Snack Time

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher
brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and
scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide
behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny she again said to him,
"Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother,
"Don't fucking give him one."

 

nnn

 

Oh goodness gracious what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs!
Their great to lick and squeeze and suck
not to mention titty fuck!

They say that having such big boobs
are really just a waste
but it takes more than just a mouthful
to get the greatest taste!

NASTY MISCELLANEOUS

What do you call two women in a freezer?
Cold cunts.

 

What did Wendy say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's pants?
"Where's the beef?"

 

What do you call a faggot in the navy?
A Rear Admiral.

 

Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips.

 

When is the only time you should fake an orgasm?
When you have a Rotweiller rooting your leg.

 

What's the difference between a lollipop and a penis?
If you lick a lollipop, it becomes smaller... but if you lick a penis it becomes bigger!

 

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

 

Proctologist: "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?"
Gay patient: "Is that so? What's the card say?"

 

What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.

 

Where do women pilots sit?
In the cuntpit.

Before And After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbo charged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fish sticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a
friend, who tells him, "I know this midget with a speech
impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male
or female horse.
- "A female horth", the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
- "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
- "Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.
- "Ok, what about the eerth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget
one more time and shows him the ears.
- "OK, finally, can I see her twat?"
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head
up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head,
the midget says,

"Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd? 

STRANGER

A while ago, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.  The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.   

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.  In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our story teller.  He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future!  He took my family to the first major league ball game.  He made me laugh, and he made me cry.  The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.  

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)  

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.  Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors.  Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.  My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol.  But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.  He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.   

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex.  His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.  

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger.  Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.  

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.  He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.  Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

 

His name?.... .. .  Please go down to read.  Maybe you might even know him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We just call him 'TV.' 

(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)   

He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.' 

Their first child is "Cell Phone". 

Second child "I Pod" 

Hearing the Unheard

Can I see my baby?" the happy new mother asked.

When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold of cloth to look upon his tiny face, she gasped.

The doctor turned quickly and looked out the tall hospital window.

The baby had been born without ears. Time proved that the baby's hearing was perfect. It was only his appearance that was marred.

When he rushed home from school one day and flung himself into his mother's arms, she sighed, knowing that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks.

He blurted out the tragedy. "A boy, a big boy... called me a freak."

He grew up, handsome for his misfortune. A favorite with his fellow students, he might have been class president, but for that. He developed a gift, a talent for literature and music.

"But, you might mingle with other young people," his mother reproved him, but felt a kindness in her heart.

The boy's father had a session with the family physician. Could nothing be done?

"I believe I could graft on a pair of outer ears, if they could be procured," the doctor decided.

Whereupon, the search began for a person who would make such a sacrifice for a young man.

Two years went by.

Then, "You are going to the hospital, son. Mother and I have someone who will donate the ears you need. But, it's a secret who it is," said the father.

The operation was a brilliant success, and a new person emerged. His talents blossomed into genius, and school and college became a series of triumphs. Later, he married and entered the diplomatic service.

"But, I must know!" He urged his father, "Who gave so much for me? I could never do enough for him."

"I do not believe you could," said the father, "but, the agreement was that you are not to know... not yet."

The years kept their profound secret, but the day did come... one of the darkest days that ever pass through a son. He stood with his father over his mother's casket. Slowly, tenderly, the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick, reddish-brown hair to reveal... that the mother had no outer ears.

"Mother said she was glad she never let her hair be cut," he whispered gently, "and nobody ever thought mother less beautiful, did they?"

Appraisal Process....excellent (Tips for you)

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

Women Who Know Their Place

Barbara  Walters, of 20/20, did  a
 story  on gender roles in Kabul,
 Afghanistan, several years  before
 the  Afghan conflict.
  
  She  noted that women customarily
 walked  five paces behind their husbands.
  
  She  recently returned to Kabul and
 observed  that women still walk behind        
 their  husbands. Despite the
 overthrow  of the oppressive Taliban regime, 
 the  women now seem
 happy  to maintain the old custom.
  
   
  Ms  Walters approached one of the
 Afghani  women and asked, 'Why do you now        
 Seem  happy with an old custom that you  
 once  tried so desperately to change?'
  
   The  woman looked Ms.Walters
  straight  in the eyes, and without hesitation
  Said,  'Land Mines.'
  
   
   Moral  of the story is (no matter
  what  language you speak or where you go):
  
   BEHIND  EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN