Ek desh ke pradhanmantri ka naam Mantu tha aur Chantu party president tha.
Ek din world conference ke liye Mantu ko U.S jana tha to woh apne sath mantu ko apni help ke liye le jata hai to woh dono U.S pahuch jate hai lekin waha Hotel ke ek room me ek aadmi ki sone ki vyavastha thi isliye Chantu,Mantu kisi tarah se adjust kar ke raat ko ek saath so gaye aur aadhi raat ko Chantu ko sapna aata hai ki woh marne ke baad swarg me chala gaya aur uske achhe kamo ki wajah se Raja us se bolte hai beta Chantu mai tumse ati prasann hu isliye bolo tumhe kya chahiye ? tum jo kuch bhi mangoge mai tumhe 24 ghanto ke liye wah cheese de dengu to Chantu ne socha yar ek baar Raja ki jagah baithke in sundar-sundar apsarao ka dance ka maja kyo na liya jaye aur usne Raja se 24 ghanto ke liye uski jagah maang li to Raja pehle soch me doob gaya lekin usne khud wachan diya tha isliye usne ek din ke liye apni Jagah Chantu ko baitha diya.
Ab chantu apsarao ka dance dekh kar josh me aa gaya aur usne ek apsara ko ek alag kaksh(Room) me bulaya aur uske sath pure maje liye phir doosri ke saath ,to Raja ko bara bura laga lekin woh Majboor tha phir Chantu ki najar Raja ki patni per gayee aur usne socha raat ko is se hi maje karunga aur phir raat ko Chantu ne Raja ki ptni se bola chalo mere sath,tum aaj mere sath raat gujarogi to Raja ko gussa aa gaya aur usne Chantu ko chetawani di to chantu ne bola Hey Raja aapne hi mujhe apna shashan saupa hai aur jo adhikaar aapko they ab woh mujhe hai baaki aapki marji to Raja ki patni boli swami aapke wachan ki raksha mujhe karni chahiye aur mujhe iske saath aaj raat jaana hoga aur woh Chantu ke kamre me chale jaati hai,Chantu use dekh kar phula na samaya darwaja band kar use pakar lia aur bola tum kitni mast ho to Raja ki patni boli agar tum mera ek kam karoge to mai hamesha ke liye tumhare sath rahung to Chantu bola thik hai ,Mai ek kya sau(100) kaam kar dunga bolo to sahi to Raja ki patni boli woh dekho prithvi me kitni achhi hari hari doob ho rahi hai jao mere liye dher sari doob le aao to Chantu bola thik hai mai abhi le aata hu aur woh gaya lekin jaise hi usne dher saari doob ko dono hatho se pakar kar ukharne ki koshish ki to uske do jordaar thappar parte hai aur dekhta hai ki woh bed me Mantu ke saamne hai aur mantu bolta hai Bahan ke Laure meri do baar gaand maar li hai ab Jhaat bhi ukhar raha hai.
Jan 3, 2010
Kutta & Sher
Ek jungle me ek Sher aur Sherni rahte they, ek Kutta roj unki gufa ke bahar se Sher ko gali diya karta tha Behan ke laure jungle ke raaja Sher agar teri gaand me dum hai to bahar nikal,Madharchod lekin Sher bahar nahi nikalta hai,to Sherni Sher se bolti hai tum mard hoker darte ho woh Kutta bahar tumhe gaali de raha hai aur tum yaha chupchap baithe ho namard kahi ke aur Sherni bahar jati hai,Sherni ko dekhkar Kutta bhagne lagta hai to Sherni uske peeche peeche bhagti hai,ab Kutta aage aage aur Sherni uske peeche peeche.
Tabhi ek bara sa Per aata hai jisme niche ek Chhed(Hole) aata hai to Kutta usme se nikal ke aage chale jata hai aur jab Sherni jaane lagti hai to woh beech me fas jaati hai to Kutta ghum kar aata hai aur Sherni ki khub Gaand marke chala jata hai,Badi muskil se Sherni waha se nikal kar apni gufa me chali jaati hai to Sher bolta hai aa gayee Chudwakar! Sherni bolti hai tumhe kaise pata? Sher bolta hai pehle meri bhi mardangi dikhane ki wajah se bahut baar is Kutte ne Gaand mari hai.
