# Sign on a railway station at Patna :
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.
# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay :
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!
# Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.
# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay :
we need your heads to run our business.
# A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....
#THE BEST ONE :
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god.'
- Indian Armed Forces
Apr 26, 2010
Computers - Males or Females????
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."
One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain.
So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for them.
He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."
One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain.
So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for them.
Lion Tamer
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer. Two young people showed up. One was a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other was an attractive woman about the same age.
"I'm not going to sugarcoat it," the circus owner said to them, "This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a tranquilizer gun, just in case. Who wants to go first?"
"I'll go first," the girl said. She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage.
The lion began to snarl and pant and then charge toward her. Just then, she threw open her coat and revealed her beautiful nude body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to the woman and started licking her ankles. He continued upward to lick her calves, then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he said. He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," the young man replied. "Just get that lion out of the cage!"
"I'm not going to sugarcoat it," the circus owner said to them, "This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a tranquilizer gun, just in case. Who wants to go first?"
"I'll go first," the girl said. She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage.
The lion began to snarl and pant and then charge toward her. Just then, she threw open her coat and revealed her beautiful nude body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to the woman and started licking her ankles. He continued upward to lick her calves, then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he said. He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," the young man replied. "Just get that lion out of the cage!"
Picture Frame
A woman brought a picture into a frame shop to be framed.
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said. He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames. "Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper turned the frame over, studied the back and said to the woman, "Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed, "What kind of girl do you think I am?!"
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said. He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames. "Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper turned the frame over, studied the back and said to the woman, "Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed, "What kind of girl do you think I am?!"
Baseball Musings
We were sitting down watching the game and letting our minds wander the other day, when all these thoughts about baseball just started occurring to us:
Some baseball players are going to make more money this year than Mexico.
Baseball players wish reporters would stop asking them about salaries, drugs, and sex so the players can concentrate on the things that matter to them: salaries, drugs, and sex.
Scientists claim that dogs will eat anything that's put in front of them, just like baseball fans.
Baseball salaries are incredible. It costs more to buy a baseball team than it costs to buy an election.
Every baseball season, the fans are afraid the players on their team will be traded, and the fans of the (insert losing team here) are afraid their players won't be.
More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is ruining the AstroTurf.
It's not that baseball is boring, but they could add a lot of excitement to the game if they'd give everybody a bat and have a goalie guarding home plate.
Spring training is very important. It gives all the Dominican players time to learn how to say "renegotiate" in English.
There's something wrong with society when you can save up $2 million and still not be able to buy a left-handed pitcher.
After football, basketball and hockey, finally, baseball - a whistle-free game a man can sleep through.
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning, the DH drives all the drunk fans home?
Lights, camera, spit!
Some baseball players are going to make more money this year than Mexico.
Baseball players wish reporters would stop asking them about salaries, drugs, and sex so the players can concentrate on the things that matter to them: salaries, drugs, and sex.
Scientists claim that dogs will eat anything that's put in front of them, just like baseball fans.
Baseball salaries are incredible. It costs more to buy a baseball team than it costs to buy an election.
Every baseball season, the fans are afraid the players on their team will be traded, and the fans of the (insert losing team here) are afraid their players won't be.
More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is ruining the AstroTurf.
It's not that baseball is boring, but they could add a lot of excitement to the game if they'd give everybody a bat and have a goalie guarding home plate.
Spring training is very important. It gives all the Dominican players time to learn how to say "renegotiate" in English.
There's something wrong with society when you can save up $2 million and still not be able to buy a left-handed pitcher.
After football, basketball and hockey, finally, baseball - a whistle-free game a man can sleep through.
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning, the DH drives all the drunk fans home?
Lights, camera, spit!
Workplace Lingo
Ever wonder about the meaning of all those new words that are being spoken around the water cooler? Here's a handy guide to all those new words and their definitions:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or why a project failed and who was responsible.
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs, as in, "We had three serious students in the class. The rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.
CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among micro-serfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot, for example, is a serious CLM.
