Jan 14, 2010
The Bull & The Bear
Once upon a time there lived a bear in a cave deep in the woods. Nearby was a meadow in which a farmer kept his cattle -- and one large, ferocious-looking bull. Each day the bear hid at the edge of the woods, watching the bull.
The bear was known as the strongest, most fierce creature for miles around. No other beast in the forest dared to tangle with him. As the bear watched the bull peacefully gazing, he wondered which one of them would win a test of strength. He thought about this for many days. Then one morning he decided to challenge the bull to a fight to the finish.
The bull had just chomped down on a fresh clump of clover when he looked up and saw the bear barreling across the meadow toward him. He stopped chewing. The red flag of danger popped up in his head. The bear skidded to a halt in front of him.
The bull lowered his head menacingly, his sharp horns aimed right for the bear's throat. For long moments they stood in place -- eyeball to eyeball -- neither one of them moving. Finally the bull grew tired of the stare-down and asked, "What do you want, Bear?"
"I want to fight you," growled the bear.
"Why?" asked the bull.
"Because, I want to prove that I am a stronger and better fighter than you are."
The bull laughed. "I thought you really wanted something. You can't possibly win against me. I have sharp horns that can cause terrible injuries."
"And my claws are sharp and quick," the bear shot back. "I have defeated many an enemy -- anyone who would harm my cubs or take away my mate. I am the king of the forest!"
"Then go back to the forest," the bull bluntly advised. "This is the meadow."
The bear blinked in surprise. "I beg your pardon..."
"I mean, what's the point of me fighting with you?" the bull asked. "What would that prove? We are not enemies. I have not harmed your cubs or taken your mate."
"It would prove that I am the strongest."
"Okay," said the bull, smiling. "I'll buy that. You are strongest. Now leave and let me graze in peace."
"Just one cotton-pickin' minute. What do you mean by that?" The bear raised a club-like paw. "I will tear you to shreds. Defend yourself."
"What you do is up to you," the bull answered calmly. "But if you do, what will all your friends -- the ones who are watching us right now -- think about you?"
"They will think that I am the strongest," yelled the frustrated bear.
"I don't think so. I do not choose to fight you just because you choose to fight with me. I would only fight to defend one of the cows in my care. If you attack one of them, then I'd be obliged to give you a good lashing."
"I can't attack them," protested the bear. "They can't fight back. There would be no victory to it."
"Exactly," answered the bull. "But what if you did? And what if I should try to defend them? What if something should happen to me? Who would protect them then? You? Would you trust me to protect your cubs if something happened to you? What would happen to your family if you lose the fight?"
"I never thought of that," said the bear.
"Go back into the woods, Bear," said the bull as he turned to walk away. "Live in peace. And I will stay in the meadow and do the same."
The bear turned toward the woods. He had come spoiling for a fight -- to prove which one was the strongest.
But he had learned an important lesson from a very wise bull. In peace, there are no losers.
dog
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... "Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
50 More Facts
1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
2. A raisin dropped in a glass of freshchampagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casin0s.
13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
20. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321.
28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.
41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.
42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka.
46. There are more chickens than people in the world.
47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.
48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "s ub c ont in ent al".
50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.
DUBAI IS GROWING TOO FAST
Dubai is home to 1.422 million people with over 292,000 new residents adding up to its demographics structure in 2006. Out of the total 1.422 million in population, 75.5 per cent are male and 24.5 per cent are female.
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A total of 212,867 vehicles were registered, including 170,951 light vehicles, 5,256 buses, 16,304 light trucks, 8,287 heavy trucks, 312 heavy mechanical vehicles and 3,498 motorcycles, according to statistics released by Dubai Municipality.
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A total of 2,222 buildings were completed at a cost of AED11.16 billion last year as against 2,252 buildings at the cost of AED7.87 billion in 2005.
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As many as 5,640 land deals worth AED65.114 billion were carried out during the year, up from 4,880 land deals worth AED32.62 billion were recorded in 2005.
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The number of mobile phones increased 20.6 per cent. There were more than 2.21 million mobile telephone lines by the end of the year compared to 1.83 million lines in 2005.
