Pathan at KBC

Q: What is you father name?
Pathan: Plz Options?
A. Dilawar
B. Changez
C. Feroz
D. Sultan

Pathan: Life line 50/50
A. Dilawar
C. Feroze
Pathan: Audience Vote.
75% Dilawar
25% Feroze
Pathan: I want to use My last life line “Phone a friend.”
Kisko call karengy?
Pathan: Apne baap dilawar ko!

Little Mary

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.

Not Going To have Babies

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”
“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”
“How about transportation?” the father asked.

“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”
“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.
“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

Man

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

WOMEN!!!

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Confession of a Kid

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby’s mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

“Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.”

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

*** Letter 1 ***

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby.

Bobby knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

*** Letter 2 ***

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend Bobby.

Bobby knew that this wasn’t true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

*** Letter 3 ***

Dear God,

I have been an “OK” boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

- Bobby.

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

*** Letter 4 ***

God,

I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner”, Bobby’s mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

*** Letter 5 ***

Hey God,

I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND A RED BIKE !!!

Before it starts…

Santa Singh comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, ‘Get me a beer before it starts.’

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, ‘Get me another beer before it starts.’

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, ‘Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.’

The wife is furious. She yells at him ‘Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…’

Santa sighs and says, ‘It’s started… ‘.

Santa in KBC

 With Santa singh…

The Story So Far…

Santa Singh has answered 12 out of the 15 questions correct and has used all his lifelines except for “50-50″ and “Phone a Friend”.

Santa Singh is playing the 13 th Question now which is for 25 Lacs. Let’s see what happens next… 

Amitabh Bachchan : Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke liye, yeh raha aapke saamne aapki Computer Screen par…

Santa Singh gets Tense…

Amitabh Bachchan : Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan? Your options are…

Amitabh Bachchan : Toh Santa Singh Jee kya Jawaab hai aapka? [He’s quite sure that Santa will opt for option A]

But Santa is surprisingly still confused…

Amitabh Bachchan : Aapke paas abhi bhi do life line baaki hai… 50-50 and phone a friend. Agar aap chahe to unhe use kar sakte hain. Wo aap hi ke liye banaayi gayee hai.

Santa Singh : I think it is A, but I’m not sure.

Amitabh Bachchan : Not sure, Hmmm… Aap kya karna chahenge?

Santa Singh : I would like to use 50-50…

Amitabh Bachchan : Ok Computer Jee, Kripya 2 galat javab mita deejiye…

Computer deletes two names, and leaves the following options:

Now Amitabh Bachchan gets confused and worriedly thinks if the Computer is actually right or has got some bug!. Santa Singh gets all the more Confused after the 50-50 Lifeline…

Santa Singh : I would like to use my last life line too - Phone A Friend…

Amitabh Bachchan : Aap kisse baat karna chahenge??

Santa Singh : Main aapki Misej [Mrs.] Jaya Bachan Ji ko phone karna chahoonga…

Amitabh Bachchan Faints !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan [Thanks to AirTel  ]…

Santa Singh : “Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?”

receiving reply from JAYA Santa faints..

GUESS WHY????????? ??

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Jaya Bachchan ask’s him ” What are the options?”

Wanna Get Married ( Check This )

Morning : If you do not prepare Breakfast then,
Taaapaaaaaakkkkkkkkkk….

Evening : If you talk with girls.
Dishuuuummmmmmmmmmmmm….

Night: If you Deny to take her to Restaurant.

Pataaaaaakkkkkkkkkk….

Its Better to be Bachelor ….
“Meine Shaadi kyon kiii ???”

Some Humorous News

News Break:

News reported today that the Taliban are using sheep

in Afganistan to detect mines.

They send them into a field and if they're blown up,

they have dinner.

If they make it through alive, they have a date.

Works perfectly.

And here are some trivia in a humourous vein

The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, or the distance a baby

can crawl when you turn your back.

Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.

"I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a

lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'" --Rodney Dangerfield

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he,

"for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last

Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You

printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of

the year!"

Did you hear the one about the young woman with the hourglass figure?

Unfortunately, time marches on.

Rodney Dangerfield - in memory

My daughter failed her driver's test. She couldn't get used to the

front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.

Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My family never bought a pumpkin - they made me stand in the window."

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around

six girls and one of them has V.D.

My kid drives me nuts. For three years now he goes to a private school,

He won't tell me where it is."

We all learn something New everyday ...

The House

All the rooms in the house were being decorated for Diwali. Everything had to be sparkling clean and bright.














The living room said: "Hey look at me, I'm so huge. I'm the one decorated with beautiful things. I'm the most sparkling room of the house. I'm the best."














The bedroom could not resist this challenge, he retorted and said: "OK! You may be the biggest but I am the most important room in the house because everybody longs to take rest here when they are tired. The energy of everybody gets revitalised when they come to me."














The kitchen scoffed and said: "Can you rest with an empty stomach! If it were not for me what could anybody eat? Where could the food be cooked? Where would the energy come from without food? So you see, I am the most important."














The little bathroom was feeling neglected. He dare not speak too loud among these luminous dignitaries. He said meekly: "What about me, everybody needs to use me too, even if I'm smelly sometimes."














Now who could decide which was most valuable room of the house? Could these rooms do without each other?














No, no... They could all be the best places in the room. But still there was something more in there which never spoke, nor could be seen, but was always there. In fact it was in & out of all the walls of the house, all the rooms were rooted in it!














