GreenGod's Blog: April 2011

Apr 30, 2011

How The Word 'Boob' Was Invented

How the word 'Boob' was invented

Now you know!

BAD TO WORSE

Bad To Worse

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.

Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.

Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.

Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.

Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.

Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.

Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.

Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.

Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife's kinky.

Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your son is finally maturing

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your son is dating someone new

Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job

Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Are They All Yours?

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!'
An'when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!

UK Government Agrees To Adopt "Euro-English"

European English:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza peple

Many a true word stated in jest, eh?

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

***********

1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

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2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

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3) LUNCH BREAK:

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

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4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

***********

5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

***********

6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Revenge of an Ex-wife

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad t he smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....
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Including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?????

Golden Words are Never Repeated

Champions aren't made in the gyms.
Champions are made from something they have
deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision."
~Muhammad Ali~

"Every day offers you 10,000 reasons to cry, but if you can find
just one reason to laugh then you will be all right."
~Maya Angelou~

Some people are making such thorough preparation
For rainy days that they aren't enjoying today's sunshine.
~William Feather~

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to
Say and then don't say it."
~Sam Levenson~

Never bear more than one trouble at a time. Some people bear
Three kinds---
all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.
~Edward Everett Hale~

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right,
you'll probably never do much of anything."
~Win Borden~

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."
~Helen Keller~

"Think wrongly, if you please, but in all cases think for yourself."
~Doris Lessing~

Life is a glass given to us to fill;
A busy life is filling it with as much as it can hold;
A hurried life has had more poured into it than it can contain.
~William Adams Brown~

"The road of life twists and turns and
no two directions are ever the same.
Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination."
~Unknown~

Never give way to anger - otherwise in one moment you could
burn up the joy that you collected over a long period.
~unknown~

The most difficult thing I have ever had
to do is follow the guidance I prayed for.
~Albert Schweitzer~

"There are some people who live in a dream world,
and there are some who
face reality; and then there are those
who turn one into the other."
~Douglas H. Everett

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life,
the whole aim and end of human existence.
~Aristotl~

Vibrator

Finally a vibrator for men....

Do You Suffer From Facebook Addiction Disorder?

You won’t find Facebook Addiction Disorder in a medical textbook, but more and more folks are finding it harder and harder to stay away from the social network.

A few experts have thrown around the figure of some 350 million FAD sufferers — about half of Facebook’s total membership log on at least once a day.

Okay, so you might be sloughing off what I’ve said so far, “Nah, I don’t have FAD, this broad is looney!”

Take the following quick test and see if you might be certifiable — like we are.

Instead of jonesing for coffee first in the morning, do you instead start your day with your laptop — or your smartphone — in order to log on to Facebook?
Do you find yourself fantasizing about composing that next great Facebook status update every time you and your partner are in the throes of romance?
Has your child’s preschool teacher issued you a final warning because of far too many late pickups which is attributed to your inability to tear away from a Facebook page?
Do your Facebook friends have to know every time you go to the bathroom and what you’ve produced?
Is your only mode of communication with your husband or kids via Facebook?
Have you enrolled in a costly photography course so that your Facebook pics become the talk of your circle?
Have you resorted to paying off strangers to become your Facebook friend so that your number defies all logic?
Do you retain the services of a private investigator whenever you fail to find a long lost friend on Facebook?
Whenever you fight with your significant other do you feel compelled to change your Facebook relationship status?
Did you quit your job because your employer put a halt on all internet activities within the company?
Has your Facebook addiction resulted in your resembling one of the “Twilight” vampires because you haven’t seen the light of day since the year of the flood?
Have you become a mute since you no longer have to use speech to communicate on Facebook?
Have you had your eyelids Crazy Glued to remain wide open, so that sleep never sets in to interrupt your Facebook time? Or better yet, do you keep smelling salts next to you at all times as you peck away on your computer?

If you answered “yes” to at least one of these questions, you definitely have FAD. Welcome to the club!

If you’re a Facebook addict like we are, don’t worry: As long as you give your fingers a break in order to avoid arthritis and check into the real world every now and then, you can just keep having fun.

There are also an estimated 500-plus groups for Facebook addicts that have been created on the social networking site, where members joke about their dependence.

Readers, please tell us in the comments section all about your experiences with Facebook addiction.

Management Lesson Kutta, Sher Aur Bandar

Ek din ek kutta jungle main raasta kho gaya .

Tabhi usane dekha ek sher uskii taraf aa raha hai.

Kutte ki saans rookh gayi.. "Aaj to kaam tamaam mera!" usne socha.

Phir usne saamane kuchh sookhi haddiyan padi dekhi. Woh aate hue sher ki taraf peeth kar ke baith gaya aur ek sookhi hadii ko choosane laga aur zor zor se bolne laga, "wah! Sher ko khaane ka maza hi kuchh aur hai. Ek aur mil jaaye to poori daawat ho jayegi!"

Aur usne zor se dakaar mara. Yeh Sun ke Sher sakate mein aa gayaa. Usne Socha "ye kutta to sher ka shikar karta hai! Jaan bacha kara bhago!"

Aur sher wahan se champat ho gaya .

Ped par baitha ek Bandar yeh sab tamasha dekh raha tha.

Usne socha yeh mauka achha hai sher ko sari kahani bata deta hoon - Sher se dosti ho jayegi aur usase zindagi bhar ke liye jaan ka khatra dur ho jayega.

Who phataphat sher ke pichhe bhaga. Kutte ne Bandar ko jaate hue dekh liya aur samajh gayaki koi locha hai. Udhar Bandar ne sher ko sab bata diya ki kaise kutte ne use bewakoof banaya hai.

Sher zor se dahada, "chal mere saath abhi uski leela khatam karta hoon" aur Bandar ko apani peeth par baitha kar sher kutte ki taraf lapka.

Can u imagine the quick management by the DOG...

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