Jan 5, 2010
Lawyer in the limozine ( funny )
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass..
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"
Some Nice Quotes
IF WE CANNOT LOVE THE PERSON WHOM WE SEE,... HOW CAN WE LOVE GOD,WHOM WE CANNOT SEE ? - MOTHER THERESA .
IF YOU WIN YOU NEED NOT EXPLAIN .......... BUT IF YOU LOSE YOU SHOULD
NOT BE THERE TO EXPLAIN - ADOLPH HITLER
IF YOU START JUDGING PEOPLE YOU WILL BE HAVING NO TIME TO LOVE THEM - MOTHER THERESA
I'M NOT IN COMPETITION WITH ANYBODY BUT MYSELF...... .... MY GOAL IS TO BEAT MY LAST PERFORMANCE - BILL GATES
DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF WITH ANYONE IN THIS WORLD....... IF YOU DO SO, YOU ARE INSULTING YOURSELF - ALEN STRIKE .
NEVER EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYONE...... .BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO LIKES YOU DOES NOT NEED IT.........AND THE PERSON WHO DISLIKES YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT - AUTHOR UNKNOWN
THE DREAM IS NOT WHAT YOU SEE IN SLEEP......DREAM IS WHICH DOES NOT LET YOU SLEEP. - DR. ABDUL KALAM (Former President of the Republic of India)
NO MAN IS RICH ENOUGH TO BUY HIS PAST - - OSCAR WILDE
IF YOU WANT REAL PEACE,.... DON'T TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS,...TALK WITH YOUR ENEMIES - MOTHER THERESA
WINNING DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN BEING FIRST,..... WINNING MEANS YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU'VE DONE BEFORE - BONNIE BLAIR
EVERYONE THINKS OF CHANGING THE WORLD,...... . BUT NO ONE THINKS OF CHANGING HIMSELF . - - - LEO TOLSTOY
I WILL NOT SAY I FAILED 1000 TIMES,...... .. I WILL SAY THAT I DISCOVERED
THERE ARE 1000 WAYS THAT CAN CAUSE FAILURE. THOMAS EDISON
NEVER BREAK FOUR THINGS IN YOUR LIFE,
a) TRUST,
b) PROMISE,
c) RELATIONSHIP and
d) HEART
BECAUSE WHEN THEY BREAK THEY DON'T MAKE NOISE BUT PAIN A LOT - CHARLES
IN A DAY, WHEN YOU DON'T COME ACROSS ANY PROBLEMS YOU CAN BE SURE THAT YOU ARE TRAVELLING IN A WRONG PATH - SWAMI VIVEKANANDA :
THREE SENTENCES FOR GETTING SUCCESS:
A) KNOW MORE THAN OTHER
B) WORK MORE THAN OTHER
C) EXPECT LESS THAN OTHER - WILLIAM SHAKESPEAR
LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT STOPS LOVING YOU - DR. ABDUL KALAM
IF SOMEONE FEELS THAT THEY HAD NEVER MADE A MISTAKE IN THEIR LIFE,THEN IT MEANS THEY HAD NEVER TRIED A NEW THING IN THEIR LIFE - ALBERT EINSTEIN
IF YOU WIN YOU NEED NOT EXPLAIN .......... BUT IF YOU LOSE YOU SHOULD
NOT BE THERE TO EXPLAIN - ADOLPH HITLER
IF YOU START JUDGING PEOPLE YOU WILL BE HAVING NO TIME TO LOVE THEM - MOTHER THERESA
I'M NOT IN COMPETITION WITH ANYBODY BUT MYSELF...... .... MY GOAL IS TO BEAT MY LAST PERFORMANCE - BILL GATES
DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF WITH ANYONE IN THIS WORLD....... IF YOU DO SO, YOU ARE INSULTING YOURSELF - ALEN STRIKE .