It is the SPACE! The space was not confined to a single room but instead it was present everywhere...














It was because of the space that all the rooms were existing! Every room thought: "This is my space! The space was not in the rooms but the truth is that the rooms were in the space. The space existed silently, all pervasively, selflessly, and so could hold within itself all their vanities and yet it is not bound by them.








********








Similarly people belonging to different religions, like Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Jain or Buddhist etc., keep trying to prove their superiority. Each individual draws energy from the blissful roots of the soul. The soul which is omnipresent & is the basis of existence of all, never utters a single word. That which is the most supreme need not prove itself...

Valentine's Day Oneliners

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hog and kisses! 

---

What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?

A stupid cupid! 

---

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

It was Valenswine's Day! 

---

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental! 

---

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

"I'm sweet on you!" 

---

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive." 

---

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche! 

---

What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?

Desperate! 

---

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me." 

---

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you! 

---

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton!" 

---

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with." 

---

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?

He fell in love with a pincushion! 

---

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!" 

---

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."

Jon: "Really?"

Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!" 

---

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn't suit his taste!

---

Why do valentines have hearts on them?

Because spleens would look pretty gross! 

---

Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?

Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small! 

---

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?

Because you always heart the one you love! 

---

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Howard.

Howard who?

Howard you like a great big kiss? 

---

What did one light bulb say to the other?

"I love you a whole watt!"

Little candy heart messages you wouldn't want to receive.

1.  HARD UP
2. TOO TINY
3. NYET = NYET
4. SHOO
5. U SMELL
6. ART DORK
7. DIE ALONE
8. NO PUBES
9. KISS OFF
10. AMSCRAY
11. ICKY BOD
12. CALL 911
13. KILL PREZ
14. IT'S OVER
15. 1000x NO
16. SHOVE IT
17. RUG BURNS
18. DUMB ASS
19. R-U NUTS
20. BITE MOI
21. CAMEL TOES
22. YOU OAF
23. NO BALLS
24. ELECT ME
25. BIG BORE
26. HELL BOY
27. BROKE HIP
28. URA ZERO
29. BUTT OUT
30. LIKE HELL
31. TESH TOY
32. GOT FLAN
33. I'LL MACE
34. GET REAL
35. I H8 LOOP
36. EAT LEAD
37. F U
38. PISS OFF
39. OVER DOSE
40. SHAVE BACK
41. SUU EEEE
42. DS9 BUFF
43. R U DONE
44. FAL ICK
45. JAIL BAIT
46. NO BLOOD!
47. NERTS!
48. A+ LAMO
49. NO HOPE
50. I I I I
51. GO AWAY
52. FIX TEETH
53. DON'T TUCH
54. TOO SHORT
55. U-R SICK
56. WANT FRIES?
57. I'M GAY
58. FEAR ME
59. GET OUT
60. PEACH FUZZ
61. KEWL
62. STEP OFF
63. YODA MAN
64. NO BUTT
65. I'LL HURL
66. GOT CRABS
67. NOT NOW
68. NOT EVER
69. DISCO
70. IT'S OFF
71. NO NECK
72. GET A PIMP
73. WRONG
74. U-R DEAD
75. SCAT
76. IN-BRED
77. CUT ONE
78. GET REAL
79. DRY UP
80. EAT LEAD
81. PISS OFF
82. WAKE UP
83. HO HUM
84. TOO FAT
85. PIZZA FACE
86. TRY SOAP
87. NICE LISP
88. WASH OUT
89. I'LL DUMP U
90. GET OFF ME
91. BAD HAIR
92. FISH
93. I'LL YELL
94. TWAT ROT
95. FOR SALE
96. ZIP FLY
97. I QUIT
98. KILL ME
99. DEVO FAN
100. GO NOW
101. AS IF

Dictionary of dating

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Worst thing to say on a first date

I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.

Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.

I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."

Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card 

I'm sending out some cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Are you single, do not have a sweetheart and hate Valentine's Day?

The celebration of Valentine's Day is not limited to lovers but includes any and everyone loved by us, be it our parents, siblings, children, friends, relatives or dear ones. Popular conception and lopsided media promotion has resulted in Valentine's Day being widely regarded only as a day for lovers. And yet, the occasion is not so. In its true sense, Valentine's Day celebrates love. The festival is a celebration of love. Think clear and think hard and you are sure to arrive at the conclusion that Saint Valentine stood up to defend love and not romantic partners.


Go through these tips to know how you can indulge in Valentine's Day festivities in your own special way.


Spend Quality time with family members


The fast paced world has left us with little time to be with our dear ones. Valentine's Day can be a wonderful opportunity for you to spend time with your family members. You can party, make a trip to the restaurant or go out for a movie together.


Party with unhitched friends


Going out with your single friends can also be a great option. Visit a friend's house or invite your pals to your own home. Catch a movie together, play party games or have a picnic. You will be surprised at what a gala time you can have even without any romantic interest.


Good acts


This is also a good time to shower your love on those who really need it. Visit a hospital, an orphanage or old age home and meet with ailed or old people who have none to care for them. It is best to contact the hospital authorities beforehand and prearrange your visit to avoid any embarrassment later. Take along a bouquet
of yellow roses along and gift each of them a blossom. This is sure to touch them and fill them with the warmth of love. You will feel as much pleasure in giving gifts to the less fortunate as they themselves will.

Osama's Valentine

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."