Tabhi ek bara sa Per aata hai jisme niche ek Chhed(Hole) aata hai to Kutta usme se nikal ke aage chale jata hai aur jab Sherni jaane lagti hai to woh beech me fas jaati hai to Kutta ghum kar aata hai aur Sherni ki khub Gaand marke chala jata hai,Badi muskil se Sherni waha se nikal kar apni gufa me chali jaati hai to Sher bolta hai aa gayee Chudwakar! Sherni bolti hai tumhe kaise pata? Sher bolta hai pehle meri bhi mardangi dikhane ki wajah se bahut baar is Kutte ne Gaand mari hai.
Genious Boy
A beautiful Madam was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked,'Boy. what is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
the Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'
Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'
Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
the Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'
Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?
Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'
Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
Boy.: Bubblegum
Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
Boy.: Shake hands
Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Fire truck
Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME.
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
Electric Fusion
Ek baar America me ek competition ho raha tha jisme ki ek board par 100 bulb lagaye gaye the aur woh bulbs ek bare se push button se jalte the jisko ki jitne jor se dabao utne jyada bulb jalte they. Lekin competiton tha ki bulb apne LUND se us push button ko dabakar jalane they to sabhi desho (Countries) ke log aaye they. India se DANDI ji gaye they aur unka number last tha.
Competition suru hota hai to sabse pahle Japan ki baari aati hai to woh sirf 10 bulb jala pata hai,aise karte hue Pakistan - 10 America-40 Australia-18 China-12 Australia-5 Bulb jalate hai aur baki desh koi performance nahi karte hai to is tarah se sabse jyada America wale ne Bulb jalaye hote hai to ab last me aati hai baari India ke DANDI Ji ki.
Dandi ji apna land push button me marte hai to ek bhi Bulb nahi jalta hai aur sab haste hai to DANDI Ji girgirate hue kahte hai ek chance aur do to pehle to sab mana karte hai phir sochte hai chalo de dete hai , Kya pata 1-2 Bulb Jal jaye to Dandi Ji dubara taiyaar hote lekin tabhi control room se ek Aadmi daurte hue aata hai aur bolta hai ki Behnchod last me kisne Button me mara to Sab bolte hai Ye Dandi Ji ne to woh Aadmi bolta hai ki Behanchod isne to hamara electric fuse hi ura diya.
Competition suru hota hai to sabse pahle Japan ki baari aati hai to woh sirf 10 bulb jala pata hai,aise karte hue Pakistan - 10 America-40 Australia-18 China-12 Australia-5 Bulb jalate hai aur baki desh koi performance nahi karte hai to is tarah se sabse jyada America wale ne Bulb jalaye hote hai to ab last me aati hai baari India ke DANDI Ji ki.
Dandi ji apna land push button me marte hai to ek bhi Bulb nahi jalta hai aur sab haste hai to DANDI Ji girgirate hue kahte hai ek chance aur do to pehle to sab mana karte hai phir sochte hai chalo de dete hai , Kya pata 1-2 Bulb Jal jaye to Dandi Ji dubara taiyaar hote lekin tabhi control room se ek Aadmi daurte hue aata hai aur bolta hai ki Behnchod last me kisne Button me mara to Sab bolte hai Ye Dandi Ji ne to woh Aadmi bolta hai ki Behanchod isne to hamara electric fuse hi ura diya.
Dibba Number 101
Ek baar ek competition ho raha tha ki kaun kitni larkiyo ko Chod sakta hai? to ek train me 101 dibbe hote hai aur 100 larkiya 1-1 dibbe me 100 dibbo tak hoti hai.Aur competition me bhaag lene ke liye hamare yaha se Dandi ji jaate hai.
Competition start hota hai to koi 10 koi 20 aur koi 5,8,35,25 larkiyo ko chodke lurak jate hai sabse jyada 50 larkiya chodne ka record hota hai,ab Dandi ji ki baari aati hai to Dandi ji chodne ke liye chale jaate hai lekin 5 ghante ho jate hai Dandi ji wapas nahi aate hai to sab log dekhne jate hai ki kya hua to dekhte hai Dandi ji 101 number ke dibbe me baithkar muthh(Masturbate) mar rahe hote hai aur unhone 100 ki 100 larkiya chod dali hoti hai,Dandi ji bolte hai aur koi hai Chudne ke liye?
