Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
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I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
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Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
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Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
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Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two
women.
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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
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Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
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"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
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"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
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"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
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Dec 3, 2009
The scholarly gentleman and The Boatman
One day, a very scholarly gentleman, while travelling in India, decided to go across big river, so he asked one of the village people who owned a small boat, if he would take him, to this request the boatman agreed.
As they started, the sun became obscured by dark clouds, and as the river was large, the gentleman realised that the crossing would take some time. So he started a conversation with the boatman.
“Did you know that the sun is approximately 93,000,000miles away, and yet it has provided heat and light, throughout the universe since time immemorial, baring that, if it was to shift, even a fraction of an inch out of its orbit, there would be total devastation?”
The boatman replied; “My dear sir, I am just a simple man who has had no education, there is no way I could know such information”
“Then” said the gentleman “You are 25% fool”.
Some time passed, and as they were coming to the ½ way mark, the thunder began to rumble.
“Did you know notice the lightening, just before the rumbling sound”. The gentleman asked. He continued. “Do you know how that phenomenon occurs”
“No sir” replied the boatman.
“Its occurrence is due to the expansion of rapidly heated air,” the gentleman exclaimed, “ You are 50% fool.
About ¾ of the way the weather completely changed. It became dark and started to rain heavily and started filling up the little boat with water clearly making it difficult for the boatman. But the foolish gentleman insisted in questioning.
“Do you know how we get rain”,
“No sir,” was the reply.”
“ The sun evaporates water from the sea, this gets stored in the clouds which then travel by be wind power, then when they become full, it lets all the water go, over the land. That’s how we get rain.”
“You are 75% fool.” Said the gentleman, now feeling very smug.
The gentleman was suddenly interrupted from his basqueing by a loud cry from the boatman,
“Oh no! I have lost my oar and now the water is about capsize the boat, we have no alternative but to swim the remainder of the way, luckily for us it is not very far.”
“But I can’t swim,” cried the gentleman now seeing his own imminent death.
“Then my dear sir, you are 100% fool” said the boatman.
As they started, the sun became obscured by dark clouds, and as the river was large, the gentleman realised that the crossing would take some time. So he started a conversation with the boatman.
“Did you know that the sun is approximately 93,000,000miles away, and yet it has provided heat and light, throughout the universe since time immemorial, baring that, if it was to shift, even a fraction of an inch out of its orbit, there would be total devastation?”
The boatman replied; “My dear sir, I am just a simple man who has had no education, there is no way I could know such information”
“Then” said the gentleman “You are 25% fool”.
Some time passed, and as they were coming to the ½ way mark, the thunder began to rumble.
“Did you know notice the lightening, just before the rumbling sound”. The gentleman asked. He continued. “Do you know how that phenomenon occurs”
“No sir” replied the boatman.
“Its occurrence is due to the expansion of rapidly heated air,” the gentleman exclaimed, “ You are 50% fool.
About ¾ of the way the weather completely changed. It became dark and started to rain heavily and started filling up the little boat with water clearly making it difficult for the boatman. But the foolish gentleman insisted in questioning.
“Do you know how we get rain”,
“No sir,” was the reply.”
“ The sun evaporates water from the sea, this gets stored in the clouds which then travel by be wind power, then when they become full, it lets all the water go, over the land. That’s how we get rain.”
“You are 75% fool.” Said the gentleman, now feeling very smug.
The gentleman was suddenly interrupted from his basqueing by a loud cry from the boatman,
“Oh no! I have lost my oar and now the water is about capsize the boat, we have no alternative but to swim the remainder of the way, luckily for us it is not very far.”
“But I can’t swim,” cried the gentleman now seeing his own imminent death.
“Then my dear sir, you are 100% fool” said the boatman.
Red Shirt
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt."
The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain inspired his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate ships. "Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate....bring me my brown pants!"
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt."
The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain inspired his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate ships. "Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate....bring me my brown pants!"
Bank account of life
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he manoeuvred his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3 . Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he manoeuvred his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3 . Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Two nuns..
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down
How to ask your boss for a salary increase
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.
I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon
Your$ $incerely
Norman $oh
!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply
Dear NOrman
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean
Yours truly
Manager
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.
I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon
Your$ $incerely
Norman $oh
!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply
Dear NOrman
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean
Yours truly
Manager
BE CAREFUL: Microsoft's Memo to its Indian Staff
Can't stop laughing :) Sorry for the language but this is so.....