NEVER EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYONE...... .BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO LIKES YOU DOES NOT NEED IT.........AND THE PERSON WHO DISLIKES YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT - AUTHOR UNKNOWN
THE DREAM IS NOT WHAT YOU SEE IN SLEEP......DREAM IS WHICH DOES NOT LET YOU SLEEP. - DR. ABDUL KALAM (Former President of the Republic of India)
NO MAN IS RICH ENOUGH TO BUY HIS PAST - - OSCAR WILDE
IF YOU WANT REAL PEACE,.... DON'T TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS,...TALK WITH YOUR ENEMIES - MOTHER THERESA
WINNING DOESN'T ALWAYS MEAN BEING FIRST,..... WINNING MEANS YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU'VE DONE BEFORE - BONNIE BLAIR
EVERYONE THINKS OF CHANGING THE WORLD,...... . BUT NO ONE THINKS OF CHANGING HIMSELF . - - - LEO TOLSTOY
I WILL NOT SAY I FAILED 1000 TIMES,...... .. I WILL SAY THAT I DISCOVERED
THERE ARE 1000 WAYS THAT CAN CAUSE FAILURE. THOMAS EDISON
NEVER BREAK FOUR THINGS IN YOUR LIFE,
a) TRUST,
b) PROMISE,
c) RELATIONSHIP and
d) HEART
BECAUSE WHEN THEY BREAK THEY DON'T MAKE NOISE BUT PAIN A LOT - CHARLES
IN A DAY, WHEN YOU DON'T COME ACROSS ANY PROBLEMS YOU CAN BE SURE THAT YOU ARE TRAVELLING IN A WRONG PATH - SWAMI VIVEKANANDA :
THREE SENTENCES FOR GETTING SUCCESS:
A) KNOW MORE THAN OTHER
B) WORK MORE THAN OTHER
C) EXPECT LESS THAN OTHER - WILLIAM SHAKESPEAR
LOVE YOUR JOB BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT STOPS LOVING YOU - DR. ABDUL KALAM
IF SOMEONE FEELS THAT THEY HAD NEVER MADE A MISTAKE IN THEIR LIFE,THEN IT MEANS THEY HAD NEVER TRIED A NEW THING IN THEIR LIFE - ALBERT EINSTEIN
MOST STRANGEST AIRPORT NAMES
Batman Airport, Turkey
Useless Loop Airport, Australia
Mafia Airport, Tanzania
Moron Airport, Mongolia
Ogle Airport, Guyana
Brest Airport, France
Eek Airport, US
Black Tickle Airport, Canada
Pickle Lake Airport, Canada
Raspberry Strait Airport, US
Airports that may offend
Old Crow Airport, Canada
Fukui Airport, Japan
Gaylord Airport, US
Pratt Airport, US
Shafter Airport, US
Dang Airport, Nepal
Ponce Airport, Puerto Rico
Fort Dix Airport, US
Tsili Tsili Airport, Papua New Guinea
Fak Fak Airport, US
Airports you may prefer not to fly to
Red Devil Airport, US
Asbestos Hill Airport, Canada
Deception Airport, Canada
Bloodvein Airport, Canada
Slave Lake Airport, Canada
Broken Hill Airport, Australia
Rifle Airport, US
Deadhorse Airport, US
Danger Bay Airport, US
Colon Airport, Panama
Strange sounding airports
Woodie Woodie Airport, Australia
Wee Waa Airport, Australia
Wagga Wagga Airport, Australia
Wuhu Airport, China
Gorom-Gorom Airport, Burkina Faso
Xingning Airport, China
Girls are always incomplete without boys
WOMAN has MAN in it
********
SHE has HE in it
********
Mrs. Has Mr. In it
********
LADY has LAD in it
********
MISTRESS has MISTER in it
********
MADAM has ADAM in it
********
HOSTESS has HOST in it
********
FEMALE has MALE in it so on the list is unending
********
So No need to proud.....
