Look everything should be in balance

God was in the process of creating the universe.

And he was explaining to his subordinates

"Look everything should be in balance.


For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.

I have blessed them with prosperity and money.

But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....

And here is Africa.

I have given them beautiful nature.

But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.

And here is South America.

I have given them lots of forests.

But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would

have to cut off the forests...

So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.

One of the angels asked...

"God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"


God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all.

"INDIA"

My most precious creation.

It has understanding and friendly People.

Sparkling streams and serene mountains.

A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.

Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:

"But god you said everything should be in balance."

God replied --

"Look at the neighbours I gave them."

Can I Give Someone A Valentine

Valentine's Day:

Little Melissaa very bright girl, comes home from pre-school and tells her father that they learned about Valentine's Day.

She asks, “Can I give someone a Valentine?”

Melissa's father says: “Who do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.

And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the ****er.

Manager Was Impressed

"By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken.
He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.

'You've got to have a room somewhere' he pleaded.' - Or just a bed - I
don't care where.' 'Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,'
admitted the manager,' and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'

'No problem,' the tired travelers assured him. 'I'll take it.'

The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy
tailed. 'How'd you sleep?' asked the manager.

'Never better.' The
manager was impressed. 'No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'

'Nope, I shut him up in no time' said Dave. 'How'd you manage that?'
asked the manager. 'He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came
in the room,' Dave explained.'

I went over, gave him a kiss on the
cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching
me.'"

The Little Boy Replied

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the
grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who
asked, 'Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?'

The little boy replied, 'Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right.'

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, 'I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven.'

The little boy replied with a chuckle. 'Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office.'"

Combined With Horrible Stress

"Santa to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone...

He said, 'Mr Santa is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will surely die.'

'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'

On the way home, Santa asked his wife... 'What did the doctor say?'

'You're going to die,' she replied..."

Internet dataing

Potrait

 

A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellry."

Real types of sex!

 

 

Seven Kinds Of Sex .... 

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are 
blue in the face. 
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have 
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too 
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you 
both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least .....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME 
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own !!!

 

Sex on Sundays

 

A    man wonders if having   sex on the Sabbath  is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the   bible, the Priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that    sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."   The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.    Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!  Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a    Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son,  sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The   Rabbi softly speaks, "If  sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

SKIRT ZIPPER

 SKIRT ZIPPER

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg  
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.  With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'   

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,  I kinda figured we were
friends

Superb Sentences By 7 Superb Persons

 

Superb Sentences By 7 Superb Persons   Dr Abdul Kalaam........ "It Is Very Easy To Defeat Someone, But It Is Very Hard To Win Someone   Shakespeare..... "Never Play With The Feelings Of Others Because You May Win The Game But The Risk Is That You Will Surely Lose The Person For A Life Time".   Napoleon........ "The world suffers a lot. Not because of the violence of bad people, But because of the silence of good people!"   Einstein......... "I am thankful to all those who said NO to me Its because of them I did it myself.."   Abraham Lincoln......... "If friendship is your weakest point then you are the strongest person in the world"   Shakespeare.......... "Laughing Faces Do Not Mean That There Is Absence Of Sorrow! But It Means That They Have The Ability To Deal With It".   William Arthur......... "Opportunities Are Like Sunrises, If You Wait Too Long You Can Miss Them".   Hitler..... "When You Are In The Light, Everything Follows You, But When You Enter Into The Dark, Even Your Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You."   Shakespeare............. "Coin Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent. So When Your Value Increases Keep Yourself Calm and Silent"   .

Thought for the day

 

The World Is Your Mirror
The good you find in others, is in you too.
The faults you find in others, are your faults as well.
After all, to recognize something you must know it.
The possibilities you see in others,
are possible for you as well.
The beauty you see around you, is your beauty.
The world around you is a reflection, a mirror
showing you the person you are.
To change your world, you must change yourself.
See the best in others, and you will be your best.
Give to others, and you will give to yourself.
Appreciate beauty, and you will be beautiful.
Admire creativity, and you will be creative.
Love, and you will be loved.
Seek to understand, and you will be understood.
Listen, and your voice will be heard.
Teach, and you will learn.

__._,_.___

Twins

 

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home
From work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for
Joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up
And down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
Her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Tesco and bought
The TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!" 

LITTLE KNOWN SEXUAL FACTS

Little Known Sexual Facts (**) Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (**) Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to ensure fertilization. (**) In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish. (**) Dolphins and humans are the only known animals that have sex for pleasure. (**) The bonobo monkeys use sex (and/or sexual favors) to placate members of their social group instead of grooming. They are one of the few species of animals (humans being another) that have sex out of season and for fun. (**) Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth. (**) In Argentina, it is rumored that eating cats is good for your health and stimulates sexual potency. (**) You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females hiss. (**) Human birth control pills work on gorillas. (**) The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish. (**) Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and indulge in group sex. (**) According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live years longer if they abstained. (**) In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking. (**) A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom. (**) If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are still active. (**) The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex organs. (**) Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. (**) The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm. (**) Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have penises that are 2 feet long. (**) Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the female's mantle cavity. (**) Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (**) A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade. Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face. (**) Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself. (**) Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's. (**) Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well. (**) A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we get the derogatory slang. (**) Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex. (**) Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex, the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes. (**) Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of prostitution by stealing food during sex. (**) The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do you think they get their coats so shiny?) (**) 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake mating session. (**) The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on her male partner's semen. (**) Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their erections. (**) Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.   ()()()()()()()

LEANING IN HIS CHAIR

Leaning In His Chair An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair, a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into the chair for his own good. Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded and read. It said, "They won't let me fart." ========== A little girl was licking a lollipop at a hairdressers and drops it into a heap of cut hair lying on the floor, the hairdresser says to her: Oh, "have you got hair on your lollipop"? "No", answers the little girl, "I'm only three." ========== A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?" The mother replied, "I don't know, son, I never met your father's folks." ========== THERE are three stages on sex in every relationship, and here they are": Anywhere sex - when you first meet you do it anywhere. Bedroom sex - After the kids are asleep you have it in the bedroom. Hallway sex - You pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you!"

ANNUAL PHYSICAL

Annual Physical 70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?" Thelma replied, "Darn fool's been pissing in the fridge again!" __________________ Blonde Moments! A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!" The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" "Yes, anything" the blonde promised. With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did. He then said, "Get on your knees" She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did. He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM??? __________________   A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" ...The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

AN ELDERLY COUPLE

An Elderly Couple   An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.  She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.   A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said :"Then you used to bite my neck"  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.  "Where are you going ?"she asked. "To get my teeth.   Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu. For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen. One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy. However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum. Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!     Redneck Sayings 1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." 2. "It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch." 3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." 4. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’" 5. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm." 6. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." 7. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull." 8. "Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining." 9. "He’s as country as cornflakes." 10. "This is gooder’n grits."