Neat & Clean Dirty Jokes Part-2

Neat and Clean Dirty Jokes-2 

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

 

Sonny's mother held up her hand.

 

"Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

 

The father came home.
As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

 

"But why--" asked the startled father. "

 

Go ahead, Sonny.

 

Tell daddy just what you told me."

 

"Well," Sonny said,
"I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.

 

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A Quality Engineer married an average girl. After 24 months of tough life with her,
Finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law Stating that:
YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS'

 

The smart father-in-law replies

 

"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE."

 

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Think Positive :
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole AND Works Best When Jerked?
A Seatbelt you dirty brain
 
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During sex Jeeto asks repeatedly:
Do you love me, do you really loveme?
Irritated Santa: What the helldo you think, I am doing pushups
 
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Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: The priest pumps her fast and says "Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH
 
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She took off his pants and whispered: Make me feel like a woman.
He smiled, threw the pants at her and said: Go, wash them!
 
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*Sex is.......:
 
*"Duty", if done  with your Wife
 
*"Art", if done with your Lover
 
*"Education", if done  with a Virgin
 
*"Business", if done with a  Prostitute
 
*"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee
 
*"Charity", if done with a Widow &
 
*"Sacrifice", if done with your own Hand

Good Luck? Bad Luck? Who Knows?

There is a Chinese story of an old farmer who had an old horse for tilling his fields. One day the horse escaped into the hills and, when all the farmer's neighbours sympathised with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, 'Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?'
 
A week later the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills and this time the neighbours congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, 'Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?'
 
Then, when the farmer's son was attempted to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, 'Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?'
 
Some weeks later the army marched into the village and forced every able-bodied youth they found there by law to serve in the army. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg they let him off. Now was that good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?

The Cobbler's Haj

 THE COBBLER'S HAJ

It is related that a noted Muslim scholar Abdullah bin Mubarak, had a dream while he was sleeping near the Kaaba. Abdullah bin Mubarak saw two angels' descend from the sky, and start talking to each other.  One of the angels asked the other: "Do you know how many people have come for Hajj this year?" The other angel replied: "Six hundred thousand have come for Hajj." Abdullah bin Mubarak had also gone for Hajj that year. The first angel asked: "How many people's Hajj has been accepted?"  The second replied: "I wonder if anyone's Hajj has been accepted at all."  Abdullah bin Mubarak was grieved to hear that. He thought, "So many people have come from all over the world, crossing so many obstacles like rivers, jungles, mountains, suffered so many hardships, and meeting so many expenses. Would their effort be wasted? Allah does not let anyone's effort go to waste". He had thought only so far when he heard the other angel speak: "There is a cobbler in Damascus. His name is Ali bin al-Mufiq. He could not come for Hajj, but Allah has accepted his intention of Hajj. Not only will he get the reward for Hajj, but because of him, all the Hajjis will be rewarded. When Abdullah bin Mubarak woke up, he decided he would go to Damascus and meet that cobbler whose Hajj intentions carried such a lot of weight. On reaching Damascus, Abdullah bin Mubarak inquired if anyone knew a cobbler named Ali bin al-Mufiq. The town people directed him to a house. When a man appeared from the house Abdullah bin Mubarak greeted him and asked his name. The man replied "Ali bin al-Mufiq". Abdullah bin Mubarak asked: "What do you do for a living?" Ali replied: "I am a cobbler". Then Ali asked the stranger's name that had come looking for him. Abdullah bin Mubarak was a very well-known scholar of Islam, when Abdullah bin Mubarak introduced him self, the cobbler was anxious to find out why such a well known scholar was seeking him out. When Abdullah bin Mubarak asked Ali to tell him if he had made any plans to go for Hajj. Ali replied "For thirty years I have lived in the hope of performing the Hajj. This year I had saved enough to go for Hajj, but Allah did not will it, so I couldn't make my intention translate into action. Abdullah bin Mubarak was eager to find out how could this man's Hajj be accepted and blessed for all the people who went for Hajj that year when he didn't go for Hajj in the first place. While talking to the cobbler he could feel a certain purity in his heart. Islam regards greatness not in wealth or in power, but in civility, in good manners and the goodness of heart. Abdullah bin Mubarak further asked: "why could you not go on Hajj?". In order not to disclose the reason, Ali again replied "it was Allah's will". When Abdullah bin Mubarak persisted, Ali revealed: "Once I went to see my neighbour's house. His family was just sitting down for dinner. Although I was not hungry I thought my neighbour would invite me to sit down for dinner out of courtesy but I could see that my neighbour was grieved about something and wanted to avoid inviting me for dinner. After some hesitation the neighbour told me: "I am sorry I cannot invite you for food. We were without food for three days and I could not bear to see the pain of hunger of my children. I went out looking for food today and found a dead donkey. In my desperation I cut out some meat from the dead animal, and brought it home so that my wife could cook this meat. It is halal (lawful or permitted) for us because of our extreme condition of hunger, but I cannot offer it to you." Ali continued: "On hearing this, my heart bled with tears. I got up and went home, collected the three thousand dinars I had saved for Hajj, and gave my neighbour the money. I too had to go hungry but that was to save money for Hajj, but I thought helping my neighbour during his difficult times was more important. Although I still desire to go for Hajj if Allah wills." Abdullah bin Mubarak was greatly inspired by the cobbler's story and told the cobbler of his dream. God is merciful and shows mercy to those who do likewise to his creatures. This act of compassion on the part of the cobbler was so pleasing to God that it not only earned him the reward of Hajj but was extended to all the people who came for Hajj.

