Old Lady in the Mirror

A very weird thing has happened.  A strange old lady has moved into my house.  I have no idea where she came from, or how she got in.  I certainly did not invite her.  All I know is that one day, she wasn't there, and the next day, she was.

She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her.  And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.  This is very rude.  I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.  Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me.  I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later it's all gone.   I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me.  You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.  She needs it.  And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing.   Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate - especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy.  I can't seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore.   She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds.  I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish.  She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit.  And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything.  this is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.  She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me.  She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I can't read it.   And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone.  Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn.  She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.  Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.  Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes.  When I try something on, she stands in front of the mirror and monopolizes it.  She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.   She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!  No one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me. - originally submitted as source unknow but actualy from Patsy Clairmont's book NORMAL IS JUST A SETTING ON YOUR DRYER

Now that you have reached the end - what did you see in the picture at the top of this page?  Did you see an old lady or did you see a young woman?  It is possible to see both if you let yourself look at the picture from different perspectives.

Love and Marriage explained beautifully

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.





But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back o pick."





The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.





Then he saw another bigger one... But may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.





Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.





So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.





The teacher told him, "...this is love... You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person...."





*"What is marriage then?" the student asked.





The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."





The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher.





The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... This is marriage."

Party Crashers

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

-

-

-

"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

Very official love letter

To
Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. At 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)

AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

*********

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

*********

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

*********



Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

*********

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

*********

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

*********

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

*********

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

*********

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

*********

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

*********

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

*********

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

*********

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

INSPIRATIONAL LEGENDS

He Rescues The Birds



Once, while riding through the country with some other lawyers, Abraham Lincoln was missed from the party, and was seen loitering near a thicket of wild plum trees where the men had Stopped a short time before to water their horses.



" Where is Lincoln?" asked one of the lawyers.





" When I saw him last," answered another, " he had caught two young birds that the wind had blown out of their nest, and was hunting for the nest to put them back again."



As Lincoln joined them, the lawyers rallied him on his tender-heartedness, and he said: --



" I could not have slept unless I had restored those little birds to their mother."




-----------------------------------



Growing Older



When the poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was well along in years, his hair was white but he



Was still a vigorous man. Someone asked him why this was so.



The poet pointed to an apple tree in bloom and said, " That tree is very old, but I never saw prettier blossoms on it that it now bears. That tree grows new wood each year. Like that apple tree, I try to grow a little new wood each year ."



-----------------------------------


Be A Better Person




A Young student approached the famous French scientist and philosopher, Blaise Pascal, and declared, " If I had your brains, I would be a better person."


Pondering the depth of that statement, Pascal paused momentarily before replying, " Be a better person, and you will have my brains."

Lawyer story

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.


The lawyer sued... And WON!

(Stay with me.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

THINGS MAY NOT BE WHAT THEY APPEAR

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room.

Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,

"Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. >

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?

The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.

Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

Balu prasad yadav

Balu Prasad Yadav driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.

When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere.

Balu scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.

When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.

Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.

"What happened!?!" says B.P.Yadav.

The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"

Difference between appraisal and resignation

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"


Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation? "


Trainee: "Yes I do"


Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"


Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation


**********

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.


In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.



**********

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.


In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.


**********

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.


During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.


**********

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.


There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.



**********

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign ... !!!"


**********

Words women use

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


***********


Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.


Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


***********


Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".


***********


Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!


***********


Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".


***********


That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


***********


Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

NICE ONE

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,

"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Aquainted

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.

A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. she tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. she tried to step up onto the steps again.

But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time.

She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt.

He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing."

Well the man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was aquainted."

Be A Lake

The old Master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink it.



"How does it taste?" the Master asked.




"Awful," spat the apprentice.




The Master chuckled and then asked the young man to take another handful of salt and put it in the lake.




The two walked in silence to the nearby lake and when the apprentice swirled his handful of salt into the lake,




The old man said, "Now drink from the lake."




As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the Master asked, "How does it taste?"




"Good!" remarked the apprentice. "Do you taste the salt?" asked the Master. "No," said the young man.




The Master sat beside this troubled young man, took his hands, and said,




"The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less.




The amount of pain in life remains the same, exactly the same. But the amount we taste the 'pain' depends on the container we put it into.




So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things .....




Stop being a glass. Become a lake!"

It's Called Mindset

As I was passing the elephants, I suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg.


No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from the ropes they were tied to but for some reason, they did not.I saw a trainer near by and asked why these beautiful, magnificent animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away.






"Well," he said, "when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it's enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.


"I was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn't, they were stuck right where they were.Like the elephants,


**********


How many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before? So make an attempt to grow further....


**********

"YOUR ATTEMPT MAY FAIL, BUT NEVER FAIL TO MAKE AN ATTEMPT."

Do something nice

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."


Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.


Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.


"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

school answering machine

This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.


This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.


The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.


*********************The outgoing message:***************************


'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5

* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

* To complain about bus transport - Press 9

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0


LASTLY:

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!


If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is England, now piss off.

Mamas Bible ...

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.



Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.




The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."



The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."



The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."




The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."



The other brothers were impressed.



After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.




She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."




"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."




"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."




"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."



Luv Ya, Mama

Sheikhs Son

Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:




"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."




Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar cheque saying:




"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"

Punjabi Girl

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from New Delhi , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Bombay .

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Punjabi girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Dirty Blonde Jokes

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.

Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.

 Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refrigerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.

Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.

 

Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.

Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

 

Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

 

Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?

A: Einstein's dick.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.

 

Q: What did the blonde say during a porno?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"

Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.

 

Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.

LITTLE JOHNNY AND LITTLE TOMMY

Little Johnny and Little Tommy went over to Little Johnny's house to
play. Little Johnny's mother overheard them playing in his big sister's
room.

"Little Johnny, I've looked and looked but I don't see any tigers,
clowns or elephants," Little Tommy complained.

Little Johnny asked him what he meant, and he explained, "I overheard
some high school boys say your sister was a three-ring circus."

Little Johnny's mother smiled at the innocence of the boys, until she
heard Little Johnny's explanation:

"Oh that, that just means that on the first date she'll suck your cock,
on the second date she'll fuck you, and on the third date she'll let you
fuck her up the ass!"

 

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

 

A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became
bored.

"Hey, let's play a game" she said.

"What game?" was his bored reply.

"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me,"
replied the blonde.

"What if I can't find you?" he answered, still bored.

"I'll be behind the piano," she said.

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

 

A Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA
batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this
way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't
need the batteries."

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

Q: What's a real mate?
A: Someone who'll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one
….when he returns.

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

Q: Why do ballerinas wear tights?
A: So when they do the splits they don't stick to the ground.

Q: What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.