A golfer

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss greets him. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time
to yell fore," says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"

Blind vs Blonde

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

 

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' 

LIKE THIS ONE?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of

the grocery Store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this

street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said,  "I'm the new

pastor in town.  I'd like for you to come to church on
Sunday.   I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.

"Awww, come on... You don't even

know the way to the Post Office."

I love the PS at the end!

To  my darling husband,

Before  you return from your overseas trip I just want to  let  you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I  turned into the driveway.   

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't  worry too much about  me.
    
I was  coming home from Sylvia Park and when I turned  into the driveway  I  accidentally  pushed down on the accelerator instead of the  brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a  halt when it bumped into your  car...

I  am really sorry, but  I know with your  kind-hearted personality you  will forgive  me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.   



I am enclosing a picture for you.


I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.   



Your loving wife.
    
XX 

P.S 
Your girlfriend  phoned.

That blonde again

A man entered the bus with both of his pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

Very official love letter

To
Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. At 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)

WD40 Story -Very interesting

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is?

Don't lie and don't cheat.

WD-40. Who knows?

I had a neighbour who had bought a new pickup.  I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had sprayed red paint all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).  I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.  He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.

Another neighbour came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off.  It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck.  I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew?  'Water Displacement #40' The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts.  WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company..

Its name comes=2 0 from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound.  They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.  The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.

Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.  When you read the 'shower door' part, try it.  It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!  Then try it on your stove top ... Viola!  It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

Here are some other uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3.. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewellery chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free=2 0of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!  Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring.  It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.  Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tool s.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Favourite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no
time.  Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls.  Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap , it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.

Why Me ? ( inspirational Story )

 Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player, was dying of AIDS. He contracted HIV during the blood transfusions he had received during a heart surgery in 1983.

 

From all over the world, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease?"

 

To this Arthur Ashe replied:

 

"The world over, 50 million children start playing tennis, 5 million learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, and 2 make it to the finals.

 

When I was holding a cup, I never asked GOD 'Why me?’ And today, in pain, I should not be asking GOD 'Why me?'"  

Doggy Style

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door.

He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style.

When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard upside her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed, "Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says, "For not looking back to see who it is"

A Whore

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a whore!"

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!"

A Cowboy Enters A Saloon....

A cowboy arrives in a little town, enters the saloon and screams, "I want a woman, I want a fuck!"
"Welcome." says the owner, "We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30!"
"She's wonderful!" replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem." said the owner, "For $20, Blondie the Blonde sucks your cock out of your underwear!"
"She's real pretty," replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem sir!" said the owner, "For $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til the mornin!"
"She's nice," replied the cowboy, "But I don't hav......"
"How much fucking money do you have then?" screamed the owner.
"Errrrr," whispered the cowboy, "25 cents!"
"All right then," gasped the owner, "Go upstairs to room 22!"
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young girl lying with her legs wide open. He jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and says to the owner, "I... I think I have a problem!"
"What about?" replied the owner.
"Well," said the cowboy, "You know the young lady in room 22.....I was having fun with her and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a load of white mess!"
"Oh shit!" screamed the owner, "Someone go and change the corpse in room 22, it's full again!"

70850643

A guy is walking down the street and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next brothel. But since he has only five dollars, they kick him out as well. By this time he is super horny, so he goes to the next brothel and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny and I need a blow job!"
The manager takes pity on him and says, "OK, for five dollars I can give you a penguin!"
"What's a penguin?" he asks.
The manager grins, "You'll find out!"
He takes the five dollars and leads the horny man into a bedroom. The horny guy unzips his pants and waits for the penguin. Soon a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as he is about to come, she stops and walks away. The horny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting,"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS A PENGUIN?!"

Priceless

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless,
and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past October, and Absa billed her for November and December
for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been £0.00,
now is somewhere around £500.00.

A family member placed a call to Absa:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in October."
Absa: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Absa: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Absa: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Absa: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part
about her being dead?"
Absa: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in October."
Absa: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Absa: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Absa: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Absa: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Absa: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Absa: "That might help."
Family Member: "St Marylebone Cemetery, Finchley, Plot Number B9075769."
Absa: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

The Magical Frog (Story)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, -she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,

"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, -she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!