This is the fairy tale that should have been
read to us when we were little boys and girls:
Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful,
independent,
s elf-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow
near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping
in my castle
~~~ ~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can
prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~ ~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream
sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't f**kin' think so.
Mar 19, 2010
OH MAN I'M TIRED!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills, and balanced the check book.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills, and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."
on the other hand....
A Husband wrote the following letter for his Wife and left it on the
dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
value you as a good Wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you
that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at
our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read
this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,
virile, and like your secretary, is
18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same
situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot
more times than 54 goes into 18!!!
dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
value you as a good Wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I
hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you
that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at
our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read
this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young,
virile, and like your secretary, is
18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same
situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot
more times than 54 goes into 18!!!
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!
dogs
A boy meets his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair.
Unfortunately, it was a large dinner with plenty of cauliflower and sprouts ( you know - the kind your mother in law probably makes!!) and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked.
The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
My best feature?
A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think
that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me."
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think
that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me."
Being Pregnent
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.
"My dear Mr. Wilson", she gushed, "Fancy meeting you here on the bus. I am glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.
"My dear Mr. Wilson", she gushed, "Fancy meeting you here on the bus. I am glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail."
Different Vacations
Billy and Joe were talking one afternoon. Billy tells Joe, "You know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation." He continues, "Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Eva got pregnant." "Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Eva got pregnant again." "Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Eva didn't get pregnant again." Joe asks Billy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy says, "This year I'm taking Eva with me." |
Smart Kid
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding
a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father
asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding
a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father
asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Funniest newspaper adz
Top 9 Funniest News p aper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
*************
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
*************
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
*************
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
*************
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
*************
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
*************
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
*************
7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
*************
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
*************
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work)
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
*************
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)
*************
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
(sure...thanx for the warning!)
*************
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
*************
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
*************
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
*************
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
*************
7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)
*************
8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)
*************
9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work)
"How do you spell 'Ooops?"
A man was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He
asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like
you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling
yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and
bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try
this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked
and waiting. As the two began, they found
themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments
later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired
the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off
my 'unit' and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air!"
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He
asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like
you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling
yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and
bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try
this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked
and waiting. As the two began, they found
themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments
later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired
the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off
my 'unit' and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air!"
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