Competition start hota hai to koi 10 koi 20 aur koi 5,8,35,25 larkiyo ko chodke lurak jate hai sabse jyada 50 larkiya chodne ka record hota hai,ab Dandi ji ki baari aati hai to Dandi ji chodne ke liye chale jaate hai lekin 5 ghante ho jate hai Dandi ji wapas nahi aate hai to sab log dekhne jate hai ki kya hua to dekhte hai Dandi ji 101 number ke dibbe me baithkar muthh(Masturbate) mar rahe hote hai aur unhone 100 ki 100 larkiya chod dali hoti hai,Dandi ji bolte hai aur koi hai Chudne ke liye?
Best Interview
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am SAMEER GUPTA. I did my Tele Communication engineering from
BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard
of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission
into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I
was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to
call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said
- "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your
engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you
know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis
tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and
3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try
to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches
really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I
would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job
for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education
itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have
you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current
platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can
see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the
places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in
German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher
version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new
language VD!
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times
they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since
joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that
Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and
Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call
and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have
deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I
would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to
avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 2-4 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and
Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in
2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and
don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS .. :-))
No intention to offend anybody..
Candidate: I am SAMEER GUPTA. I did my Tele Communication engineering from
BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard
of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission
into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I
was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to
call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said
- "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your
engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you
know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis
tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and
3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try
to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches
really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I
would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job
for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education
itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have
you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current
platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can
see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the
places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in
German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher
version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new
language VD!
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times
they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since
joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that
Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and
Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call
and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have
deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I
would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to
avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 2-4 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and
Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in
2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and
don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS .. :-))
No intention to offend anybody..
Azadi
Ek baar hamare desh ke pradhanmantri Lehru Ji the aur Pakistan me Banjeer Bhutto thi. Dono desh ke pradhanmantri apne ko bara aur jeeta hua dikhana chahte they.
Banjeer Bhutto hamare desh ko kisi tarah se apne desh se milana chahti thi aur Lehru ji aisa bilkul nahi chahte they.Ek baar Banjeer Bhutto hamare desh me aati hai to Lehru ji ek raat Banjeer Bhutto ki Chuchiya(Mumme/Breast) pakar ke bolte hai waaah... ab to sara pakistaan mere hath me hai,Ha ha....ha....ha.
Banjeer Bhutto,badle ki aag me apne desh Pakistan wapas chali jati hai aur sochti hai kis tarah se mai Lehru ji se badla lu? to agli baar Banjeer Bhutto,Lehru ko apne desh bulati hai aur ek raat apni sexy adaao se Lehru ji ko apni Chudai ke liya majboor karti hai to Lehru Ji bhi apna mota Lund Banjeer ki Choot me ghusa dete hai ,thori der baad Banjeer haste hue bolti hai haha......ha..ha...ha pura India mere paas(kabje) me hai to Lehru Ji bolte hai Behan ki lauri tujhe galatphahmi ho rahi hai aur Banjeer ka haath apne Andkosh me lagakar bolte hai,abhi bhi Andamaan Nikobaar Ajaad aur bahaar hai.
Banjeer Bhutto hamare desh ko kisi tarah se apne desh se milana chahti thi aur Lehru ji aisa bilkul nahi chahte they.Ek baar Banjeer Bhutto hamare desh me aati hai to Lehru ji ek raat Banjeer Bhutto ki Chuchiya(Mumme/Breast) pakar ke bolte hai waaah... ab to sara pakistaan mere hath me hai,Ha ha....ha....ha.
Banjeer Bhutto,badle ki aag me apne desh Pakistan wapas chali jati hai aur sochti hai kis tarah se mai Lehru ji se badla lu? to agli baar Banjeer Bhutto,Lehru ko apne desh bulati hai aur ek raat apni sexy adaao se Lehru ji ko apni Chudai ke liya majboor karti hai to Lehru Ji bhi apna mota Lund Banjeer ki Choot me ghusa dete hai ,thori der baad Banjeer haste hue bolti hai haha......ha..ha...ha pura India mere paas(kabje) me hai to Lehru Ji bolte hai Behan ki lauri tujhe galatphahmi ho rahi hai aur Banjeer ka haath apne Andkosh me lagakar bolte hai,abhi bhi Andamaan Nikobaar Ajaad aur bahaar hai.
