Jan 8, 2010
The Nervous Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Misunderstanding Manners
A new waitress in a Bridge Club complained to the manager that the members of their renowned club were so disrespectful and foul that she was afraid she may face sexual harassment from the customers.
She explained, “As I was about to serve the Horde hours, I heard a man say,
"Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man laughed, "I've got strength but no length."
And this rude man says to the lady sitting next to him, "Take your hand off my trick!"
Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking
and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
Friday's Smiles
There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling, "Hey really cute Princess!"
She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again. "Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"
It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog. The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow.
When she got up the next day what do you think she found? There on her pillow sat a really handsome Prince.
Do you believe the story?
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Neither did her mother...
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Neither did her mother...
If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late.
For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement.
"How has life changed?" I asked
Being a man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done.”
Now That's A Fishing Boat:
An old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What are you selling, young man," he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, Sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker."
"A what?" the man asked.
"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States
"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me. I have no idea.”
The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist'
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
12 Facts About PIZZA
Just hearing the word "pizza" brings a smile to the face of just about every American. Whatever style or variety -- from thick, Chicago-style deep-dish pizza stuffed with gobs of cheese, sausage, and pepperoni to a thin-as-a-cracker crust topped with veggies -- pizza invariably makes it to the top of "favorite food" lists.
Here, we've compiled a list of fun and interesting facts about this American food icon. See how many you knew!
Pizza is one of the most popular foods in the United States.
1. Since 1987, October has been officially designated National Pizza Month in the United States.
2. Approximately three billion pizzas are sold in the United States every year, plus an additional one billion frozen pizzas.
3. Pizza is a $30 billion industry in the United States.
4. Pizzerias represent 17 percent of all U.S. restaurants.
5. Ninety-three percent of Americans eat pizza at least once a month.
6. Women are twice as likely as men to order vegetarian toppings on their pizza.
7. About 36 percent of all pizzas contain pepperoni, making it the most popular topping in the United States.
8. The first known pizzeria, Antica Pizzeria, opened in Naples, Italy, in 1738.
9. More pizza is consumed during the week of the Super Bowl than any other time of the year.
10. On average, each person in the United States eats around 23 pounds of pizza every year.
11. The first pizzeria in the United States was opened by Gennaro Lombardi in 1895 in New York City.
12. The record for the world's largest pizza depends on how you slice it. According to Guinness World Records, the record for the world's largest circular pizza was set at Norwood Hypermarket in South Africa in 1990. The gigantic pie measured 122 feet 8 inches across, weighed 26,883 pounds, and contained 9,920 pounds of flour, 3,968 pounds of cheese, and 1,984 pounds of sauce. In 2005, the record for the world's largest rectangular pizza was set in Iowa Falls, Iowa. Pizza restaurant owner Bill Bahr and a team of 200 helpers created the 129 X 98.6-foot pizza from 4,000 pounds of cheese, 700 pounds of sauce, and 9,500 sections of crust. The enormous pie was enough to feed the town's 5,200 residents ten slices of pizza each.
A TOWN CALLED ..... ( very very Funny )
A Town Called
Are the residents called Fuckers?
What are the mothers called?
What would you be learning at the Fucking high school ?
Does the Fucking hospital help you with anything else?
If you tell people you work in Fucking,
Will you get arrested for prostitution?
If your friend came from another town, wouldn't he be your Fucking friend?
Is the dumb village idiot a dumb Fuck or a Fucking idiot?
NOW YOU CAN FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS
WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE FUCKING TOWN.
Facts about blood donation
* Person above 18 years of age and over 50 Kgs. in weight can donate blood once in three months.
* A normal adult has five to six liters of blood in his/her body of which only 300 ml is used during blood donation.
* This blood is replaced by your body within 24 to 48 hours!
* No special diet, rest or medicine is required after blood donation.
* The donor should not have taken any medicine in the last 48 hours.
* The donor should not have contacted jaundice in the previous three years.
* Every donor is given a medical checkup prior to donation to see if he/she is medically fit and doesn't suffer from anemia, high blood pressure etc.,
* The donor cannot contract AIDS or any other disease by donating blood.
