"The Toilet"

A man won an all expense paid trip to New York. Of course, he was freaking stoked about it, so he went.

When he arrived at the hotel, he let himself be escorted to the room. It was glorious, with a big screen T.V. with satellite service, thousands of channels, porn, PPV and all, a king size bed, free long distance, DSL internet, and a bathroom the size of his living room.

He had thought throughout the tour, that this place was just too great to leave. So he decided to stay there instead of wandering the hectic streets of New York City. Well, first off, he had to take a shit after the long plane ride, so he headed to the bathroom. He sat down at the toilet, took his dump, then noticed that there was not T.P.. He was a bit pissed, but then he saw three buttons on the side of the shitter.

 

He thought, "..the bellhop had said not to use them...but....what the fuck can it hurt, right?..."

So, he pressed the first button, and a jet of water shot at his ass, cleaning the crap away.

"..Whoa shit, that was weird....oh well....kinda cool though..."

 

He pressed the next one, and his hole was blow-dryed.

"...Heh-heh..that's awesome..all clean and dry..."

 

He thought for a second, and pressed the third button, then felt the worst pain in his life, causing him to pass out right then and there. He woke up about fifteen minutes later in an ambulance, and was looking around, settling his eyes on the nurse.

 

"...Wha-...what happened?..."

The nurse replied " Sir, you pressed the third button on the toilet."

"...Why am I in an ambulance?...

" The nurse hesitated for a moment. "Sir, the third button was the switch for a tampon remover. We're taking you to the hospital to have your penis reattached."

......weird.....yes........funny...............yes...........

Sorority Girl

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?

Her ankles.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. You could eat a
bowling ball if you had to.

You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.

How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.

What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
Sorority girls cost less per score.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.

How do you equalize the two?

Feed the elephant.

What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself. Walks home.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?

Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.

What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."

What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?

Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...

Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.

How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie
on the bed.

Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

_______________

 

A man cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered
into her ear:"Could we make love, please dear?"
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache,"
she replied."Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute,"
pleaded her husband. His wife replied:
"What do you think I am, a fucking microwave?

One Liners

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while
driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and
the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they
wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get
tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll
take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees
with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always
with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than
doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address
books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it
for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality
just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like
asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has
it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has
it!

Grand-pa

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
His grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
Chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
The waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in
The wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed .

The old man looked off in the distance without
Answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
Nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
And I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

5 OBSERVATIONS...!!

 1. Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the People gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella...

 THAT’S FAITH

2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her...

THAT'S TRUST

 3. Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next Morning but still we set the alarms in our watch to wake up...

 THAT’S HOPE

4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties. ..

THAT’S CONFIDENCE

5. We see the world suffering. We know there is every possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married??.. .

THAT'S OVER CONFIDENCE!!

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."