A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning.
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Q: What was the First Commandment?
A: "Adam, eat my pussy."
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
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Houdini
This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.
She looks at him says, "What are we going to name it?"
He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this we'll call him Houdini."