Microsoft's Memo to its Indian Staff
This is a REAL MEMO from Microsoft HR Director in Redmond, WA to its staff of the Indian Origin. Every word here is kept intact without alteration.
MEMO TO INDIAN STAFF
In view of the large number of Indians working in the USA, UK and many other countries with White People, it has become important for Human Resources Department to issue directives to their Indian staff.
TO ALL HINDI-SPEAKING STAFF
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
1. Words like CHUTIYA, GANDU and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say CHUTIYE, AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO when someone makes a mistake, or MADAR CHOD, BHENCHOD when a major mistake
has been made. All forms derived from the verb CHOD are inappropriate in our environment.
2. No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as GADHA or CHUTIYA. Lack of determination will not be referred to as KAAMCHOR SAALA and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as BHOSADIKAA or MADARCHOD.
3. Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to as GAND FAADU, if a person is persistent, or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use GAND FATI, if a colleague is going through a difficult situation.
4. Furthermore, you must not say BHOSADE MEIN GAYA when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say DIMAG KI MAA BHEN MAT KAR. Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with BOL TERI GAND KAISE MARU.
5. When things get tough, an acceptable _expression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than MAA CHUDI PADI HAI or GOTI MUH MEIN HAI..
6. No salary increase shall be ever referred to as KHAIRAAT BAATI JAA RAHI HAI KYA. Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners as BUDDHA KHOOSAT.
7. Last, but not least, after reading this memo, please do not say: YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI.
Microsoft's Memo to its Indian Staff
This is a REAL MEMO from Microsoft HR Director in Redmond, WA to its staff of the Indian Origin. Every word here is kept intact without alteration.
MEMO TO INDIAN STAFF
In view of the large number of Indians working in the USA, UK and many other countries with White People, it has become important for Human Resources Department to issue directives to their Indian staff.
TO ALL HINDI-SPEAKING STAFF
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
1. Words like CHUTIYA, GANDU and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say CHUTIYE, AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO when someone makes a mistake, or MADAR CHOD, BHENCHOD when a major mistake
has been made. All forms derived from the verb CHOD are inappropriate in our environment.
2. No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as GADHA or CHUTIYA. Lack of determination will not be referred to as KAAMCHOR SAALA and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as BHOSADIKAA or MADARCHOD.
3. Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to as GAND FAADU, if a person is persistent, or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use GAND FATI, if a colleague is going through a difficult situation.
4. Furthermore, you must not say BHOSADE MEIN GAYA when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say DIMAG KI MAA BHEN MAT KAR. Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with BOL TERI GAND KAISE MARU.
5. When things get tough, an acceptable _expression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than MAA CHUDI PADI HAI or GOTI MUH MEIN HAI..
6. No salary increase shall be ever referred to as KHAIRAAT BAATI JAA RAHI HAI KYA. Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners as BUDDHA KHOOSAT.
7. Last, but not least, after reading this memo, please do not say: YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI.
We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Sincerely,
Steve Rider
Human Resources, Director Microsoft Corporation
Sincerely,
Steve Rider
Human Resources, Director Microsoft Corporation
Excuse Notes Written To School Teachers
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today," wrote a
parent. "Please execute him."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent," wrote another parent. "She was sick
and I had her shot."
These drastic measures were inadvertently taken in notes written by parents
to excuse their children's absences from school.
In all fairness to pupils throughout the land, I must point out that
slaughtering the English language is a practice that is not limited opnly to
students. An astonishing number of grownups blithely go about murdering the
King's English without any inkling that they are committing a serious crime.
If you think that today's students aren't learning all they should, check
out some of the writing miscreated by their moms and dads. the following are
actual excuse notes received by teachers.
Dear School:
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very
close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several
mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.
Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.
Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to
get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.
Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not
find him till I started making the beds.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a
funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the Marine's.
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't
the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going
around school, her father even got hot last night.
Trying To Do The Job Alone
...one of the greatest comic texts of all time...
If you laugh, you have to tell a friend about this site. Don't forget!
Dear Sir,I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!
Big Balls Jokes
I actually thought this was a study about sports and success, till I got to the end. If you were like me, you might have choked on your drink and burst out laughing!
Don’t you think the comparison is SO TRUE? There’s been so much written about men and their obsession with the size of their body parts (balls being one of them), this ad was just waiting to be made.
