My Time's UP (Story)

My Time's UP?   A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to   the  hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death  experience.     Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"     God  said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and   8 days to live ."   Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.     She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!     Since she had  so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.   After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.     While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by  an ambulance.     Arriving  in front of God, she demanded,    "I thought you     said I had another 43 years. Why  didn't you pull me from   out of the path of the  ambulance?"     (You'll love this) God replied: "I didn't recognize you!"  Moral: Women also has the power to confuse God!!! JJ

Cracked pot

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of

a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack

in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of

water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked

Pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with

The bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect

For which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and

Miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the

Water bearer one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack in my side causes

water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to

Decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this

beauty to grace the house"

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.

But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives

Together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

Blessings to all my crackpot friends & family!

Finkstrom's Funnies !

The View From Here

Today's Titillating Tits ..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... !!!

Animations !!

Cartoons From the Bottom of the Barrel !

SS Ward !

Babes ... A Visit With Yolande

Comixx ... Key Hole

Wallpaper Babes !

Sneyd's Humor

Tinsley's Irreverent Art

Zimmerman !!

Beautiful Babes .. !!

Scratching Your Testicles Can Increase Your Lifespan

Scratching Your Testicles Can Increase Your Lifespan Research Conducted At Aga Khan University Scratching testicles in public, as the paper notes, is fairly common in South Asia. Historians and anthropologists are at odds as to how such activity became a national past time for many. Dr. Ahmer, a leading historian at the Kennedy School of Government, attributes the Mughal emperors for introducing testicle scratching to the sub-continent. However, Inzamam-ul-Haq, the former Pakistan cricket captain, thinks that credit needs to go to the cricketers. "Pakistani men have grown up watching their heroes scratching their testicles with cricket balls on TV and then bowl yorkers. It's naive to think that the Mughals have anything to do with it." Dr. Aneeq and his team interviewed hundreds of men during the course of the study. "Our hypothesis was that men scratched themselves primarily due to hygienic issues or humid weather, but were surprised by the reasons found in the study." The study finds that 60% of men scratch their testicles because it makes them feel 'proud and macho,' while another 30% of testicle scratchers scratch their testicles merely out of habit. The finding also concluded that improved comfort which results from obsessive scratching improves overall quality of life, and thus increasing the average lifespan of a scratcher by at least five years.   A 28 year old man interviewed in the study says that it is normal for him and his friends to scratch themselves outside of girl's colleges. "Yaar two girls smiled at me and gave me that look as I was adjusting my shalwar the other day," claimed the participant. Other participants of the study claimed that it was simply the quality of the underwear. "If you wear those used underwear that you get from Bori Bazaar, then it's impossible not to scratch," explained the participant. "Sometimes I use Mospel or Mortein before I am going out for a poondi session, as that controls itching felt in the area," claimed a young student who wished not to be named.     Other medical researchers and cultural anthropologists were quick to dismiss the new findings, claiming that the paper was biased. "This report is an attempt by Dr. Aneeq to not feel guilty about always scratching his testicles in public," claimed Dr. Ghazi Rizvi. "It is an absolute abhorrent habit by Pakistani men, and now after the release of this report they will continue to scratch their testicles in public without any shame."   With the release of the study, Dr. Aneeq predicts that men will continue to scratch their testicles and adjust their pants openly in public. He expects that this will become a fashion statement and that we should get used to watching famous personalities, such as Dr. Shahid Masood, Ansar Abbasi and other members of the media men doing it constantly on live television. Wasi Zafar, a former Law Minister, contacted Maila Times for this report and claimed credit for promoting scratching testicles in public. "My great grandparents knew the benefit of such activities and I carried on the tradition on national television. I was castigated at that time, but now this report justifies my actions." Fatimah Mansoor, a student at LUMS, told Maila Times that she is happy that more men will scratch their testicles in public. "I just think that it's classy," said Ms. Mansoor. "It shows that a man has character, and isn't afraid to show the world who he is."

