Jan 13, 2010
A Fascinating Story
A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband,dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard's outer office.
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.
She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.
They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him.
And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly. "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery". "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue.
We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent.
The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.
The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. And Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
********
"You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them." Malcolm Forbes
********
Boy and Tree
There was one time a very young boy, who used to spend time playing by a tree.
One day he got bored and he said to the tree, "I'm bored, I've played with these toys too many times!"
The tree replied, "OK, you can climb up on me and play on my branches."
The boy got really happy with this suggestion and he had a lot of fun playing and sitting high up, on the branches of the tree.
When he started school, he spent more time away from the tree, but one day he came back to it, and the tree was overjoyed to see its young companion, and it encouraged him to climb on, but he refused.
"My clothes are going to get dirty if I climb up on you."
So the tree thought for a while, and said, "OK, bring a rope and tie it to me, and you can use my branches as a swing."
The boy liked that idea, so he did that too, and would come back every other day to sit for a while on that swing.
Whenever he used to get hot, the tree told him to rest in its shade.
As he got older, and moved on to college, times became harder on him and he ran short of food, so he went back to the tree which he had stopped visiting for a long time.
The tree recognised him immediately and welcomed him, but he was hungry and complained to the tree, "I don't have any food to eat, my stomach is cringing with hunger."
So the tree said, "Pull down my branches and take off the fruit, and fill yourself up."
The young guy didn't even hesitate, but jumped up and tore off one of the smaller branches and ate to his fill.
Over the weeks, he tore off all the branches and ate all the fruit.
After the fruits had all gone, he went away and didn't come back to the tree.
When he reached his middle ages, he came back to the tree and said to it, "I have been very successful in life.
I have earned a lot of money, I have a huge house and I have found a great wife.
Now I want to travel and see the world."
The tree was now very old, but to help its long time companion, it didn't wait, and said, "Bring a saw, cut off my trunk and make a boat. Then you will see the wonders of the world."
So again, without hesitation the man cut down the tree.
The same tree which he had played on, ate its fruit, laid in its shade; he cut it down and made a boat.
As soon as it was finished, he sailed away and wasn't seen by his people again.
One day, an old man, walked past the tree.
It hadnt recovered from the time he had cut it down. He went up to the tree, but didn't say anything.
He felt the tears coming down from his eyes.
This time the tree spoke in a faint voice, "I'm sorry. I don't have a trunk for you to climb, nor fruit for you to eat, nor branches of shade for you to lie in. All I have now are my deep roots."
The old man whispered, "That's fine. Tree roots are the best place to lie down, snuggle up and sleep after a long life."
The tree symbolizes our parents, and the boy symbolizes us.
The moral of the story is that we make use of our parents like tissue, and use them all up, and don't even give thanks, but they stay with us till the very end.
One day he got bored and he said to the tree, "I'm bored, I've played with these toys too many times!"
The tree replied, "OK, you can climb up on me and play on my branches."
The boy got really happy with this suggestion and he had a lot of fun playing and sitting high up, on the branches of the tree.
When he started school, he spent more time away from the tree, but one day he came back to it, and the tree was overjoyed to see its young companion, and it encouraged him to climb on, but he refused.
"My clothes are going to get dirty if I climb up on you."
So the tree thought for a while, and said, "OK, bring a rope and tie it to me, and you can use my branches as a swing."
The boy liked that idea, so he did that too, and would come back every other day to sit for a while on that swing.
Whenever he used to get hot, the tree told him to rest in its shade.
As he got older, and moved on to college, times became harder on him and he ran short of food, so he went back to the tree which he had stopped visiting for a long time.
The tree recognised him immediately and welcomed him, but he was hungry and complained to the tree, "I don't have any food to eat, my stomach is cringing with hunger."
So the tree said, "Pull down my branches and take off the fruit, and fill yourself up."
The young guy didn't even hesitate, but jumped up and tore off one of the smaller branches and ate to his fill.
Over the weeks, he tore off all the branches and ate all the fruit.
After the fruits had all gone, he went away and didn't come back to the tree.
When he reached his middle ages, he came back to the tree and said to it, "I have been very successful in life.
I have earned a lot of money, I have a huge house and I have found a great wife.
Now I want to travel and see the world."
The tree was now very old, but to help its long time companion, it didn't wait, and said, "Bring a saw, cut off my trunk and make a boat. Then you will see the wonders of the world."
So again, without hesitation the man cut down the tree.
The same tree which he had played on, ate its fruit, laid in its shade; he cut it down and made a boat.
As soon as it was finished, he sailed away and wasn't seen by his people again.
One day, an old man, walked past the tree.
