Are you Quallified to be a Professional? (Hilarious)

Are you qualified to be a professional

 

The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.

 

The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

 

Scroll down for the answers.

 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator,
put in the giraffe
and close the door.

 

This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

 

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

Incorrect answer:
Open the refrigerator,
put in the elephant
and shut the refrigerator.

 

Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator,
take out the giraffe,
put in the elephant
and close the door.

 

This question tests your foresight.

 

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?

 

 

 

Correct answer:
The elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator!

 

This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

 

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one
may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a
professional.

 

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4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it? (You dont have a boat!)

 

 

 

Correct Answer:
Simply swim through it.
All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!

 

This question tests your reasoning ability.

 

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If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

 

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

 

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

 

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

 

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as politics.

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something: 1. Make sure the man is conscious. 1a. Then give him a Blow Job 2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section. 3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max. 3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job 4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. 5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job. 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt". 7. When all else fails ... Blow Job. OK, seven rules.     How to Piss Off A Woman Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling. Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes." Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her. Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out. Fake your own orgasm while dining out. Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse. After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER (Back By Popular Demand) Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else; some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is? Love, Dan

LAWS OF REALITY

Laws Of Reality   Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become Coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.   Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll To the least accessible corner.   Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, You never get a busy signal.   Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late For work because you had a flat tire, the very next Morning you will have a flat tire on the way to work.   Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), The one you were in will start to move faster than the One you are in then.   Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in Water, the telephone rings.   Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting Someone you know increases when you are with someone You don't want to be seen with.   Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone That a machine won't work, it will.   Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is Inversely proportional to the reach.   Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are Furthest from the aisle arrive last   Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot Coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which Will last until the coffee is cold.   Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people In a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.   Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an Open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a Floor covering are directly correlated to the newness And cost of the carpet/rug.   Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you Are.   Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you Don't know what you are talking about.   Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.   Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.