Watch out.... Boys
A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the
city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he
retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has
some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the
man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"
The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then
pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to
him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets
the same treatment, and he is again given two hundred dollars.
The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees
the madam, she asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me
two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred
dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."
city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he
retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has
some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the
man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"
The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then
pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to
him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets
the same treatment, and he is again given two hundred dollars.
The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees
the madam, she asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me
two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred
dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."
Things You Really Shouldn't Say During Sex
Things You Really Shouldn't Say During Sex
* Is it in yet?
* (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothin', and you?
* Do I have to pay for this?
* You look better in the dark.
* I think that goes in the other hole...
* Hey! My mom has that same bra...
* I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
* Hurry up, the game is about to start.
* ZzZzZz
* Are you trynna be funny?
* Can I have a ride home after this?
* Are those real?
* Is that smell coming from you?
* Haven't you ever done this before?
* I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
* You're so much like your sister....
* Your mom is really cute.
* What's your name again?
* Do I have to be here in the mornin'?
* A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
* But you just started!
* Don't touch that!
* Smile for the camera, honey!
* I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
* I knew you wore a padded bra!
* You wanted me to use a condom?
* Hold on, let me change the channel...
* Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
* Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
* Stop breathin'...you're foggin' up the wind-shield.
* Stop innerruptin' me!
* It's okay, honey, I can imagine that it's bigger.
* God, I wish you were a real woman.
* Why can't you ever shave your legs?
* How much do I owe you?
* How come we each have a penis?
* Just use your finger, its bigger.
* Does your family have to watch?
* We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
* Get off me, I'll do it myself!
* Watch...my mom taught me this...
* Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
* Should I ask why you're bleedin'?
* I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
* Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
* Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?
* I'm sob'rin' up and you're gettin' ugly!
* Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
* You don't sweat much for a fat chick
* Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
* Can you take it out for a minute, I have to fart
* Is it in yet?
* (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothin', and you?
* Do I have to pay for this?
* You look better in the dark.
* I think that goes in the other hole...
* Hey! My mom has that same bra...
* I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
* Hurry up, the game is about to start.
* ZzZzZz
* Are you trynna be funny?
* Can I have a ride home after this?
* Are those real?
* Is that smell coming from you?
* Haven't you ever done this before?
* I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
* You're so much like your sister....
* Your mom is really cute.
* What's your name again?
* Do I have to be here in the mornin'?
* A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
* But you just started!
* Don't touch that!
* Smile for the camera, honey!
* I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
* I knew you wore a padded bra!
* You wanted me to use a condom?
* Hold on, let me change the channel...
* Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
* Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
* Stop breathin'...you're foggin' up the wind-shield.
* Stop innerruptin' me!
* It's okay, honey, I can imagine that it's bigger.
* God, I wish you were a real woman.
* Why can't you ever shave your legs?
* How much do I owe you?
* How come we each have a penis?
* Just use your finger, its bigger.
* Does your family have to watch?
* We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
* Get off me, I'll do it myself!
* Watch...my mom taught me this...
* Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
* Should I ask why you're bleedin'?
* I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
* Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
* Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?
* I'm sob'rin' up and you're gettin' ugly!
* Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
* You don't sweat much for a fat chick
* Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
* Can you take it out for a minute, I have to fart
Indian joke in the e-mail
A man boards a Jet Airways airplane Delhi to Mumbai and takeshis seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees an extremely attractivewoman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straighttowards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annualSexologists' Convention." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has everseen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to containhis excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's yourbusiness role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths arethose?" Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Negro men are thebest endowed when, in fact, it's the santa ji who is most likely topossess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the mostsensitive lovers, when actually it is the Bengali. However, we havefound that the best potential lover in sensuousness is the Tamilian." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes."I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don'teven know your name!" "Venkatraman!" the man blurts. "Venkatraman Mukherjee! But my friends call me Santa Singh!"
Life giving Element (Non-Veg)
A priest and a nun are travelling on a camel's back through the big Sahara Desert. While they are in the middle of the big desert the camel falls sick and dies.
