What Makes South Africans, South Africans?
Barack Obama was sitting in his office wondering which country to stop Invading next, when his telephone rang.
"Howzit, Barack!" a voice in an Afrikaans accent said. "This is Koos Vannermerwe here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom , South Africa I am Ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you,boet!"
"Well, Koos," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, My cousin Jan, my next-door neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire Jukskei team from the pub. That makes eight of us!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million men in my Army waiting to move on my command."
"Blikkiesfontein!" said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again.
"Barack, my China, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some Infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Barack asked.
"Well, we have four Hilux double-cabs, two kombis, an old Case Bulldozer, and Vet Gert's John Deere tractor".
Barack sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1,5 Million since we last spoke."
"Liewe erdvark!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you..."
Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day.
"Barack, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves Airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns In the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia Hengelklub have joined Us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell You, Koos, I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military Complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And Since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Slaat my dood!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Koos called again the next day.
"Jis, jis, jis, Barack! I am sorry to tell you that we've had to call Off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over some Klippies and Coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of War."
Rosemary
John gets a distressed phone call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."
Grandma and Grandpa
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma ?"
"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what ? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere we went today !"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it.
Jeaneoe
Hot Pick Up Line: You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
When two jerks meet, the conversation can lead to anything. "Fine thing," said one irately. "I ask you for the phone number of a woman, and she turns out to be a lady taxi-driver." "A lady taxi-driver!" the second echoed. "Whatever gave you that idea?" "Well, all night long she kept going out on calls."
Two urchins stole a sign from a local department store and placed it conspicuously in front of a brothel. The sign? It read: TRY OUR LAY- AWAY PLAN
Two call girls were discussing their financial status: "When I get paid, I always put my money in my stocking. It's bound to draw interest there." "Not me. My night's receipts go right into my bra. There's gold in them thar hills."
Reflection in a side-view mirror: "I just passed a red light and it cost me fifteen dollars. It would have been cheaper if I had stopped at one."
"It was awful," lamented one madam to another. "I had a fire at my place." "Didn't you call the firemen?" asked the other. "That's what made it so awful," groaned the first. "It took the firemen two hours to put the fire out, and it took my girls two days to put the firemen
put!"
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends...
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
A cow suddenly jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.
Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.' 'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy. 'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'
Gordon
Trivia
The average person laughs about 15 times a day.
The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.
A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile.
In the world's oceans, there are: 58 species of sea grasses. Less than 1,000 species of cephalopods - squids, octopi, & pearly nautiluses. 1,000 species of sea anemones. 1,500 species of brown algae. 7,000 species of echinoderms - starfishes, sea urchins, sea cucumbers and sea lilies. 13,000 species of fishes. 50,000 species of molluscs.
US presidents who served an entire term without a vice president: John Tyler, Millard Fillmore, Andrew Johnson, and Chester Arthur.
US presidents who were survived by their fathers: John F. Kennedy and Warren Harding.
US Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina set a filibuster record in the U.S. Senate on August 19, 1957. He spoke for 24 hours and 18 minutes.
While sleeping, one man in eight snores, and one in ten grinds his teeth.
William Henry Harrison (1773-1841) was the first US president to die in office. At 32 days, he also had the shortest term in office.
A study at the University of Nebraska Medical Center suggests that chicken soup can put the kibosh on coughing, sore throat, and stuffy nose. When you get a cold, white blood cells called neutrophils migrate to the airways, where they fight infection. Chicken soup inhibits neutrophil migration, reducing symptoms while still fighting the cold.