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Nostalgic Photos

These photo's are absolutely priceless.  Enjoy!     Salvador Dali & Walt Disney John Lennon, Yoko Ono and Pierre Elliott Trudeau Mick Jagger, Madonna & Tony Curtis Woody Allen & Michael Jackson Eartha Kitt & James Dean Andy Warhol & Alfred Hitchcock Muhammad Ali & Martin Luther King Jr. Bob Dylan, Neil Young & Eric Clapton Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Barbra Streisand & Sidney Poitier Marlon Brando & Miriam Makeba Pele & Sylvester Stallone Micheal Jackson & Paul McCartney David Bowie, Art Garfunkel, Paul Simon, Yoko Ono, John Lennon & Roberta Flack Salvador Dali & Coco Chanel Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman & Liam Neeson Akira Kurosawa, Sydney Pollack, Barbra Streisand & John Huston Claire Danes, Giancarlo Giammetti, Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Valentino & Anne Hathaway Jack Nicholson, Lauren Baccall & Warren Beatty Alain Delon, Brigitte Bardot & Eddie Barclay Madre Teresa & Princess Diana Charlie Chaplin & Albert Einstein Ringo Starr & David Bowie Audrey Hepburn & Fred Astaire Audrey Hepburn & Grace Kelly Elvis Presley, Joe Esposito, Frank Sinatra & Fred Astaire Michael Jackson, Francis Ford Coppola & George Lucas Paul Newman & Robert Redford Sophia Loren & Jane Mansfield (What are you looking at, Sophia??) Julie Andrews & Audrey Hepburn The Beatles & Little Richard Arnold Schwarzenegger & Shaquille O’Neal John Travolta & Sylvester Stallone Mick Jagger & Bruce Springsteen Dean Martin, Shirley MacLaine & Elvis Presley Danny DeVito & Christopher Reeve Salvador Dali & Raquel Welch Brigitte Bardot & Pablo Picasso Sean Connery & Brigitte Bardot David Bowie & Elizabeth Taylor Federico Fellini, Marcello Mastroianni & Sophia Loren Vivien Leigh & Ringo Starr Ella Fitzgerald & Marilyn Monroe Robert Downey Jr. & Johnny Depp Elizabeth Taylor & Princess Diana

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