The priest and the nun realize that without the camel it is not going to be easy surviving the desert and take it for granted that they are doomed to die. The Priest after a while says to the Nun, since we are both going to die and all through our life we did not get to enjoy the real life it wont matter if we indulge in the realities of nature. The nun agrees and say now that they are doomed to die it would not matter if they too would succumb to the pleasure of nature that eluded them all the time. So the priest tells the Nun that although he had ben instrumental with talking to many women he had always fascinated for women breats and as such he had never an opportunity to touch a woman's breast, so now that we are going to die does it matter if he had a feeling of the Nun's breast. The Nun sees no wrong and drops her cloak. The priest fondles the Nun's breast to his hearts content. After a While the Nun tells the priest that although she has come acroos many a handsome men she never had an opportunity to feel a Man's Dick and that now that she is doomed to die it would not matter if she could see and feel his Dick. The priest hearing this drops his trousers and the Nun proceeds to have a feeling of his Manhood by careesing the Dick. While in the process the Priest develops a huge Hard On and starts telling the Nun about what different things a Dick of a Man can do and that it being the most endowed organ God having bestowed on the Man and if this thing can be inserted in the right place can give a New life etc. thinking that the Nun would oblige for Sex. The Nun listens carefully to the Priest about his praising and after while tells the Priest " Father if this can give life back then why the hell are you wasting your time! Shove it up the dead Camel's Hole and give it life and we can be on our way home".
The priest and the nun realize that without the camel it is not going to be easy surviving the desert and take it for granted that they are doomed to die. The Priest after a while says to the Nun, since we are both going to die and all through our life we did not get to enjoy the real life it wont matter if we indulge in the realities of nature. The nun agrees and say now that they are doomed to die it would not matter if they too would succumb to the pleasure of nature that eluded them all the time. So the priest tells the Nun that although he had ben instrumental with talking to many women he had always fascinated for women breats and as such he had never an opportunity to touch a woman's breast, so now that we are going to die does it matter if he had a feeling of the Nun's breast. The Nun sees no wrong and drops her cloak. The priest fondles the Nun's breast to his hearts content. After a While the Nun tells the priest that although she has come acroos many a handsome men she never had an opportunity to feel a Man's Dick and that now that she is doomed to die it would not matter if she could see and feel his Dick. The priest hearing this drops his trousers and the Nun proceeds to have a feeling of his Manhood by careesing the Dick. While in the process the Priest develops a huge Hard On and starts telling the Nun about what different things a Dick of a Man can do and that it being the most endowed organ God having bestowed on the Man and if this thing can be inserted in the right place can give a New life etc. thinking that the Nun would oblige for Sex. The Nun listens carefully to the Priest about his praising and after while tells the Priest " Father if this can give life back then why the hell are you wasting your time! Shove it up the dead Camel's Hole and give it life and we can be on our way home".
The greatest Samurai
An American grad student was writing his thesis on ancient Japanese culture and for that he went on a 3 month trip to Japan. He heard about "Samurai and his Sword" and wanted to meet one. After asking a lot of people he found the village where a handful Samurais were still alive. So he went there and tried to find them. The locals said once a while they come to the village restaurant, so he went there.
He asked the waiter if there were any Samurais there, and the waiter pointed to a man with funny hairstyle and a long sword. The American student went to that man and asked " hello sir, I am writing about Samurais in my thesis, can you please give me a demo of you skill?"
The Samurai without lifting his head pulled out the Sword faster than a blink and put it back in the case. A fly fell on the floor cut in half.
The American applauded "Wow, I have never seen anything like this. This was so precise! you must be the fastest sword fighter"
THe Samurai said "But I am not the greatest Samurai, see that man. He is greater than me".
The American went to the second Samurai and again asked for a demo. This time also the sword came out and went back in in a second, and three flies fell on the floor each cut in precisely half. The American student was amazed "Wow, you must be the greatest Samurai!". The Samurai politely replied " No he is" and pointed to the corner.
The Student went to the corner, and saw a very very old man, in his 90's may be, drinking his tea from a cup. Hesitantly he asked "Hello Samurai, (although you don't look like one he thought in his mind), can you show me what you can do?" The Samurai replied "I can read mind".
