Two Kiwi's are working on a building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says,
"Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh."
"Walk out to the ind of thit plank," replies Muck. "I'll stand on this ind & balance ut."
"Are you sure, Muck?"
"Yis, no worries"
"100%?"
"YIS!"
So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds.
Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.
Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a Kiwi are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.
Wazza the Aussie says, "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!"
Pierre, the Frenchman says, "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure."
Meanwhile Bob, the Kiwi, sits laughing & says, "No, You blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming, "CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!"
Apr 17, 2010
Hello Friends ...
All The Earlier Fans of Jokes Veg n Nonveg Are Requested to Join Us back again as by mistake the page got deleted yestarday so remade a new jokes page .
The Thirteenth Wedding
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was - God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer - I know I'm going to get screwed."
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was - God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer - I know I'm going to get screwed."
The Wine
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally, someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton. You pick the grapes at the same time. The same cepage, You crush in the same way, You put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, You even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other. Then, smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally, someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton. You pick the grapes at the same time. The same cepage, You crush in the same way, You put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, You even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other. Then, smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
Golf Match
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and... misses. They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much, much harder...!"
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much, much harder...!"
I Gotta Have You!
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
Ace Hardware
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Sue, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware looking for a drill."
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
Women's lib speaker
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where
Would man be today if it were not for woman?"
She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would
Man be today if it were not for woman?"
From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden
Eating strawberries."
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