Apr 7, 2010

SEX FUNNY


“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!” - Drew Carey

“I know nothing about sex because I was always married.” - Zsa Zsa Gabor

“My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex,
she objects.” - Les Dawson

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.”- Steve Martin

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” - Woody Allen

“Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.” - Woody Allen

“My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.” - Joan Rivers

“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” - Woody Allen

“What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I’m home.” - Ken Hammond

“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.” - Brendan Francis

“Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.” - Woody Allen

“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” - Woody Allen

“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.” - Phyllis Diller

“Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.” - Dave Letterman

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.” - Steve Jobs

“Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.” - Scott Roeben

“Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.” - Billy Crystal

A D i c k ' s L i f e

Miserable Dick
When the guy is extremely handsome
He says the right things and does the right things
When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department
He sucks your tits too hard
Kisses your mouth too long
Stays around your neck forever
Fingers you like a GYN Doctor
Licks your pussy like he's in a track meet
And has a very small dick
You try to give him head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier

Tolerable Dick
This is a funny dick
He eats major pussy
He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak
It was good enough to make  you shed a tear
Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!!
His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic
You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last
big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick
The man will say, that we just have big pussies from having
too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him
Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that
accommodates the size of the penis

Internet Dick
Well, how would we define this type of dick?
You see, online they talk a damn good game,
but you never know what to expect in person
Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash

Pissed Off Dick
The guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy.
If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy".
If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your pussy".
If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy."
No matter what, he "punishes your pussy".
It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category.
He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you ~

"DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?",
"WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?", "I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW",
"YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".

Guilty Dick
The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
confess to your man you fucked someone else.
The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody.
Guilty dick is in a class of its own.
Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms.
Makes you cry and you have no clue to why.
This dick is so intense, when it is being administered it sends you into a trance.
He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, asks you if your comfortable about six times,
you started at 6PM and it is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet.
The lips on your pussy are so swollen that if you got
outta bed they would be draggin' the ground.
It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was
a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal.
He smells it like fine wine.
By now you're in shock and forget about your man.
He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick.
You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

Pleasurable Dick
This is good convenient dick.
Easy dick.
Dick you can call when your body needs a fix.
He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK.
Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty.
Whenever you call, this dick is ready.
His dick craves your pussy.
This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GawdDamn Dick
Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it.
His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar.
This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time.
While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say,
"GAWDDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

Commitment Dick
This is the gold mine dick.
This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too.
You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret.
In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it.
When you get this dick, you go through convulsions.
This is the dick that makes you ever ready.
You call in sick from work for it.
This is the dick that you want to put insurance on,
just in case anything should happen to it.
This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason.
You lay back afterwards thinking
"THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA,
GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY ... ANYBODY!  DICK"
 

Three Guys


 
Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the
garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and
sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a
soft breath that drives her wild."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and
massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through,
I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain.
Drives her fucking nuts!"

A Letter From Baby to Mother after Abortion !!!

Dear Mommy,





I am in Heaven now... I so wanted to be your little girl. I don't quite understand what has happened. I was so excited when I began realizing my existance. I was in a dark, yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping. Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me.





Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy.





That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me. The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help me." Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. It didn't stop.





Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off.





Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't; all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all. I wanted more than anything to be your daughter. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand.





And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone. The angel took me away to a wonderful place... Then I was happy. I asked the angel what was the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion". I am sorry, for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name of the monster. I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster. Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.





Love,
Your Baby Girl




PRO CHOICE? DO YOU THINK THESE BABIES CHOSE TO DIE???



This Is Dedicated To The Memory Of All The Aborted Babies Throughout The World. Please pass this on to as many people as u can... If u have a heart u will... I post it to here, coz I know u have a heart n will post it to others, so that they will know what happens to their child and all the pain the baby goes through when they abortion their baby

(STOP ABORTION PLEASE)

Book Report - Too funny!!!

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic'
And 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.


One student turned in the following book report, with the



Proposition that they were nearly identical stories!



His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read



Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and



Subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and



Subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.



Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.



Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.



Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica…..Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

DAILY SURVIVAL KIT

Today, I am giving you a
DAILY SURVIVAL KIT



 
To help you each day............
 
Toothpick ... To remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone,including yourself.
 
Rubber band ... To remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.
 
Band-Aid ... To remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
 
Eraser ... To remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.
 
Candy Kiss ... To remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.
 
Mint ... To remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.
 
Bubble Gum ... To remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
 
Pencil ... To remind you to list your blessings every day.
 
Tea Bag ... To remind you to take time to relax daily.
 
This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day
 
Wishing you love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, and warm feelings in your heart.
 
I know this kit will help you get through the day.

Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.



We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.



My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.



My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.



So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'



This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'



He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.



As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.



Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.



The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.



Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,



So ... Love the people who treat you right.



Pray for the ones who don't.



Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!



Have a blessed, garbage-free day!

Terrific Tongue Twisters to Twist Your Tongue

1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!



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2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.



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3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.



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4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.



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6. If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?



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7. I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.



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8. Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"



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9. Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.



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10. SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES



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11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.



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12. If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?



"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"



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13. We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.



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14. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.



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15. A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue



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16. If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.



17. Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

100 Simple Ways 2 Be Positive

01. Call an old friend, just to say hi.

02. Hold a door open for a stranger.

03. Invite someone to lunch.

04. Compliment someone on his or her appearance.

05. Ask a coworker for their opinion on a project.

06. Bring cookies to work.

07. Let someone cut in during rush hour traffic.

08. Leave a waitress or waiter a big tip.

09. Tell a cashier to have a nice day.

10. Call your parents.

11. Let someone know you miss them.

12. Treat someone to a movie.

13. Let a person know you really appreciate them.

14. Visit a retirement center.

15. Take a child to the zoo.

16. Fill up your spouse's car with gas.

17. Surprise someone with a small gift.

18. Leave a thank-you note for the cleaning staff at work.

19. Write a letter to a distant relative.

20. Tell someone you thought about them the other day.

21. Put a dime in a stranger's parking meter before the time expires.

22. Bake a cake for a neighbor.

23. Send someone flowers to where they work.

24. Invite a friend to tea.

25. Recommend a good book to someone.

26. Donate clothing to a charity.

27. Offer an elderly person a ride to where they need to go.

28. Bag your own groceries at the checkout counter.

29. Give blood.

30. Offer free baby-sitting to a friend who's really busy or just needs a break.



31. Help your neighbor rake leaves or shovel snow.

32. Offer your seat to someone when there aren't any left.

33. Help someone with a heavy load.

34. Ask to see a store's manager and comment on the great service.

35. Give your place in line at the grocery store to someone who has only a few items.

36. Hug someone in your family for no reason.

37. Wave to a child in the car next to you.

38. Send a thank-you note to your doctor.

39. Repeat something nice you heard about someone else.

40. Leave a joke on someone's answering machine.

41. Be a mentor or coach to someone.

42. Forgive a loan.

43. Fill up the copier machine with paper after you're done using it.

44. Tell someone you believe in them.

45. Share your umbrella on a rainy day.

46. Welcome new neighbors with flowers or a plant.

47. Offer to watch a friend's home while they're away.

48. Ask someone if they need you to pick up anything while you're out shopping.

49. Ask a child to play a board game, and let them win.

50. Ask an elderly person to tell you about the good old days.

51. During bad weather, plan an indoor picnic with the family.

52. Buy someone a goldfish and bowl.

53. Compliment someone on their cooking and politely ask for a second helping.

54. Dance with someone who hasn't been asked.

55. Tell someone you mentioned them in your prayers.

56. Give children's clothes to another family when your kids outgrow them.

57. Deliver extra vegetables from your garden to the whole neighborhood.

58. Call your spouse just to say, I love you.

59. Call someone's attention to a rainbow or beautiful sunset.

60. Invite someone to go bowling.



61. Figure out someone's half-birthday by adding 182 days, and surprise them with a cake.

62. Ask someone about their children.

63. Tell someone which quality you like most about them.

64. Brush the snow off of the car next to yours.

65. Return your shopping cart to the front of the store.

66. Encourage someone's dream, no matter how big or small it is.

67. Pay for a stranger's cup of coffee without them knowing it.

68. Leave a love letter where your partner will find it.

69. Ask an older person for their advice.

70. Offer to take care of someone's pet while they're away.

71. Tell a child you're proud of them.

72. Visit a sick person, or send them a care package.

73. Join a Big Brother or Sister program.

74. Leave a piece of candy on a coworker's desk.

75. Bring your child to work with you for the afternoon.

76. Give someone a recording of their favorite music.

77. Email a friend some information about a topic they are especially interested in.

78. Give someone a homemade gift.

79. Write a poem for someone.

80. Bake some cookies for your local fire or police department.

81. Organize a neighborhood cleanup and have a barbecue afterwards.

82. Help a child build a birdhouse or similar project.

83. Check in on an old person, just to see if they're okay.

84. Ask for the recipe after you eat over at someone's house.

85. Personally welcome a new employee at work and offer to take them out for lunch.

86. While in a car, ask everyone to buckle up because they are important to you.

87. Let someone else eat the last slice of cake or pizza.

88. Stop and buy a drink from a kid's lemonade stand.

89. Forgive someone when they apologize.

90. Wave to someone looking for a parking space when you're about to leave a shopping center.


91. Send a copy of an old photograph to a childhood friend.

92. Leave a pint of your spouse's favorite flavor of ice cream in the freezer with a bow on it.

93. Do a household chore that is usually done by someone else in the family.

94. Be especially happy for someone when they tell you their good news.

95. Compliment a coworker on their role in a successful project.

96. Give your spouse a spontaneous back rub at the end of the day.

97. Serve someone in your family breakfast in bed.

98. Ask someone if they've lost weight.

99. Make a donation to a charity in someone's honor.

100. Take a child to a ballgame.

Kanjibhai has some Whiskey

Kanjibhai goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives him the drink Kanjibhai says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 60th birthday and it’s today.’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As Kanjibhai finishes his drink, the woman to his right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

Kanjibhai says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up,’ says the bartender.

As Kanjibhai finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

Kanjibhai says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives Kanjibhai the drink, he says, 'Sir, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

Kanjibhai replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’