The Student jokingly said " No, I mean what can you do with your sword? If you can still do something?" A flash came out and the sword was back in, the samurai continued sipping on his tea as if nothing has happened. A fly fell on the floor, kept buzzing and spinning round and round. The disappointed American student "well the other guy split a fly in half, another guy split 3 flies at a time, what did you do? you missed. this fly is still alive?"
The Samurai replied "But, this fly cannot make babies anymore" The student ran and ran ...
He asked the waiter if there were any Samurais there, and the waiter pointed to a man with funny hairstyle and a long sword. The American student went to that man and asked " hello sir, I am writing about Samurais in my thesis, can you please give me a demo of you skill?"
The Samurai without lifting his head pulled out the Sword faster than a blink and put it back in the case. A fly fell on the floor cut in half.
The American applauded "Wow, I have never seen anything like this. This was so precise! you must be the fastest sword fighter"
THe Samurai said "But I am not the greatest Samurai, see that man. He is greater than me".
The American went to the second Samurai and again asked for a demo. This time also the sword came out and went back in in a second, and three flies fell on the floor each cut in precisely half. The American student was amazed "Wow, you must be the greatest Samurai!". The Samurai politely replied " No he is" and pointed to the corner.
The Student went to the corner, and saw a very very old man, in his 90's may be, drinking his tea from a cup. Hesitantly he asked "Hello Samurai, (although you don't look like one he thought in his mind), can you show me what you can do?" The Samurai replied "I can read mind".
The Student jokingly said " No, I mean what can you do with your sword? If you can still do something?" A flash came out and the sword was back in, the samurai continued sipping on his tea as if nothing has happened. A fly fell on the floor, kept buzzing and spinning round and round. The disappointed American student "well the other guy split a fly in half, another guy split 3 flies at a time, what did you do? you missed. this fly is still alive?"
The Samurai replied "But, this fly cannot make babies anymore" The student ran and ran ...
Course for women... Nice one
Funny!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!
Women think they already know everything, but wait...
training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
5. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
6. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
9. Introduction to Parking
10. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
11. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
12. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
13. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
14. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Hurry!!!!!!! !! Enroll youself for one and get the remaining free........
Women think they already know everything, but wait...
training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
5. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
6. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
9. Introduction to Parking
10. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
11. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
12. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
13. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
14. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Hurry!!!!!!! !! Enroll youself for one and get the remaining free........
The Best Financial Planning
and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife
with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty
took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but soon,
my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Sunday's Sentiment / A Baby's Hug
We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a highchair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking.
Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, "Hi". He pounded his fat baby hands on the highchair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin as he wriggled and giggled with merriment.
I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man whose pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map. We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure that he smelled bad. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists.
"Hi there, baby. Hi there, big boy. I see ya, buster," the man said to Erik.
My husband and I exchanged looks. "What do we do?"
Erik continued to laugh and answer, "Hi."
Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby!
Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, "Do ya patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo!"
Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk.
My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence, all except for Erik who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid row bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments.
We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The old man sat poised between me and the door.
"Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik," I prayed.
As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby's 'pick me up' position.
Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man's. Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love and kinship. Erik in an act of total trust, love and submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder.
The man's eyes closed and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain and hard labor cradled my baby's bottom and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time.
I stood awestruck.
The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm commanding voice, "You take care of this baby."
Somehow I managed, "I will," from a throat that contained a stone.
He pried Erik from his chest lovingly and longingly, as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, "God bless you, ma'am, you've given me a reason to be thankful today."
I wasn't able to utter anything more than a hasty, "You're welcome."
With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly - and why I was saying, "My God, My God, forgive me."
I had just witnessed Christ's love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul, and a mother who only saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not.
I felt it was God asking, "Are you ready to share your son for a moment?" when He shared His for all eternity.
The ragged old man unwittingly had reminded me, "To enter the
Thought Provoking
One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big advice on the door on which it was written:
“Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared the gym”.
In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself.
The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room.
The more people reached the coffin, the more excitement heated up.
Everyone thought: “Who is this guy who was hindering my progress ? Well, at least he died !”.
One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless.
They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.
There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself.
There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:
“There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: It is YOU.
You are the only person who can revolutionize your life.