********
Girls are always incomplete without boys
********
********
SHE has HE in it
********
Mrs. Has Mr. In it
********
LADY has LAD in it
********
MISTRESS has MISTER in it
********
MADAM has ADAM in it
********
HOSTESS has HOST in it
********
FEMALE has MALE in it so on the list is unending
********
So No need to proud.....
********
Girls are always incomplete without boys
********
Another Example, Doc?
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Bob thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Bridge of love
Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said."Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?
"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother.Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn?I want you to build me a fence - - an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."
The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing, and hammering.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all.
It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched."You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more love bridges to build."
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said."Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?
"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother.Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn?I want you to build me a fence - - an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."
The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing, and hammering.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all.
It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched."You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more love bridges to build."
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, " How do I know if I married the right person ?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, " It Depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered " How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's Weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with Your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked Their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a Completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, " I was swept of my feet." Think about the Imagery of that _expression. It implies that you were just standing There; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the Natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls Become a bother ( if they come at all), touch is not always welcome ( when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you Think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, " Did I marry The right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of The love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.
This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their Unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is The most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You Could.
And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because ( listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find " LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the _expression " the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it Takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific Things you can do ( with or without your spouse ) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe ( such as gravity),
There are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise Program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your Relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... You can " make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a " decision"... Not just a feeling.
"Shall we go for a drink?"
The diagram here below shows the thought process in a man vs. woman's brain when this simple question phrase is asked by their partner:
"Shall we go for a drink?"
defective parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Best women 2 marry
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
Honesty
There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not. This angered him and he took the farmer to court.
The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure. The farmer replied, "ur Honor, I am primitive. I don't have a proper measure, but I do have a scale." The judge asked, "Then how do you weigh the butter" The farmer replied "Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker."
What is the moral of the story? We get back in life what we give to others.
Whenever you take an action, ask yourself this question - Am I giving fair value for the wages or money I hope to make ?
Honesty and dishonesty become a habit. Some people practice dishonesty and can lie with a straight face. Others lie so much that they don't even know what the truth is anymore. But who are they deceiving ? Themselves -- more than anyone else.
Honesty can be put across gently. Some people take pride in being brutally honest. It seems they are getting a bigger kick out of the brutality than the honesty. Choice of words and tact are important.
How To Be A Friend
01. Don't worry about knowing people just make yourself worth knowing.
02. Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
03. If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.
04. True friends have hearts that beat as one.
05. If you cannot think of any nice things to say about your friends, then you have the wrong friends.
06. Make friends before you need them.
07. If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?
08. A good friend is one who neither looks down on you nor keeps up with you.
09. Be friendly with the folks you know… if it weren't for them you would be a total stranger.
10. A friend is never known till he is needed.
11. Friendship is a responsibility. ..not an opportunity.
12. Friendship is the cement that holds the world together.
13. Friends are those who speak to you after others don't.
14. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
15. Pick your friends, but not to pieces.
16. A friend is one who puts his finger on a fault without rubbing it in.
17. The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.
18. If a friend makes a mistake, don't rub it in... Rub it out.
19. Deal with other's faults as gently as if they were your own.
20. People are judged by the company they keep and the company they keep away from.
21. A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
22. The best mirror is an old friend.
23. The best possession one may have is a true friend.
24. Make friendship a habit and you will always have friends.
25. You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.
26. Doing nothing for your friends results in having no friends to do for.
27. Anyone can give advice, but a real friend will lend a helping hand.
28. You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have them be interested in you.
29. A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
30. A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
31. You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.
32. True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare; false friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere.
33. A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
Tuesday's Smiles
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
On the cover of a women's magazine, I saw the title: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." I decided to get a first-hand account. I asked my ex, "What's your innermost fear about my working?"
What did he say?
He said, "That you'll quit.”
Don't Touch My Car:
I was bullied at school and called all kinds of different names.
One day I turned to my bullies and said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."
