Pun: A man with no pennies got into senseless trouble.
Quote of the Day: "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." -- Thomas Jones
Today's One-Liner: How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I was visiting a friend for a few days and noticed a "to do" list on her table. It said: Polish furniture Scrub bathrooms Change bedding in guest room Buy homemade-looking cake Bring out clock Florie gave us Throw this list away before Florie arrives
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Florence J. Ring
Don't Drink the Water
Seen on the bathroom door of an upscale spa: "Caution! Toilets flushed with reclaimed water. Do not drink!"
-- Bobbie Beyl
Smiles, grins & humor from the files of Reader's Digest!
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt." -- Joseph Heller
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"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal." -- Henry Ford
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"Don't worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor- row you worried about yesterday."
Marketing VP: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this account?
Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing VP: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel".
Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"
Above three received from Clean Laffs.
Brain Twisters
1) The Elder Twin
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?
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2) Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
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3) The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
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4) Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
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5) The Man in the Bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man.
The man says, "Thank you" and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling, and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one, yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
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SOLUTIONS:
1) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date Line (or any time zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.
2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
4) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets, etc.). This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?
5) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups, so the man no longer needed the water.
Received from Thomas Ellsworth and GCFL.
Answering machine message 156
Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Received from Gretchen and Teddi's Humor
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
A young man couldn’t decide which girl to marry. He liked one girl, but he really liked another one named Maria, too. He decided to ask his friend for advice. “How do you make important decisions?” he asked his friend.
“Well, I go to church,” replied his friend. “Then I look up and pray and usually the answer just comes to me.”
The young man decided to try just that. He went to church, looked up to pray, and the answer was written in gold above a stained-glass window.
It said: AVE MARIA
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc. Received from Beliefnet.com. BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them.
I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when no one answered after several rings.
That afternoon I received a call from a woman that went as follows: "I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me today?"
"I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number today and that might have been yours."
"How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!”
Dave irritated everyone in our office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear.
He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?"
Larry responded, "It saves time.”
Above two received Tickled by Tony
Musician Joke
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth ... the Fifth ..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Received from aJokeADay.com
After the trout left his school, he hoped to become a steelhead at a floundry.
(Mike Bull's Pun of the Day)
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Arrears: What we should wash behind
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Coffee: Snow White's eighth dwarf; sneezy's younger brother.
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The blonde was so dumb she saved burned-out light bulbs to use in her darkroom.
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"Have you ever been whitewater rafting?" Tom asked rapidly.
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Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water and prune juice?
A: A religious movement.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a ... super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
So what if I forgot his birthday? He's 43 years old!
But I guess brothers are supposed to be close.
Especially twins.
(John Dockery in Ruminations)
Above three received from Daily-Humor
q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
“It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.” -- Voltaire
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“About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.” -- Josh Billings
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“It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.” -- Sir Winston Churchill
b i t s . n . b o b s
^^^^^^^^^^^
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Above two received from The Mouthpiece
Missing Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
(From the Archives)
Hot Air Hand Dryers
My pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out.
I asked him why?
He confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
Above two received from Dave's Desk
Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in the darkness. So, I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger's vest that was bright orange and had small flashing lights.
The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but the stopped. I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't you see me?"
"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."
Received from GR8Humor and Teddi's Humor
Talking to Christ
A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning and then field calls about his patients in the evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite surprised as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang. His wife answered and whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."
Received from Steve's Just for Grins
Daily Trivia Question: The administration of which U.S. president was dubbed the `Era of Good Feeling`?
Answer: James Monroe
SPECIAL-NEEDS CHILDREN REQUIRE SPECIAL PARENTS
DEAR ABBY: This summer you printed a letter from an aunt who was upset because her sister, the mother of a child with autism, doesn't have time to join in fundraising with her and the rest of the family. While I commend the writer and her family for raising money for autism research, that woman needs to cut her sister some slack.
Very few parents (thank goodness for them, though) have the emotional energy, not to mention time, to advocate for their child's special needs. I commend you for giving the writer of that letter the answer you did. I would challenge anyone who thinks he or she could "handle it" to walk a mile in our shoes. Our entire lives center around our children and their doctors' appointments, therapy, special schooling, adaptive equipment, etc. The last thing we need to hear is some self- righteous know-it-all putting us down for something we were hand-picked by God to do.
-- SPECIAL-NEEDS MOM IN ALABAMA
DEAR MOM: I heard from the parents of many special-needs children who echoed your sentiments. And you're right -- it does take a very special parent not to crack under the stress. Read on:
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DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two boys with special needs who are around his age, and I can assure you, that woman is already "very involved" in a way her sister cannot even begin to imagine. It is a labor of love that requires intense attention to their every action and potential need.
Perhaps "Raising Money" should spend an entire day being the primary caregiver for her nephew while trying to complete household responsibilities or work. I cannot tell you the number of times I have cried in my car out of sheer fatigue (I now carry tissue in the glove box).
The most charitable thing this aunt could do is to show up on her sister's doorstep with dinner, an offer to do the laundry, and a long, comforting hug.
-- CINDY IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR CINDY: No one fully understands what a parent with a child with a disability goes through from day one. First there is the emotional aspect. We grieve. It's not the kind of grieving you do after a death. This is grieving that never ends. It cycles over and over. If you're not crying, you're angry. Some days you can accept and breathe; other days you just can't. Anything can set you back, and suddenly you're sobbing again.
Not only is there the day-to-day caring for the child -- feeding, dressing, hygiene, to name a few -- but also phone calls, meetings, doctor visits, therapies. When the kids are little, many of these things aren't too bad. But as they get older, larger, stronger, it breaks the caregiver's body and spirit.
There is also the problem of not being able to get needed services. In many states, once children are out of the school system and on the waiting list for adult services, they sit and languish at home with NO services until they qualify for accommodations. In some states that can be many years. And there's no portability of services between states, so if you must relocate, you go to the bottom of that state's waiting list.
Living with that, we often can't get or hold jobs. Day care is a huge problem for us and our kids. If that woman really wants to help, she should offer respite care and get involved with the waiting list issue, which is as important as research.
-- SONJA IN COLORADO
DEAR SONJA: In this time of draconian cutbacks everywhere, I hope our politicians will direct their thinking away from divisive politics and being re-elected to what must be done to help our most vulnerable citizens.
ABBY is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as
Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline
Phillips. Write ABBY at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Copyright 2008 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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