How They Have Sex

How They Have Sex ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACTORS do it on cue. ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. ANSI does it in the standard way ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHITECTS have great plans. ARTISTS are exhibitionists. ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. ATTORNEYS make better motions. AUDITORS like to examine figures. BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. BAILIFFS always come to order. BAKERS knead it daily. BAND MEMBERS play all night. BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal. BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. BEER DRINKERS get more head. BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry. BOSSES delegate the task to others. BOWLERS have bigger balls. BRICKLAYERS lay all day. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. BUTCHERS have better meat. C'Bers do it on the air. CAMPERS do it in a tent. CARPENTERS hammer it harder. CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. CHEMISTS like to experiment. CHESS PLAYERS check their mates. CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. CLOWNS do it for laughs. COACHES whistle while they work. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop. COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it. COPS have bigger guns. COWBOYS handle anything horny. COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts. DENTISTS do it in your mouth. DETECTIVES do it under cover. DIETICIANS eat better. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. DIVERS do it deeper. DOCTORS do it with patience. DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRY WALLER'S are better bangers. ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. ENGINEERS charge by the hour. EXECUTIVES have large staffs. FARMERS spread it around. FIREMEN are always in heat. FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. GARBAGE MEN come once a week. GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. GYMNASTS mount and dismount well. HACKERS do it with fewer instructions. HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency. HANDYMEN like good screws. HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision. HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. HUNTERS do it with a bang. INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers. INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house. INVENTORS find a way. JANITORS clean up afterwards. JEWELERS mount real gems. JOGGERS do it on the run. LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper. LAWYERS do it in their briefs. LIBRARIANS do it quietly. LOCKSMITHS can get into anything. LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. MACHINISTS make the best screws. MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye. MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet. MANAGERS supervise others. MARKETING REPs do it on commission. MILKMEN deliver twice a week. MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done. MINERS sink deeper shafts. MINISTERS do it on Sundays. MISSILE MEN have better thrust. MODELS do it in any position. MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters. MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs. MOVIE STARS do it on film. MUSICIANS do it with rhythm. NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing. NURSES call the shots. OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under. OPERATORS do it person-to-person. OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face. PAINTERS do it with longer strokes. PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash. PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion. PILOTS keep it up longer. PLUMBERS do it under the sink. POLICEMEN like big busts. POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected. POSTMEN come slower. PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets. PRINTERS reproduce the fastest. PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end. PROFESSORS do it by the book. RACERS like to come in first. RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.. RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it. REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots. RECYCLERS use it again. REPAIRMEN can fix anything. REPORTERS do it daily. RESEARCHERS are still looking for it. RETAILERS move their merchandise. ROOFERS do it on top. RUNNERS get into more pants. SAILORS like to be blown. SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. SCIENTISTS discovered it. SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5. SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop. SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls. SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists. SPELUNKERS do it underground. SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay. STEWARDESSES do it in the air. STUDENTS use their heads. SURGEONS are smooth operators. TAILORS make it fit. TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town. TAXIDERMISTS mount anything. TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking. TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals. TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls. TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks. TRUCKERS carry bigger loads. TYPISTS do it in triplicate. VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers. VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up. WAITRESSES serve it piping hot. WATER SKIERS come down harder. WELDERS have hotter rods. WRESTLERS know the best holds. WRITERS have novel ways. ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

British Gujurati Complaints

These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester Council and other Housing associations written by Britain's Gujarati's:- 1. I want some repairs done to my wife's cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in my back passage. 3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant? 7. I request permission to remove and change my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. 10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

Pussy & Bitch

Little Johnny asked Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using...........Pussy and Bitch.   Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, Like our little Chico . A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy ."   "Thanks, Mom..."   He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."   "What words, son?"   "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."   Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."   He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."   "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"   Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

Six Affairs

The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time…!'



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show, you won't believe,
' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she
heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said.
'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed..

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess…'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

FOR THE LADIES <~FINISHED

For the Ladies Ladies, close your eyes and relax And spread your legs out wide Get your fingers ready To take a trip inside Imagine your fantasy man Or someone you once knew Positioned there between your legs And about to go down on you The music's playing softly There's incense in the air The candlelight is burning low Imagine...he is there You feel his fingers touch your lips They rub you soft and slow He teases them a little bit Then smiles and let's go He bends to take a breath of you You hear him fill his lungs He holds it there deep in his chest Then moans when he is done He then lowers his head to you And licks your hot, moist mound Taking it between his lips Then lightly nibbles down He peppers you with kisses As he holds to your ass tight Crushes you onto his face You thrust with all your might He explores every inch of your pussy His tongue has found your clit He kisses, licks, nibbles, and sucks He loves to play with it Then you feel his tongue move Like the wings of a hummingbird Flicking wildly in every way Touching every nerve Your hands are reaching for his head You grab him by the hair And press his face against you Then hold him tightly there Now his tongue is deep inside Buried between your lips Your juice is flowing freely now And he is savoring it You hear him moan lowly As he sucks and licks you out Both fire and flood roll through you You let go a deafening shout Your body rushes with pleasure You writhe and clutch the sheets You cum over and over As he revels in your heat Finally your body goes limp You're relaxed, drained, and loose Yet he continues licking Getting every drop of juice As your eyes begin to focus And your head begins to clear He climbs up and lies beside you Then whispers, "C'mere" He holds you close and kisses you His lips wet with your taste You fall asleep totally content In your lover's embrace Now ladies take your fingers And put them in your mouth Taste that hot and sticky cum That guys can't do without ; )