It worked! From then on, it was sticks and stones all the way!
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us.”
Boss Reaction
In Beginning.....Boss
Be good, you will be fine.
Be good, you will be fine.
After a week...
Must Work Hard man
After a month...
Must Work very hard you know!
After a Quarter....
Can you hear me, you must work hard!!!
Chacha aur Nakli Daant
Ek bujurg chachaa paseene se tarbatar, hamfate hamfate hotel ki ek table pe aa baithe.
Waiter aaya, kuchh khane kaa order toh dey baithe, par na jaane kyon apne jhole ko badi besabri se tatolne mein hi lage huwe they. kabhi yahan kabhi wahan, bade pareshaan.
Uusi table par, chachaa ke saamne ki kursi par ek insaan bhi baitha tha, joh chachha ki pareshaan harkaten dekh dekh soch mein pad gaya tha.
Aakhir Poochh baitha – chachaa kya baat hai. Batuwa Watuwa kho gaya kya ? toh bhi pareshaan nako hone ka. hum hai na. aap maje se khao. koyee fikar nako karne ka.
Bujurg bole, arre nahin beta, tum jo soch rahe ho aisa kuchh nahin hai. paise toh ye rahe dekho, meri jeb mein hi hain.
par….
par kya chachaa….
beta mere daant nahin hain , main chaukhta lagata hun aur wahi chaukhta main shayad ghar bhool aaya hun. Bus yehi chinta sata rahi hai. Bhookh jor ki lagi hai aur order bhi de chuka hun. ek kaam karo, , yeh lo paise, inhen tum rakh lo . Tum khaa lena aur iin paison se bil ada kar dena. Main toh ab bus ghar pahunch kar hi kuchh kha paunga. kya karun, bhookh bhi badi kadake ki lagi hai.
Woh bhala aadmi – chachaa, main bola na , chinta karo nako. keh kar uusne apne haath mein thaami apni plastic bag kholi aur ek chaukhta nikal chachaa ke saamne rakh diya.
chachaa, ashcharya chakit reh gaya.
uuse dekhte hi rah gaye, jaise devdoot saamne aa baitha ho. muskurate huwe chaukhta uthaya, bhookh joron ki lagi thi. jhatpat lagane ki koshish ki. “beta, bhagwan tumhara bhala karey, par yeh kuchh chhota hai, main iise laga nahin paa raha“
ok, chachaa, yeh lo doosra try karo.
chachaa – arre, yeh kya. meri badkismati dekho, woh chhota tha aur yeh ab thoda bada hai.
Bhala aadmi – arre chachaa, nirash nahin hone ka, yeh dekho. yeh toh fit baithega hi. main bol raha hoon na aapko. Tension nahin lene ka.
Chachha toh khushi ke marey uus par nyochhawar se ho gaye. yeh chaukhta bilkul FIT aa gaya.
Bhookh bhi bus apna dum todne ko hi thi. chachaa ne aav dekha na taav, bus toot padey khane par. kuchh khaya, jaan mein jaan aaye toh chachaa koh uus bhale aadmi ki yaad aayee.
uuski or mukhatib hote huwe maje se khate khate hi bole- arre beta, maaf karna, bhookh itni tej lagi thi, main tumhen poochhna hi bhool gaya.
Bhala aadmi – chachaa, apun poora pet bharke khake baithela hai. apna chinta aap karo nako. aap khush toh apun bhi khush.
chachaa – theek hai beta, par batao toh sahi, tum karte kya ho. yeh itne saare alag alag chaukhte tumhare paas?
kya kisi chaukhta banane wali company mein kaam waam karte ho ?
Bhala aadmi – arre, nahin, nahin chachaa, apun thodi koyee padhela likhela aadmi hai. Apun toh iisi hotel ke pichhwade woh
SHAMSHAAN GHAT mein murdey jalane ka kaam karrta hun.
Learn to Shut up!
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!
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