Video: Instant Taxi Prank
When you Park you car, you get it as you left it
But what happens if it is converted in to a Taxi
Not only this, there are visitors too demanding for your taxi...
But what happens if it is converted in to a Taxi
Not only this, there are visitors too demanding for your taxi...
Which Shaving Cream Do U Use
Sales man : Sir, which shaving cream do u use ?
Customer : Kumar’s.
S.M : Which after shave do y use ?
C : Kumar’s.
S.M : Which tooth paste do u use ?
C : Kumar’s ?
S.M : Which shampoo do u use ?
C : Kumar’s.
S.M : Sir , what is this kumar’s is
It an international company ?
C : No, he is my room mate.
All flowers don't represent love but rose did it.
All animals cannot speak but parrot did it.
All donkeys cannot read but u did it!
Ur Tarriff plan has changed!
Now make calls acc. To d size of ur Brain.
D smaller d brain, d cheaper will b d calls.
Don't worry yaar, u can make free calls!!
Easy to say - Difficult to stay..
Beautiful to feel - Difficult to deal...
Difficulty is a part of Life...
But That's the reason...
Why Girlfriend is never a wife?
Q:) Why do Gods stay up in heaven?
A:) Because they are afraid of what they have created!
HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
A SMALL PACKET ?
WHEN THE BOY WAS RETURNING AFTER HIS MARRIAGE…HE FOUND HIS WIFE HOLDING A SMALL PACKET..
THE BOY ASKED……..WHATS THERE IN THAT PACKET..
WIFE REPLIED…..DARLING THIS IS THE SECRET OF MY LIFE...PLS NEVER OPEN IT OR ASK ME ABOUT IT FURTHER….OTHERWISE OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE IN TROUBLE....
THE COUPLE SPENT THEIR DAYS HAPPILY……BUT THE BOY WAS VERY KEEN TO KNOW WHAT WAS THERE IN THAT SMALL PACKET……
AFTER SOME DAYS THE BOY AGAIN TOLD……DARLING AFTER MARRYING YOU , I GOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAM…BUT TELL ME WHAT THAT PACKET IS…….IT WLL NEVER AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP…..AS I LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE………………..BUT WIFE ONLY TOLD THAT I ALSO LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE….THATS WHY TELLING U NOT TO ASK ABOUT THAT……….
AFTER SOME DAYS WIFE WENT TO HER OWN HOUSE AND FORGOT TO TAKE HER PACKET………THEN THE BOY COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF….AND OPENED THAT PACKET…………
HE WAS SHOCKED TO OPEN THAT……..THERE WAS 30 RUPEES……AND 2 WHEAT GRAINS….IN THAT PACKET……THE BOY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS…AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE……
THEN WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED …..HE BURST INTO LAUGHTER…..AND TOLD …DARLING WHAT IS THIS……AND HOW IT COULD HAVE AFFECTED OUR RELATIONSHIP……..WHATEVER MAY BE……U HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE SECRET…….
THE THE WIFE REPLIED…………
THAT'S NOT GOOD……………….ANY WAY…….IF U HAVE ALREADY FINALISED TO KNOW THE SECRET …..HERE IT…………
BEFORE MARRIAGE ..EACH TIME I HAD SEX WITH ANY GUY…I PUT A WHEAT GRAIN IN THAT PACKET TO REALISE THAT I HAVE DONE A MISTAKE……
THE BOY SAW THOSE TWO WHEAT GRAINS….AND AFTER WAITING FOR TWO MINUTES TOLD…..……….. ITS OK……EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKE …….
I STILL LOVE U BECAUSE U TOLD ME THE TRUTH…….. BUT WHAT IS THAT 30 RUPEES………… THE WIFE REPLIED…..THE BOY FAINTED…………
THE WIFE SAID……I HAVE SOLD 6 KG WHEAT AT A RATE RS 5 PER KG……………..!!!
THE BOY ASKED……..WHATS THERE IN THAT PACKET..
WIFE REPLIED…..DARLING THIS IS THE SECRET OF MY LIFE...PLS NEVER OPEN IT OR ASK ME ABOUT IT FURTHER….OTHERWISE OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE IN TROUBLE....