From The Man in the Cave, I hope he stays there, in the Cave

 

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?  Marry It!  What is the difference between a battery and a woman?  A battery has a positive side.   How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?  Put a nipple on it.   Why do women fake orgasms ?  Because they think men care.    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?  Nothing, she's been told twice already.  If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?  Made her chain too long    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?  Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.    Why do women have smaller feet than men?  It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. Why do men pass gas more than women?  Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.    If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the front door, who do you let  in first ? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..  It's called a Wedding Cake.  Why do men die before their wives?  They want to.   Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun.

__._,_.___

A Promise

A Promise

Promise Yourself To Be So Strong That Nothing Can Disturb Your Peace Of Mind.

To Talk Health, Happiness And Prosperity To Every Person You Meet. 

 

To Make All Your Friends Feel That There is Something Special in Them.

 

To Look At The Sunny Side Of Everything And Make Your Optimism Come True.

 

To Think Only Of The Best, To Work Only For The Best And Expect Only The Best.

 

To Be Just As Enthusiastic About The Success Of Others As You Are About Your Own.

 

To Forget The Mistakes Of The Past And Press On The Greater Achievements Of The Future.

 

To Wear A Cheerful Countenance At All Times And Give Every Living Creature You Meet A Smile.

 

To Give So Much Time To The improvements Of Yourself That You Have No Time To Criticize Others.

 

To Be Too Large For Worry, Too Noble For Anger, Too Strong For Fear And Too Happy To Permit The Presence Of Trouble.

Xeracx 8

Xeracx 9

Xeracx 7

Increase Intimacy in your Relationship

Do you ever feel like your relationship is losing its intimacy? Do you find making love more like a chore than a pleasurable activity with your partner? You can change all that by adding these to-do tips into your daily lives. In no time, you’ll see that both of you would be exploring each other every night.

Describe all your feelings, omitting the Shakespearean sonnets. Work out your fantasies. Ask open-ended questions, and be supportive of whatever answer that opens up. Softly whispering what you are going to do to each other will also increase sexual tension. Show your partner that you are willing to pleasure them.

Kiss to Kindle

There is nothing more exciting than a long, sensual kiss. It is seductive and intimate. Proper kissing requires proper pressure and moves. Kissing can start from anywhere, anytime, even before you reach the bedroom. If you really want to get in the right mood, kiss your partner’s face.

Start with little pecks on the eyes, cheeks, chin, nose, and slowly outline their lips with the tip of your tongue. Once you get to the mouth don’t dive in hard. Be slow and steady as you rest your lips on their lips. Put pressure then pull back, gently suck the bottom lip. This will entice and set the mood for later extravaganza.

for*play Features

You should take more time in for*play as it can certainly solidify your anticipation of a night of great intimacy. If you don’t know how to pleasure a woman orally, ask and allow her hands to guide you. Timing should be synchronized perfectly. The most important element for incredible lovemaking must be oral for*play. The connection creates sparks of electricity. Move your hands through your partner’s hair while one is performing an oral act. Indulge in caressing and kissing before you mate. At this point, your partner should be completely relaxed and excited, and then, we’re talking long nights of passion.

Cuddling After

This is one very important to-do for the male performer as most girls are already aware of it. When you make love to a woman you love, she feels more loved and adored if you stay awake to cuddle and talk to her after the whole episode. She likes to snuggle and speak about how wonderful she feels.

You can also reveal and review how you feel and what your most favorite moves on bed were. Everybody loves being appreciated. You can also discuss about another session in the near future. This makes your partner feel more wanted and desired.

Eye Contact for Intimacy

Maintain eye contact all the time, go the extra mile for tender and slow lovemaking. The connection removes all inhibitions and hesitancy. Eye contact during oral s** makes the coupling intimate and exciting. It signifies trust and retracts all things that make it uncomfortable. It will take you to

The Best Story of the Year

The Best Story of the Year:      The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.      She said, "I have praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.      The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.    "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."    We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.      "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."    All the men sighed with unified relief.      The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.        A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.  He said, "I'm Tom Smith."    The entire congregation held its breath.        "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

__._,_.___

We Are in Confused Nation

•  where a policeman kills a leopard that is actually attacking a villager, and instead of being felicitated he is booked for the crime of saving a human being at the insistence of some Wildlife Organisations.
  