CEB (Career Ending Blunder) - A really serious CLM.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM and CEB)
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. This term is derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip. Example: "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week!"
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.
SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and have someone else get the benefit.
404 - A state of cluelessness. Derived from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested document could not be located. An example: "Don't bother asking him, he's 404, man!"
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device just right to get it to work again.
GOOD QUESTION - Any question a member of management cannot answer.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or why a project failed and who was responsible.
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs, as in, "We had three serious students in the class. The rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.
CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among micro-serfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot, for example, is a serious CLM.
CEB (Career Ending Blunder) - A really serious CLM.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM and CEB)
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. This term is derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip. Example: "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week!"
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.
SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and have someone else get the benefit.
404 - A state of cluelessness. Derived from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested document could not be located. An example: "Don't bother asking him, he's 404, man!"
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device just right to get it to work again.
GOOD QUESTION - Any question a member of management cannot answer.
Non-stop Flight
A mathematician was flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time was nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announced that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure. "Don't worry, we're safe," he assured the passengers. "The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informed the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure. "But don't worry," he added. "We're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine failed and had to be turned off. The pilot came over the intercom with the news. "Don't worry," he once again stated, "Even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will now take sixteen hours for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician turned to a fellow passenger and remarked, "If the last engine breaks down, we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
Eye Examination
A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination.
"I'm getting married soon," the girl told the doctor as he examined her.
After he completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."
"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked.
"Because, Miss," said the doctor, "I don't believe in specs before marriage!"
"I'm getting married soon," the girl told the doctor as he examined her.
After he completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."
"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked.
"Because, Miss," said the doctor, "I don't believe in specs before marriage!"
First Child
A man's wife was in labor with their first child. They were sitting at home relaxing when suddenly, she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"
Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening. "Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She's shouting out, 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!' over and over again, with an occasional Isn't! and Won't! thrown in. What's going on? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is wrong with my wife?" the man was frantic.
"Not to worry," said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there."
"But what is it?" queried the husband.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly normal and part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's all!"
Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening. "Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She's shouting out, 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!' over and over again, with an occasional Isn't! and Won't! thrown in. What's going on? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is wrong with my wife?" the man was frantic.
"Not to worry," said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there."
"But what is it?" queried the husband.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly normal and part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's all!"
Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!
Bee In My Pussy
One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the woman's pussy.
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realizes it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The doctor replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realizes it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The doctor replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
99.95% Wrong Answer Challenge
*It is a 99.95% challenge that u will have a wrong answer to the question asked in the passage...*
Once there was loving couple travelling in a bus in a mountainous area. They decided to get down at some place.
After the couple got down at some place the bus moved on. As the bus moved on, a huge rock fell on the bus from the mountain and crushed the bus to crumbs. Everybody on board was killed. The couple upon seeing that, said, "*We wish we were on that bus*" Why do u think they said that ?
Scroll down for answer...
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------------------- Answer !!!! -------------------
*If they had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get down, the resulting time delay could have been avoided and the rock would have fallen
after the bus had passed ..!!!*
*Think positive in life always and look for opportunities when u can help others
....Many times in life, the opposite of Success is not Failure, its
Quitting. Winners never quit, quitters never Win....*
Accident Report
Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the
forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”
“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
“I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.”
“No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”
“I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.”
“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.”
“The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
“The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.”
“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.”
“I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.”
“My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back.”
“I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”
“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”
“When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
“As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”
“A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”
forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”
“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”
“I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.”
“No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”
“I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.”
“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.”
“The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
“The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.”
“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.”
“I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”
“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.”
“My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back.”
“I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”
“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”
“When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”
“As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”
“A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”
Never even had a chance
A foursome of guys is waiting at the tee while a foursome of women are teeing off. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it
10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely, then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f–king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help much.”
One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck…..
10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely, then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f–king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help much.”
One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck…..
Doctor's Receptionist
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
A Quickie in the Bushes
Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh,
yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you shit on its head.'
----------AND WERE YOU THINKING????
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh,
yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you shit on its head.'
----------AND WERE YOU THINKING????
Got Water?
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping
to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old
Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you,but I must find water first!
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead..
'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'
LESSON FOR TODAY:
Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass. In the process, we end up in trouble.
And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember:
Not everyone who shows up, is there to help you!
55098)
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR !!
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
20 Lines to make you smile :)
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! To kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! To kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Top 5 summer flirting tips
Karina Bose was watching Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa and couldn't stop laughing when Suchitra Krishnamoorthi got angry after Shah Rukh Khan called her a flirt.
A surprised Karina says, "What was so insulting about it? What's wrong with a little harmless flirting!" We're with you Karina! There's nothing wrong about it. In fact, it can mean a lot of fun.
Haven't tried it yet? Well you are missing out on something, so here are some tips.
Look shy and sexy
Neha Arora, 26, an MBA student, says you should dress in a sexy manner, without looking provocative. "You might end up attracting the wrong kind of guys, if you're showing too much skin," she says.
Neha uses the coy, vulnerable look instead. "And boy, does it work! I have got myself a lot of dates with that look," she says.
Use your eyes
Rebecca Ferreira, a 25-year-old textile designer, says using your eyes is the best way to communicate. "Once he catches your eye, raise your eyebrow and give him the once-over from top to bottom and back again!
Then flash a flirtatious smile in his direction and he'll instantly be drawn towards you," she says.
Use the magic touch
"It helps to get a little touchy-feely when you are flirting," says 23-year-old psychology student Anita Rebello. She suggests you pretend to reach out just beyond the guy's shoulder and (innocently!) put your hand on his shoulder.
"You don't need to do much. A light touch will communicate your interest," she adds.
Body language
"Always keep your cool and don't appear too eager," advises Karuna Pradhan, a 27-year-old interior decorator. But let yourself loose. Yes, we mean literally!
"Don't hold your limbs too tightly against your body. Maintain a little distance, but not so much that you are completely out of his personal space," Karuna says.
Flirting is a great stress reliever, but if you don't intend to take him home with you for the night, don't take it too far. Learn the difference between harmless flirting and giving out a signal that you're available for some naughty fun.
"It's safest to flirt while you are hanging out with your friends. If things get out of hand, you have help at hand," adds Neha.
A surprised Karina says, "What was so insulting about it? What's wrong with a little harmless flirting!" We're with you Karina! There's nothing wrong about it. In fact, it can mean a lot of fun.
Haven't tried it yet? Well you are missing out on something, so here are some tips.
Look shy and sexy
Neha Arora, 26, an MBA student, says you should dress in a sexy manner, without looking provocative. "You might end up attracting the wrong kind of guys, if you're showing too much skin," she says.
Neha uses the coy, vulnerable look instead. "And boy, does it work! I have got myself a lot of dates with that look," she says.
Use your eyes
Rebecca Ferreira, a 25-year-old textile designer, says using your eyes is the best way to communicate. "Once he catches your eye, raise your eyebrow and give him the once-over from top to bottom and back again!
Then flash a flirtatious smile in his direction and he'll instantly be drawn towards you," she says.
Use the magic touch
"It helps to get a little touchy-feely when you are flirting," says 23-year-old psychology student Anita Rebello. She suggests you pretend to reach out just beyond the guy's shoulder and (innocently!) put your hand on his shoulder.
"You don't need to do much. A light touch will communicate your interest," she adds.
Body language
"Always keep your cool and don't appear too eager," advises Karuna Pradhan, a 27-year-old interior decorator. But let yourself loose. Yes, we mean literally!
"Don't hold your limbs too tightly against your body. Maintain a little distance, but not so much that you are completely out of his personal space," Karuna says.
Flirting is a great stress reliever, but if you don't intend to take him home with you for the night, don't take it too far. Learn the difference between harmless flirting and giving out a signal that you're available for some naughty fun.
"It's safest to flirt while you are hanging out with your friends. If things get out of hand, you have help at hand," adds Neha.
dog biscuits
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."
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