You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success.
You are the only person who can help yourself.
Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parent change, when your partner changes, when your company changes. Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that your are they only one responsible for your life.
“The most important relationship you can have, is the one you have with yourself”
Examine yourself, watch yourself. Don’t be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses: be a winner, build yourself and your reality.
The world is like a mirror: It gives back to anyone the reflection of the thoughts in which one has strongly believed.
The world and your reality are like mirrors laying in a coffin, which show to any individual the death of his divine capability to imagine and create his happiness and his success.
It’s the way you face Life that makes the difference Have a nice day !!
“Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared the gym”.
In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself.
The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room.
The more people reached the coffin, the more excitement heated up.
Everyone thought: “Who is this guy who was hindering my progress ? Well, at least he died !”.
One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless.
They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.
There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself.
There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:
“There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: It is YOU.
You are the only person who can revolutionize your life.
You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success.
You are the only person who can help yourself.
Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parent change, when your partner changes, when your company changes. Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that your are they only one responsible for your life.
“The most important relationship you can have, is the one you have with yourself”
Examine yourself, watch yourself. Don’t be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses: be a winner, build yourself and your reality.
The world is like a mirror: It gives back to anyone the reflection of the thoughts in which one has strongly believed.
The world and your reality are like mirrors laying in a coffin, which show to any individual the death of his divine capability to imagine and create his happiness and his success.
It’s the way you face Life that makes the difference Have a nice day !!
Story of Two Screws
Once upon a time there were two screws fastening a vital part of a gasoline engine. One of the screws was haughty and proud of it's shining head. The second screw was quiet, intent only on doing its job to the best of its ability.
One day a speck of rust appeared on the head of the second screw. Filled with vain pride of its own beauty, the first screw began to laugh at the second. "Your head is tarnished," the first said to the second. "Look at you. Your perfect luster is gone."
The second screw said nothing. Instead, it concentrated on what it was doing. "How ugly you have become," the first screw chortled, "and how beautiful I have remained." Then it began to laugh so hard at the second screw that it failed to notice that it was working itself loose. Finally it dropped off the engine and plunged into a small pool of dirty oil below.
With the first screw no longer holding up its end of the load, the second was faced with doing the work of two. Meanwhile the first screw, now covered with grimy oil, wailed and lamented. "Just look at me! I'm dirty and filthy and all my beauty is gone. By laughing at the blemish on my friend the second screw, I worked myself loose and fell into the muck. Now I'm doomed."
Now, it just so happened that a short time later the owner of the engine started it up. He immediately noticed that something didn't sound right -- the engine was running rough. When he checked, he instantly saw that one of the two screws holding the vital part was missing. "Ah ha!" the owner said. "One of the screws must have worked itself loose and fell to the ground, but I don't see it. Maybe it fell into that puddle of old oil."
The owner reached into the oil and found the missing screw. "Look at you," the owner said. "You're all covered with grime and oil. How ugly you are. But I will fix that right away." The owner reached for a nearby rag and wiped all the oil and grime off the first screw until it shone even brighter than before. Then he replaced it on the part. Before he turned away, he noticed a little speck of tarnish on the head of the second screw. With the second rag, he wiped the head clean and bright. Then the owner walked away.
Finally the engine was started. The two screws, now equally beautiful, held the part tight. "Forgive me, my friend," the first screw said to the second. "In my vanity, I was so busy laughing at your blemish that I did not notice that I was working myself loose."
"And what have you learned?" the second screw quietly asked.
"I learned not to judge others because I have my own sins to deal with."
"Then," the second screw said, "I forgive you."
"Thank you, my friend. And rest assured, my vanity will remain forever at the bottom of that dirty puddle of oil."
Information about your Cell phone
Would you like to know if your mobile is original or not ?????
Press the following on your mobile *#06# and the-international mobile equipment identity number appears. Then check the 7th and 8th numbers:
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 02 or 20 this means your cell phone was assembled in Emirateswhich is very Bad quality
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 08 or 80 this means your cell phone was manufactured inGermany which is fair quality
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 01 or 10 this means your cell phone was manufactured inFinland which is very Good
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 00 this means your cell phone was manufactured in original factory which is the best Mobile Quality
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 13 this means your cell phone was assembled in Azerbaijanwhich is very Bad quality and also dangerous for your health
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for
survival. Check out the things that you can do with it: -
(1 )
EMERGENCY
* The Emergency Number worldwide for **Mobile** is 112 ..* If you find
yourself out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an
emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to
establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.. **Try it out.**
(2)
Have you locked your keys in the car? Does you car have remote keys?