• A nation where Rice is Rs.40/- per kg and SIM Card is free
  

• Where a pizza you have ordered reaches home faster than an ambulance or police, even if you were being murdered or having a heart attack
  

• Where a car loan is charged at 5% but an education loan, so necessary for our youth is charged an interest of 12%
  

• A nation where students with 45% get into elite institutions through the quota system and those with 90% are sent away because of merit.
  

• Where a millionaire buys a cricket team, spending crores instead of donating the money to any charity. Where two IPL teams were auctioned at 3300 crores, yet still a poor country where people starve for two square meals per day.
  

• A country where footwear is sold in AC showrooms, but the vegetables we eat, are sold on the footpath and very often next to garbage dumps.
  

• Where everybody wants to be famous, not by doing good for others, but by looting others and finally getting their names in the newspapers through some scam or other!
  

• It's a strange nation we live in, where assembly complex buildings get ready within a year while public bridges, flyovers and sea links take several years even to get off the drawing board and another decade to be completed
  

• We are a nation where two brothers fight with each other for the nation's spoils, but the nation doesn't know that the two of them are cleverly looting the nation while we watch their mock battles.
  

• We have malls, and sky-rises, with slums forming their boundary wall.
  

• A country where men and women squat on railway tracks, with no where else to go while watching them from windows, are couples with three bathrooms and one for the guests

• A country where politicians who are supposed to serve the people accept money from the same people they are supposed to serve, then take a salary from the government for their services to the people
  

• We are a nation where we talk in hushed whispers about the corruption in the country and then dig into our pockets to bribe a cop when we are caught cutting a red light

• Think about it; we are a confused nation, aren't we?

How To Use Facebook’s Like Plugin On Your Website

Facebook’s like button shows up on hundreds of thousands of websites, and more add them every day. Fortunately, the recent redesignof the icon doesn’t require you to change anything that you’ve already installed.

The like button’s facelift was so subtle that many people still haven’t even noticed the difference. And the redesign so far doesn’t appear to have changed the rate that people click on the icon.

As one of the most popular ways for users to interact on Facebook, the like button remains a powerful way to drive traffic to your website as well.When visitors enjoy your content, they simply click the like button to show appreciation. As soon as they click the button, a link to your website and a message declaring the person likes it appears in their news feeds. Since friends often share the same interest, this can drive focused traffic back to your website.

You can place a like button practically anywhere on your website. If you sell books, try placing a like button in the book descriptions. If you write a blog, try including a like button in each of your posts. Some websites use the like button as a makeshift voting mechanism, prompting visitors to click like if they agree with a post, or would like to see more items like the one for sale.

Code for the like button appears among the plugins subsection of Facebook’s developers portion of the website. Installing this icon, or any of the other plugins is a breeze: a small piece of code goes into the section of your website’s HTML code, and like magic, the plugin appears. You can choose to use either an iFrame, or XFBML, JavaScript code.

Readers, please let us know in the comments section how and whether the recent minor redesign of the like button has in any way affected your site.

Viral Status Shows How To Protect Your Facebook

Over the past few hours, a new status update has reposted on Facebook at least once a second, explaining how to protect their accounts by enabling support for HTTPS.

While the information in the update isn’t new, it’s definitely accurate. The note describes to users how to enable HTTPS support in order to encrypt all their updates published to Facebook. If you are interested in securing your account, simply visit your account settings page (found here) and scroll down to the Account security area pictured below. Expand your settings and check off the box which states “Browse Facebook on a secure connection (https) whenever possible.”

For most users, this isn’t bad advice. While HTTPS can slow down the site speed by a few milliseconds, it’s something that shouldn’t be noticeable to most users. Below is a screenshot showing how rapidly these status updates are spreading on Facebook. Readers, have you seen any repostings of this among your friends?

Facebook Boosts Site’s Availability And Page Load Times

Facebook has improved in availability and page loading times, according to the latest quarterly report by AlertSite.

Facebook’s up time during the first quarter of 2011 was 99.88 percent, meaning Facebook has moved above what AlertSite considers the benchmark average for response times, 99.77 percent.

That puts the site in third place availability, up one spot from fourth place during the fourth quarter of 2010.

The first quarter of 2011 didn’t have the downtime that we’d observed in December. And Facebook has been expanding its server and data center capacity to better handle traffic loads.

LinkedIn and YouTube hold the top two spots in availability.

As for the time it takes for pages to load, Facebook continues to outrank all other social networks — or at least those that AlertSite keeps track of.

According to the report, the social media site increased its average page loading speed from 1.06 seconds at the end of 2010 to .75 seconds this quarter.

YouTube follows behind it with an average response time of 1.46 seconds. In third place is LinkedIn at 1.69 seconds, and Twitter at 2.59 seconds.

No surprises here: MySpace is the slowest responding social media site, coming in at a lagging load time of 5.60 seconds.

Facebook’s improved performance, both in faster page load times and greater availability, becomes more impressive when you consider that the site has gained around 100,000 additional users during the quarter.

Readers, do these figures on load time and availability jibe with your own observations from surfing Facebook?