English is a Very Phunny Language

A humorous poem: For your pleasure only.

Only the English could have invented this language!!!
 
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!   Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.   And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?   If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.   In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?   You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.   And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?   And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.   And let's not forget the Americans, who changed s to z, but that's another story.

Signs Spotted In Bars!

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Signs Spotted In Bars! If life is a waste of time, And time is a waste of life, Then let's all get wasted together And have the time of our lives.    Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity.  The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO       No matter how good she looks, Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit. Men ' s Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC       =0 A It's hard to make a comeback When you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg , AZ      Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT         If voting could really change things, It would be illegal. Revolution Books New York , New York .       If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Men's restroom House of Representatives,  Washington , DC      Express Lane: Five beers or less. Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ       You're too good for him.. Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA          No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA       ~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~     A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, You're going to have trouble with it.  Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX 0      HAPPINESS     To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.  To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________    LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...