This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call
someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock.
Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object.. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: *It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"*
(3)
Hidden Battery power
Imagine your cell battery is very low , you are expecting an important call
and you don't have a charger.... Nokia instrument comes with a reserve
battery. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with
this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This
reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.
AND
(4 )
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone:
* # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset... Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. when your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
Press the following on your mobile *#06# and the-international mobile equipment identity number appears. Then check the 7th and 8th numbers:
| | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 th | 8 th | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | | | | | | | | |
| Phone serial no. | x | x | x | x | x | x | ? | ? | x | x | x | x | x | x | x | | | | | | | | |
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 02 or 20 this means your cell phone was assembled in Emirateswhich is very Bad quality
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 08 or 80 this means your cell phone was manufactured inGermany which is fair quality
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 01 or 10 this means your cell phone was manufactured inFinland which is very Good
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 00 this means your cell phone was manufactured in original factory which is the best Mobile Quality
IF the Seventh & Eighth digits are 13 this means your cell phone was assembled in Azerbaijanwhich is very Bad quality and also dangerous for your health
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for
survival. Check out the things that you can do with it: -
(1 )
EMERGENCY
* The Emergency Number worldwide for **Mobile** is 112 ..* If you find
yourself out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an
emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to
establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.. **Try it out.**
(2)
Have you locked your keys in the car? Does you car have remote keys?
This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call
someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock.
Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object.. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: *It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"*
(3)
Hidden Battery power
Imagine your cell battery is very low , you are expecting an important call
and you don't have a charger.... Nokia instrument comes with a reserve
battery. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with
this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This
reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.
AND
(4 )
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone:
* # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset... Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. when your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
birthday gift
The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:
Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....
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Scroll Down……
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A Weight Machine
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The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder !
Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.
'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Scroll Down……
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.
.
.
.
.
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A Weight Machine
.
.
The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder !
January 3rd Stolen Jokes
The fairy godmother assures her that she can help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella's rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with gold sequins and elegant glass slippers. Cinderella continues to cry and says "
I cant go to the ball because it is a long way to go and I don't know how I am ever going to get there"
The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables, selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves her magic wand and they are transformed into a wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses - as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a leek and magically they become a coachman, who climbs up and takes the reigns and a footman who opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders should step inside. Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong and Cinders replies "It is the time of the month when I have my period and the ugly sisters have taken all the sanitary towels so I still can't go to the ball"
Looking into the almost empty vegetable basket the fairy godmother takes out an enormous turnip and with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampax tampon which she hands to Cinders saying " There you go my dear, but whatever you do, for fucks sake get back by midnight"
Is Rolf There?
Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"
"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.
The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."
He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.
The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................
;The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I just love happy endings!
Paul
Mrs. Jones, deeply troubled, was consulting a psychiatrist.
"My husband," she said, "is convinced he's a chicken. He goes around squawking constantly and sleeps on a large bar of wood he has fixed up as a perch."
"I see," said the psychiatrist thoughtfully. "And how long has your husband been suffering from this fixation?"
"For nearly two years now."
The psychiatrist frowned slightly and said, "But why have you waited till now to seek help?"
Mrs. Jones blushed and said, "Oh, well - it was so nice having a steady supply of eggs."
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your damn brother won't let me in without a tie."
Stan
A terrific explosion took place in a gunpowder factory. Once all the mess had been cleared up, an inquiry began. One of the survivors was being interviewed about the cause of the blast.
"Okay, Simpson, you were near the scene. What happened?"
"Well, it's like this, sir. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"Charley Higgins was smoking in the mixing room?!? Do you know how long he had been with the company?"
"I think it was about twenty years, wasn't it?"
"Yes. Twenty years in the company and he went and struck a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought something like that would be the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir," he said sadly, "it was."
Stan
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight.. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash and the light turns yellow.
The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and scream curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The police officer tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the police officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
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