said the soldier.
"What do you mean by worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. "Your friend is dead."
"Yes Sir," the soldier answered,
"but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say....
"Jim...I knew you'd come."
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Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how u look at it.
Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life........
Little Johnny the Smart Salesman
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"
"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'
Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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