Misinterpretation

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was 2000 rupees and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

Frustration of the poor Husband....

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.

He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your legs by pulling your dress up," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW

:::Some Important Laws Which Newton Forgot to State:::

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

**********

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

**********

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

**********

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

**********

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

**********

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

**********

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

**********

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

**********

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

**********

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

**********

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

**********

Open Fly

Tactful(?) ways to tell a man his fly is open:

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your dork is ajar.
14.  uasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. I can see your Gap dancers.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has left the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, sir.
7. Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!
6. Lil' Shaq's at the free throw line.
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I see you have an opening in senior management.
1. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

Getting Married

*Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited
about their decision to get married. *

*They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a
chemist.. Jacob suggests they go in. *

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" *

*The pharmacist answers, "Yes." *

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" *

*Pharmacist: "Of course we do." *

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" *

*Pharmacist: "All kinds " *

*Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" *

*Pharmacist: "Definitely." *

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?" *

*Pharmacist: "You bet!" *

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" *

*Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." *

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?" *

*Pharmacist: "Absolutely.." *

*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" *

*Pharmacist: "We sure do." *

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?" *

*Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult incontinence pants?" *

*Pharmacist: "Sure." *

*Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."*

Field Trip

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3.30.'