THE COUPLE SPENT THEIR DAYS HAPPILY……BUT THE BOY WAS VERY KEEN TO KNOW WHAT WAS THERE IN THAT SMALL PACKET……
AFTER SOME DAYS THE BOY AGAIN TOLD……DARLING AFTER MARRYING YOU , I GOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAM…BUT TELL ME WHAT THAT PACKET IS…….IT WLL NEVER AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP…..AS I LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE………………..BUT WIFE ONLY TOLD THAT I ALSO LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE….THATS WHY TELLING U NOT TO ASK ABOUT THAT……….
AFTER SOME DAYS WIFE WENT TO HER OWN HOUSE AND FORGOT TO TAKE HER PACKET………THEN THE BOY COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF….AND OPENED THAT PACKET…………
HE WAS SHOCKED TO OPEN THAT……..THERE WAS 30 RUPEES……AND 2 WHEAT GRAINS….IN THAT PACKET……THE BOY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS…AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE……
THEN WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED …..HE BURST INTO LAUGHTER…..AND TOLD …DARLING WHAT IS THIS……AND HOW IT COULD HAVE AFFECTED OUR RELATIONSHIP……..WHATEVER MAY BE……U HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE SECRET…….
THE THE WIFE REPLIED…………
THAT'S NOT GOOD……………….ANY WAY…….IF U HAVE ALREADY FINALISED TO KNOW THE SECRET …..HERE IT…………
BEFORE MARRIAGE ..EACH TIME I HAD SEX WITH ANY GUY…I PUT A WHEAT GRAIN IN THAT PACKET TO REALISE THAT I HAVE DONE A MISTAKE……
THE BOY SAW THOSE TWO WHEAT GRAINS….AND AFTER WAITING FOR TWO MINUTES TOLD…..……….. ITS OK……EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKE …….
I STILL LOVE U BECAUSE U TOLD ME THE TRUTH…….. BUT WHAT IS THAT 30 RUPEES………… THE WIFE REPLIED…..THE BOY FAINTED…………
THE WIFE SAID……I HAVE SOLD 6 KG WHEAT AT A RATE RS 5 PER KG……………..!!!
BAJAJ'S NEW CHEAPEST BIKE
Bajaj's new Cheapest Bike
For Rs.999 (like nano)..... !!!!!!!
It has been a major hit in the market and is largely responsible for changing the 'Two wheeler market'
It will be introduced in Indian market in 31 July 2010 ...
I hope everyone wil come to office by bike in few days..
Facilities are..
Available in following option
A) Kick Start
B) Electric Start
1. 250 CC Speed + we can increase speed by pedaling
2. 24 hr Free Air Conditioner System
3. Leg break System as like Disc break in Pulsar
4. Without doubt it's going to win "Best Bike Of the Year 2009 "
Engine Specification
1.
Engine = Air Cooled
2.
Front Brakes = N/A
3.
Rear Brakes = 130mm Drum
4.
Front Tyre = 2.75 X 18
5.
Rear Tyre = 100/90 X 18
6.
Wheelbase = 1265mm
7.
Ground Clearance = 155mm
8.
Dry Weight = 50 Kg
9.
Tank Capacity = No Need
10.
Colours = Brown
It has a admire look...
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Best patient
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
The Duck and the Devil
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.
He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.
He Practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target.
Getting A little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was Walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck Square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see His sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the Dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in The kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go Fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make Supper."
Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told Me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally Went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, He finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long You would let Sally make a slave of you."
**********
Thought for the day and every day thereafter?
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... And the devil Keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad Habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) ....whatever it is....You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing..... He has seen your whole life.
He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.
He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave Of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He Not only forgives you, but He forgets . It is by God's grace and Mercy that we are saved.
Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share This with a friend and always remember : God is at the window.
He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.
He Practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target.
Getting A little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was Walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck Square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see His sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the Dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in The kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go Fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make Supper."
Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told Me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally Went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, He finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long You would let Sally make a slave of you."
**********
Thought for the day and every day thereafter?
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... And the devil Keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad Habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) ....whatever it is....You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing..... He has seen your whole life.
He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.
He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave Of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He Not only forgives you, but He forgets . It is by God's grace and Mercy that we are saved.
Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share This with a friend and always remember : God is at the window.
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