BEST THOUGHTS

BEST THOUGHTS.........who is..

Best Teacher ---- EXPERIENCE

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Best Book ------- LIFE

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Best Student -----DILIGENCE

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Best Lesson ------ PATIENCE

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Best Friend ------ PRAISE

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Best Sport ------ DUTY

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Best Dress ----- SMILE

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Best Shelter ---- TRUTH

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Best Medicine--- LAUGH

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Best Manners--- COURTESY

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Best Hobby----- SERVICE

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Best Religion---- HUMANITY

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Best Relation---- LOVE

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Best Insurance-- GOOD DEEDS.....!!!

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE

Dan: Hello. Jane and I aren't here right now but if...


Jane: Dan, what are you doing?


Dan: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.


Jane: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.


Dan: No, I'm sure it's my turn.


Jane: No, you selfish . It's definitely my turn!


Dan: Jane, you ignorant slut. I know it's... wait... Jane... what are you


doing with that frying pan?!?


BONK [really loud thud]


.
.
.


Jane: Dan is out right now, so please leave your name and number

The Most Beautiful Currency Note

They’re all interesting, But here are a few other nice looking banknotes from around the world, maybe even nicer than the ones in Mr. Standish’s top

The loyal wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.




Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.




Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.




When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.




Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.




So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."




The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."




"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"




"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

put the glass down

A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.


He held it up for all to see; asked the students,' How much do you think this glass weighs?'


'50gms!' .... '100gms!' ......'125gms' ......the students answered.


'I really don't know unless I weigh it,' said the professor,'but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?'


'Nothing' the students said.

'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the professor asked.


'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students.


'You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?'


'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress; paralysis;


Have to go to hospital for sure!'ventured another student; all the students laughed.


'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?' asked


The professor. 'No' the students said.


Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?'


The students were puzzled.


'Put the glass down!' said one of the students.


'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this.


Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK.


Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache. Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.


It's important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but


EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to 'put them down' at the end of every day before you go to sleep.


That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh & strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!'


Remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!

Christmas shopping

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"




"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.




"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.




"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"




"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!

A Policeman Testifies in Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility. ..

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

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The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" Line -- I think he'll win.

The Last Coin

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 shiny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? “

‘No,’ the woman replied. ‘I’m with the Income Tax officer‘ ….

Funny Trojan Condom Ad

Trojan's Evolve One / Evolve All campaign, written and directed by Evan Meszaros, is an award winning ad. It is not only funny, but actually inspires you to use a Condom and stay away from unprotected Sex.

Complete Orchestra in One person

Now, you do not need an Orchestra any more
This person can replace the whole band
He can make almost any sound from his mouth

Drunk People and Their Funny Acts

When people are drunk
they usually don't know what they are doing
they just wanna do what they feel like doing at that moment.