Jokes aside, I can’t wait till they come up with a study between social status and wheels, or women or computer gadgets … The tagline can potentially leave you needing CPR.
Now which of you is brave enough to forward this to your boss? I’m sure you are dying to find out how BIG are his BALLS? Well, I hope he has a REALLY GOOD sense of humour…. and your paycheck is safely in your bank account!
Secret lives of superheroes
Ever wondered about the secret lives of super heroes? Let’s hope this is not what really happens.
Either he is taking some time out or Robin dumped him. Whatever the case, this is not the right time for Joker to poke him.
Hey Spidey, is it laundry day? Or did Aunt May finally kick you out?
At least it’s not a pony. Ahem … wasn’t there a myth that only ‘pure’ folk could nab a unicorn? Maybe Robocop was too busy to go on dates?
I have no words … let’s just call this a wtf moment, shall we?
Chooha - good one must read
Ek Cheeta charminar Cigarette ka sutta lagane hi wala tha ki achanak ek
chuha wahan aaya aur bola
"mere bhai chor do nasha, aao mere sath bhaago, dekho ye jungle kitna
khubsurat hai, aao mere saath duniya dekho"
Cheetay ne ak lamha socha phir choohe ke sath daudhne laga.
Aage ek haathi afeem pi raha tha, chooha phir bola,
"haathi mere bhai chor do nasha, aao mere saath bhaago, dekho ye jungle
kitna khubsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Haathi bhi sath dorne laga.
Agay sher whisky peene ki taiyaari kar raha tha, choohe ne usay bhi
wohi kaha.
Sher ne glass side par rakha aur choohe ko 5- 6 thappar maare.
Haathi bola, "are ye to tumhe zindagi ki taraf le ja raha ha, kyon maar
rahay ho is bechare ko ?"
Sher bola, "yeh Kameena pichli baar bhi cocaine pi kar mujhe 3 ghante
jungle mai ghumata raha tha!".
chuha wahan aaya aur bola
"mere bhai chor do nasha, aao mere sath bhaago, dekho ye jungle kitna
khubsurat hai, aao mere saath duniya dekho"
Cheetay ne ak lamha socha phir choohe ke sath daudhne laga.
Aage ek haathi afeem pi raha tha, chooha phir bola,
"haathi mere bhai chor do nasha, aao mere saath bhaago, dekho ye jungle
kitna khubsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Haathi bhi sath dorne laga.
Agay sher whisky peene ki taiyaari kar raha tha, choohe ne usay bhi
wohi kaha.
Sher ne glass side par rakha aur choohe ko 5- 6 thappar maare.
Haathi bola, "are ye to tumhe zindagi ki taraf le ja raha ha, kyon maar
rahay ho is bechare ko ?"
Sher bola, "yeh Kameena pichli baar bhi cocaine pi kar mujhe 3 ghante
jungle mai ghumata raha tha!".
Floor Cleaning Dog
This dog is the best dog
helping his owner in cleaning the floor
and instead acting as the Floor mop
If you have a dog, try to make your dog do like this
MARRIED LIFE
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,
Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.
"I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
She was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And...they lived happily ever after.
Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.
"I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
She was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And...they lived happily ever after.
Video: Kellogs Nutri Gram Funny Advertisement
Watch this funny Office commercial from Kellogs
A good Video to watch ...
A good Video to watch ...
Living with Half of a Body
Peng Shuilin had half of his body amputated after being run over by a truck. But he never gave up! His recovery has amazed surgeons after almost two years undergoing a series of operations.
A call in Hospital
A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.”
The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”
“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”
“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.“
“3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?“
“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”
“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”
The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic .. that’s wonderful news!”
The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!“
“Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing.“
The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”
“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”
“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.“
“3rd floor Nursing Station. How can I help You?“
“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”
“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”
The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic .. that’s wonderful news!”
The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!“
“Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a thing.“
Broken Door Prank
When you open a door
you usually pull it or push and go to the other side
But here people are a bit surprised when they push the door
you usually pull it or push and go to the other side
But here people are a bit surprised when they push the door
TAX STRUCTURE IN INDIA
1) Qus. : What are you doing?
Ans.: Business.
Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?
Ans.: Selling the Goods.
Tax: PAY SALES TAX!!
3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans.: From other State/Abroad
Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!
Ans.: Profit.
Tax: PAY INCOME TAX!
5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans.: Factory.
Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY!
6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
7) Qus. : Do you have Staff?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY TURNOVER TAX!