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The landlines and fax lines reached 547,375 compared to 520,249 in 2005. The public transport buses in Dubai carried 87.840 million passengers compared to 84.26 million in 2005.
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A record number of 12,385 babies were born in government hospitals, of which 6,292 were males and 6,039 females. Dubai recorded 2,663 marriages in addition to 908 divorces.
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A total of 28.789 million passengers used the Dubai International Airport compared with 24.782 million in 2005. A total of 35,380 vessels called at Dubai ports, an increase of two per cent over the previous year.
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Dubai has 220 schools during the academic year 2006-07. Out of this, 88 are government schools and 132 are in the private sector. During 2006, 11,536 new licenses were issued, including 8,585 were trade licenses, 1,998 were professional licenses, 194 industrial licenses.
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The total number of stocks traded on the Dubai Financial Market in 2006 was 39.644 billion, worth AED347.98 billion compared to 25.54 billion shares worth AED405.16 billion in 2005.
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Dubai imported goods worth AED219.871 billion during 2006, while the export figures stood at AED18.258 billion and the re-export figures were AED78.309 billion. The free zones imported goods worth AED122.763 billion and exported goods worth AED84.323 billion in 2006.
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Dubai hosted as many as 88 exhibitions and conferences attracting a total of 984,638 visitors and delegates. Dubai also hosted 23 conferences which were attended by 52,660 delegates.
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The electricity produced last year rose to 20,314 gigawatt hours and the number of consumer connections reached 339,900. Quantity of water production stands at 68,312 million gallons.
Some Interesting Facts
Here are some interesting, but true facts, that you may or may not have known.
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The Statue of Liberty's index finger is eight feet long
Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile
A 75 year old person will have slept about 23 years.
A boeing 747's wing span is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.(the Wright brother's invented the airplane)
There are as many chickens on earth as there are humans.
One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny
The word "set" has the most number of definitions in the English language;192
Slugs have four noses
Sharks can live up to 100 years
Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.
Kangaroos can't walk backwards
About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in in the U.S. everyday
The largest recorded snowflake was 15in wide and 8in thick. It fell in Montana in 1887
The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.
Former president Bill Clinton only sent 2 emails in his entire 8 year presidency
Koalas and humans are the only animals that have finger prints
There are 200,000,000 insects for every one human
It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery had in it to begin with.
The world's largest Montessori school is in India, with 26,312 students in 2002
Octopus have three hearts
If you ate too many carrots, you'd turn orange
The average person spends two weeks waiting for a traffic light to change.
1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116orold
The body has 2-3 million sweat glands
Sperm whales have the biggest brains; 20 lbs
Tiger shark embroyos fight each other in their mother's womb. The survivor is born.
Most cats are left pawed
250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa
A Blue whale's tongue weighs more than an elephant
You use 14 muscles to smile and 43 to frown. Keep Smiling!
Bamboo can grow up to 3 ft in 24 hours
An eyeball weighs about 1 ounce
Bone is five times stronger than steel.
Lucky guy
A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the bartender.
"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks; like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made …. All night, all over the house. We did everything;!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...never found the head."
THE OLD MOTOR
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
'Thisis amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!'
EASY ....... DIFFICULT
Easy is to get a place is someone's address book.
Difficult is to get a place in someone's heart.
Easy is to judge the mistakes of others
Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes
Easy is to talk without thinking
Difficult is to refrain the tongue
Easy is to hurt someone who loves us.
Difficult is to heal the wound...
Easy is to forgive others
Difficult is to ask for forgiveness
Easy is to set rules.
Difficult is to follow them...
Easy is to dream every night.
Difficult is to fight for a dream...
Easy is to show victory.
Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity...
Easy is to admire a full moon.
Difficult to see the other side...
Easy is to stumble with a stone.
Difficult is to get up...
Easy is to enjoy life every day.
Difficult to give its real value...
Easy is to promise something to someone.
Difficult is to fulfill that promise...
Easy is to say we love.
Difficult is to show it every day...
Easy is to criticize others.
Difficult is to improve oneself...
Easy is to make mistakes.
Difficult is to learn from them...