It hadnt recovered from the time he had cut it down. He went up to the tree, but didn't say anything.
He felt the tears coming down from his eyes.
This time the tree spoke in a faint voice, "I'm sorry. I don't have a trunk for you to climb, nor fruit for you to eat, nor branches of shade for you to lie in. All I have now are my deep roots."
The old man whispered, "That's fine. Tree roots are the best place to lie down, snuggle up and sleep after a long life."
The tree symbolizes our parents, and the boy symbolizes us.
The moral of the story is that we make use of our parents like tissue, and use them all up, and don't even give thanks, but they stay with us till the very end.
Laloo Ji Jokes
Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush thesecurity guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...
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Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and LasVegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR" At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
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After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling. Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears frontpage of a newspaper.
GUESS THE CAPTION !! "Laloo, third from left!"
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Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient, " hestated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
#######################################################
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and LasVegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR" At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
#######################################################
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling. Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears frontpage of a newspaper.
GUESS THE CAPTION !! "Laloo, third from left!"
#######################################################
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient, " hestated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
NO LEFT TURN--The best I have read in a LONG TIME!! PJH
This is very long, but a wonderful story. Enjoy!
This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed. Here goes...
My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.
He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.
"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."
At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
"Oh, bull----!" she said. "He hit a horse."
"Well," my father said, "there was that, too."
So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.
My father, a newspaperman inDes Moines
My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. "No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.
But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one." It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.
But, sure enough, my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.
It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.
Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.
So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember him saying more than once
For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.
Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.
(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)
He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church..
She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.
If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."
After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored.."
If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"
"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.
"No left turns," he said.
"What?" I asked.
"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.
As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."
"What?" I said again.
"No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."
"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support.
"No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works."
But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."
I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.
"Loses count?" I asked.
"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."
I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.
"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."
My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.
She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year, at 102.
They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)
He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.
One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.
A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred." At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."
"You're probably right," I said.
"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.
"Because you're 102 years old," I said
"Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.
That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.
He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:
"I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"
An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:
"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."
A short time later, he died.
I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.
I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life,
Or because he quit taking left turns. "
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.
He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.
"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."
At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
"Oh, bull----!" she said. "He hit a horse."
"Well," my father said, "there was that, too."
So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.
My father, a newspaperman in
My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. "No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.
But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one." It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.
But, sure enough, my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.
It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.
Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.
So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember him saying more than once
For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.
Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.
(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)
He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church..
She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.
If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."
After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored.."
If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"
"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.
"No left turns," he said.
"What?" I asked.
"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.
As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."
"What?" I said again.
"No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."
"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support.
"No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works."
But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."
I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.
"Loses count?" I asked.
"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."
I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.
"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."
My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.
She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year, at 102.
They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)
He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.
One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.
A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred." At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."
"You're probably right," I said.
"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.
"Because you're 102 years old," I said
"Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.
That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.
He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:
"I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"
An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:
"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."
A short time later, he died.
I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.
I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life,
Or because he quit taking left turns. "
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the one's who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance,take it & if it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would
most likely be worth it."
ENJOY LIFE NOW - IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE!
Wednesday's Smiles
Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river, see, my suit's still damp. Ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss.
"But that's what happened! Why don't you believe me?"
"Simple, Harry, no woman has EVER gotten ready in ten minutes!”
I love you more today than yesterday...
Yesterday you really got on my nerves.
I had moved to South Carolina from New York New York State
I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn. Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the three-dollar fee.
I was shocked. "Is that all you have to do to let it pass inspection?" I asked.
"Well," he answered, "you drove it here, didn't you?”
Why Women Need Catalogs:
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even HE is against me?’
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went down another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later.
The diver went down another 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote: "How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote: "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!”
January 13th Stolen Jokes
Forest Gump Goes To Heaven
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one," says St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts St., Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Bye-Bye Lexus!
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.
The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."
Top Ten Reason God Created Eve:
#10 God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he would not ask for directions.
#9 God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
#8 God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
#7 God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for him self.
#6 God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
#5 God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
#4 As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
#3 Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
#2 As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
#1 And the #1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.) God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared: "I can do better than that."
It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.
All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?"
The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "Tiger Woods. CAN I GO NOW?"
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one," says St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts St., Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Bye-Bye Lexus!
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. " You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.
The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."
Top Ten Reason God Created Eve:
#10 God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he would not ask for directions.
#9 God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
#8 God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
#7 God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for him self.
#6 God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
#5 God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
#4 As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
#3 Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
#2 As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
#1 And the #1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.) God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared: "I can do better than that."
It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.
All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?"
The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "Tiger Woods. CAN I GO NOW?"
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