9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans.: Yes, for Salary.
Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!
10) Qus. : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans.: Hotel
Tax: PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
11) Qus. : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!
12) Qus. : Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!
13) Qus. : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans.: Gift on birthday.
Tax: PAY GIFT TAX!
14) Qus. : Do you have any Wealth?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX!
15) Qus. : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans.: Cinema or Resort.
Tax: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
16) Qus. : Have you purchased House?
Ans.: Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !
17) Qus. : How you Travel?
Ans.: Bus
Tax: PAY SURCHARGE!
18) Qus. : Any Additional Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!
19) Qus. : Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans.: Yes
Tax: PAY INTEREST & PENALTY
WHAT ABOUT THAT RED DOT?
For centuries, Hindu women have
worn a red spot on their foreheads.
worn a red spot on their foreheads.
We have naively thought it had
something to do with their religion.
something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed
by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
On a Hindu woman's wedding night,
her husband scratches off the red spot
to see if he has won a convenience store,
doughnut shop, or a motel in Florida.
her husband scratches off the red spot
to see if he has won a convenience store,
doughnut shop, or a motel in Florida.
Irish Fire Fighter
Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire. Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help, and notaices people trapped five stories up.
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells:
"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells:
"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
Osama bin Laden University
Commitment. Community. Jihad!Osama bin Laden University seeks to instill the fundamentals of terrorism in its students. Whether you want the glorious martyrdom of killing hundreds of infidels in an embassy bombing, or the more personal satisfaction of hunting down a blasphemous author in a mullah-sanctioned fatwa, OBLU can get you where you want go!
If you can answer yes to even than half of the following, a career in terror may be just the one for you!
Yes!
• I want to make a difference!
• I can handle a challenge!
• I can drive a truck!
• I want to wipe that smirk off George Bush's face!
• I enjoy waving guns around and firing them into the sky randomly at large rallies!
• I look good in a vest filled with explosives!
• I want a job that's to die for!
CAMPUS
Located in the magnificently rugged mountains of Afghanistan, OBLU's campus ranks as one of the most beautiful educational settings in the world. Miles of running trails wend their way through the snowy passes. And keeping a sharp eye out for land mines keeps fitness buffs strong in both body and mind!
CURRICULUM
All our students start off with a solid basis in the core areas of modern terrorism. By the end of freshman year, you will know how to: lob stones effectively, burn flags without burning yourself, chant angry slogans for hours thanks to foot-friendly arch inserts, and much, much more!
By your junior year, you will have declared a major. You might learn to operate class "c" vehicles such as cars and light trucks. Or you could decide to master the art of docking with American Destroyers on an inflatable boat. If you're an advanced student, you might even get to study at the post-graduate level, trying to harvest the Ebola virus from bloody, dying monkeys with your bare hands!
Dean bin Laden
Dean of School Osama bin Laden is the most universally recognized figure in world terror today. He has successfully brought down the Soviet Empire due to his acclaimed in Afghanistan, and now is continuing his work against the great Satan, America. With a $25 million dollar bounty on his head, Professor bin Laden must be doing something right!
TRAVEL OPPORTUNITIES & RECOGNITION
"I used to just sit around and hate Americans. Now, I get the great personal satisfaction of doing something about it."
Junior, Majoring in Car Bombing
"I like the idea of going straight to paradise and all I have to do is get gunned down while killing Americans. Do the math. It's a no-brainer!"
Senior, Weapons Major
"I used to think making the streets run red with blood was just hyperbole. Now, I know that with a whole lot of elbow grease, and just a little bit of emtex in a truck, it can definitely be done!"
Junior, Chemistry Major
Of course, OBLU is not just a "terror factory." From volleyball to tetherball, students enjoy a variety of social and enrichment events outside of their daily Jihad duties. Many of the friendships made at school are strong enough to last for all eternity in the hall of martyrs!
OBLU students also enjoy these perks:
• Graduates receive no-money down loan for all truck or boat purchasesApply today for Osama bin Laden University.
• 50% discount on all weapons purchases made at the student store
• Free parking
Still unsure? Take our OBLU-sanctioned extension course, "the How-To's of International Terrorism," offered at a Learning Annex near you.
Contact our SAARC region representative for more details and admission information:
Gen. Pervez Musharraf
Bunker No. 786,
Khandahar - Afghanistan
Tel: 1600 – 475654
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