Sep 8, 2011
The best divorce letter, ever !!
The Best Divorce Letter, everrr!
My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years
& I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked
your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight
to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years
& I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked
your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight
to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Invercargill together!
Have a great life!
===============================
Dear Ex-wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from
what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't
say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on
it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million
dollar Lotto on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I
got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from
what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't
say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on
it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million
dollar Lotto on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I
got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you
wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's
not a problem.
Shredded Similes, Mutilated Metaphors
Shredded Similes, Mutilated Metaphors
For your entertainment, actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student's essays.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
- She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
- The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
- Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
__._,_.___
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