Easy is to weep for a lost love.
Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it.
Easy is to think about improving.
Difficult is to stop thinking it and put it into action...
Easy is to think bad of others
Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt...
Easy is to receive
Difficult is to give
Easy to read this
Difficult to follow
Easy is keep the friendship with words
Difficult is to keep it with meanings.
Your wife's rating to your Actions
How to take care of your wife:
In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- In the rain (+8)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-- It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)
HER BIRTHDAY
-- You take her out to dinner (0)
-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-- And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- In the rain (+8)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-- It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)
HER BIRTHDAY
-- You take her out to dinner (0)
-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-- And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Old Sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'.
The Blonde Handyman
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder and anything else she might need was in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You re finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
GRANDPA AND THE IRS....
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye. The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
Cracked Pot
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a Pole Which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and Always Delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot Arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only One and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable That it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the Woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak Out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side Of The path, but not on the other pot's side?"
"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower Seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water Them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate The table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to Grace the house."
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Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each Have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good In them.
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SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell The flowers on your side of the path!
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January 14th Stolen Jokes
'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.' Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom. 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'.
'Africans, any Africans on board?' No one answers
'Ok then, 'B'. Black people, any black people?' Again, silence.
'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board? Silence.
A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. 'But Mom, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'
'Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let Dem , Mexicans, and Muslims go first.'
You know you're real lonely when you practice yoga so you can give yourself head.
In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off." (Conan O'Brien)
If you're into bestiality, I recommend deer, because you get the most bang for your buck. (Kim Moser from Ruminations)
I explained to the proctologist that my wife and I were making love on the couch and the channel changer just got in the way, but he said the odds were pretty remote. (Jerry Embry)
"I hear you went fishing with your girl last week." "Yes, that's right." "Catch anything?" "Don't know yet."
I don't need cyber-sex. Windows goes down on me all the time!
Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours later -- does that give him the right to go running to the emergency room asking to see the head nurse?
"THINGS WOMEN DO THAT DRIVE MEN INSANE"
by Xebot
I hate it when my girlfriend gets PMS. To me, PMS stands for "Pack My Suitcase."
My girlfriend leaves hair all over my sink and bathtub. I step out of the house for an hour, and when I come back, my bathroom looks like a nativity scene. What is she DOING in there? Running an Arabian carwash? For 10 bucks, your camel gets to sit in my sink for an hour?
Women are always late. I show up on time, and she keeps me waiting for 30 minutes. Here I am, trying to make small-talk with her room mate, who is a shoe-in for the lead in "The Glass Menagerie." I always try to break something, just to show that I've read the play.
You see, women aren't actually DOING anything for those 30 minutes, it's just their way of showing you who's really in charge. Once I was five-minutes late. My girlfriend answered the door, fully dressed and holding her purse. She asked, "Where have you been?
I've been waiting and waiting!" I said, "Let's go." She said, "Gimme 30 minutes -- and don't break anything."
Why do women paint their toenails? Because, although they can't keep their boyfriends waiting forever, this will at least add another 30 minutes.
Why do women always sound like they want to move in next door to you?
Every girl I date seems to ask the same questions when she visits my
apartment: "How much do you pay for rent? Do they have any vacancies? Do they have a room with a view . . . like, of your front door?"
I hate breast implants. It's hard to get excited about a nipple filled with 10W-40. I just don't care for the smell of Volkswagen in the morning.
When my girlfriend gets upset, she runs into the bathroom, and locks the door. I try to be mature and just wait her out; so I drink a couple of beers, then pee on her cat.
Aspiring psychiatrists
The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Iowa, "What is the opposite of Joy?"
"Sadness," said the U Iowa student.
"And the opposite of Depression?" He asked a young lady from Northwestern University.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of Woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be absolved of your sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail.
There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement?"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."
Five Short Stories For Men
ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."
TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me.
THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and
yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If
you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That
would hurt too much'."
FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why
and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
FIVE
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and
said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on
all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over
and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after
that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."
TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me.
THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and
yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If
you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That
would hurt too much'."
FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why
and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
FIVE
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and
said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on
all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over
and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after
that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
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