Understanding World Economics

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

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INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You sell one to overcome debts.
You worship the other
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PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
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AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
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BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.
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AUSTRALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
One cow can give milk only when US & UK permits. And the other cow is lazy and just don't care to give milk!!!!
So People in the country rely highly on Liquor and prepare strategies to for cows to live long !!!
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ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
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CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
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MIDDLE & FAR EAST ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You give permission to US & British to make military bases & protect the cows.
They kill & eat the cows & return only the bones, saying it was a
mistake & promise to give two F16 fighter jets in return!
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SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You have two cows.
You exchange them for two buffaloes.
You make one the President and the other the Leader of the Opposition!
and they eat the country instead of eating grass.. !!
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How to start a fight - Very Funny

HOW TO START A FIGHT  One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ________________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ________________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........

 

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Things Girls Always Notice on a Date

Girls and guys have completely different priorities when it comes to dating each other and noticing what really matters on a date. Here are six things that girls always notice on a date!

Do you want to impress a girl on the very first date? If you really know what girls always notice on a date, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to impress that pretty lass within the first few minutes. And you know what they say, first impressions are everything when you’re trying to have a great date! Unlike men, who don’t notice a great deal too much, women are a lot sharper on a date.

They put in a lot of effort, and they expect their date to look spruced up and primped for them. So what are the things that girls notice on a date? Men, you might just be surprised.



What girls always notice on a date #1 CLEANLINESS

You definitely need to be clean. Women like guys who can groom themselves. Even if you sport a stubble, it should look like every strand of hair exists to accentuate your face.

Clean hands and nails, crisp clothes, and a fresh face. And no bad breath or body odor. No girl would ever like that! Maybe a few kinky ones, but definitely not on a date. In a restaurant.

What girls always notice on a date #2 LABELS!

Girls love labels and fancy brands. It’s a sign anyways, isn’t it? If you can pamper yourself, you definitely can pamper her.

Go figure about big brands. Some labels may be expensive, but they don’t necessarily turn out to be the best. But the biggest names don’t come cheap. Senor D’Orsi charges over fifty grand a suit and still makes just fifty suits a year, but that’s never ever going to look bad on you, would it?


And it’s never going to hurt. Maybe just your Louis Vuitton wallet. A wee bit, you big, rich boy!

What girls always notice on a date #3 YOUR CONVERSATION SKILLS

Girls want a guy who knows how to keep his woman happy. So are you a smooth talker? Do you stutter and splutter and run out of things to say, half way through dinner and resort to “so you say something… no, no, you say…” to cover the fact that you have nothing to talk about? That’s not good. [Read: What to talk about on a first date with a girl] A woman wants to be with someone who knows to talk, and talk well. Yup, back when you were in tenth grade, backstreet boys were hot stuff! Now, it’s still a Simon Cowell.

What girls always notice on a date #4 HOW FAR CAN YOU GO?

How far can you go for your date? What can you do to pamper her? Flowers and sparkling wine are great starters. But can you call back your waiter and ask him for more flowers on your table? Or perhaps, a white candle? Anything else? A woman wants to test how far a man would be willing to go for her. Of course, subconsciously.

So pamper her. She can’t make up her mind about which dessert to pick, order three of them. Try it. It definitely works. Tell her to take a bite off all of them. She can have what she wants, and the waiter can take back the rest. If you have to be her king, treat her like the queen she deserves to be. But never be pompous, and don’t forget to be a brat boy now and then.

What girls always notice on a date #5 YOUR ATTIRE

Brands are one thing, but women definitely notice the way you dress. A Gucci shirt looks good, but untucked and crumpled on a formal date? Don’t think so. Dress for the occasion. Be pleasing to her eyes, and don’t ever go overboard. A clean shirt or a suit is the best thing to wear when you’re out at a great date restaurant in the middle of paradise. And yeah, do take her to a great place.

What girls always notice on a date #6 Ogling other women

You may have done all of the above things to impress your date, but this one wrong move can be a killer! There’s nothing more insulting for a woman than to see her man staring at other women or craning his neck to ogle at other women now and then. When you’re out on a date, remember, all eyes on your date. You can ogle at all the beautiful women and stare at a girl’s breast or her never ending legs when you’re with the guys. On a date, just focus on your date, if you do want to impress her.