MORTY & SADIE

Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house,


Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.


"Imagine that, Morty," she says, "Someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."


But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."


"OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."


Morty keeps to his word.


One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.


Morty shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Er... Marvin has started smoking again."

punishment air force style

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.


So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.


This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.


Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.




As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished".


Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,


stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.


Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

33 Names of Things You Never Knew had Names

1. AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
2. ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.
3. CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
4. COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
5. DRAGÉES - Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.








6. FEAT - A dangling curl of hair.
7. FERRULE - The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.
8. HARP - The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
9. HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER - A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and a 16th note is a semiquaver.)








10. JARNS,
11. NITTLES,
12. GRAWLIX,
13. and QUIMP - Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.
14. KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.
15. KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.








16. LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.
17. MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.
18. NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
19. OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is 'asleep'.
20. OCTOTHORPE - The symbol '#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.








21. OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.
22. PEEN - The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
23. PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.
24. PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
25. RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.
26. ROWEL - The revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs.








27. SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
28. SCROOP - The rustle of silk.
29. SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit mail without leaving their cars.
30. SPRAINTS - Otter dung.
31. TANG - The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
32. WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.
33. ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffeea cup.

The Phone Call

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.

"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"

"No, this is 232-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said,

"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Waah Kya "SHAYRI" hai !

January 6th Stolen Jokes

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign "Cruise Special -- $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."



A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was  leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'



In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it.

He says loudly, "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."

Several people quietly leave.

He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says, "Hey,
limey:
how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"

He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left.

He says, "Hey, limey, I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near every country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole of the world."

The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and, turning, delicately enquires of the American, "Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"

Lunch With God

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.






When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park, just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her some chips. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.








Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Again, she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat






There all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.








As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave; but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old woman, and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.








When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"








Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?" She replied! "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However, before her son responded, she added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."








Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of








Which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! Embrace all equally!

The Lagoon

May be you have heared about the Great Barrier Reef, stretching some 1,800 miles from New Guinea to Australia. Tour guides regularly take visitors to view the reef.


On one tour, a traveler asked the guide an interesting question."I noticed that the lagoon side of the reef looks pale and lifeless, while the ocean side is vibrant and colorful," the traveler observed. "Why is this?"


The guide gave an interesting answer:"The coral around the lagoon side is in still water with no challenge for its survival. It dies early. The coral on the ocean side is constantly being tested by wind, waves, and storms -- surges of power. It has to fight for survival every day of its life.As it is challenged and tested, it changes and adapts. It grows healthy. It grows strong. And it reproduces."


Then he added this telling note: "That's the way it is with every living organism."


That's how it is with people. Challenged and tested, we come alive! Like coral pounded by the sea, we grow. Physical demands can cause us to grow stronger. Mental and emotional stress can produce tough-mindedness and resiliency. Spiritual testing can produce strength of character and faithfulness . So, you have problems? No problem! Just tell yourself, "There I grow again!".


Remember, A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner- English Proverb.

Durex Condom Ad

Very Funny Condom Ad by Durex
It shows the real use of Condoms by Condoms
Use plastic to Reduce Population :)

Plane Lands in Water

An airplane crash lands in water very near to beach
and look at the people watching and screaming
This video is also said to be fake
What do you think, is it fake or for real.

Top 10 Goals ever Scored

Here is a Video of top 10 goals ever scored in the world of Soccer
Amazing skills shown by these footballers.

Sexy Barmaid

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.
"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Jor challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you," she cried.
"Oh well," Joe said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

10 Rules for Dating

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny.
2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you," and "you're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.
5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.
9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEAST ONE OF THE PARTNERS!
10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather...

Rest of the years between wifes legs

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."

Therapy

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc,

you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No

matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on

your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the

bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun

person, an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.

Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office

a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same

downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked

the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of

the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Rabit and Bear

There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear
and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree.

The tree said: "I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will
stop fighting!"

So the bear went first. "I wish all the bears in the forest are females."
And all the bears in the forest turned into females.

The rabbit said: "I wish I had a helmet." Rabbit gets the helmet and
the bear looks at him funny.

The bear wishes: "I wish all the bears in the country are females." The
wish was granted.

The rabbit says, "I wish I have a motorcycle." By this point the bear
thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he's ever seen.

The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.

The bear says: "I wish all the bears in the world are female." The wish
is granted.

When it's the rabbit's turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his
motorcycle, and says: "I wish that bear is gay."

Unga-Banga

There were these three men stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden the natives surrounded them, unhappy to see Americans on their island. The angry chief gave them a choice.

�Death or unga-bunga!� He shouted.

The first man really didn�t want to die, so he chose unga-bunga.

The entire tribe bent him over a fallen tree and butt-fucked him.

The second man said, �Man, I don�t want to sound gay or anything, but I definately don�t want to die either. Okay�.unga-bunga.�

The entire tribe bent him over a fallen tree and butt-fucked him.

The third man, disgusted by his friends� decisions, shouted, �Death!�

To that, the chief shouted, �Death by unga-bunga!�

Adult Education

A elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education.

She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn�t think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired.

On the first day of school she drew a woman�s body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class �Does anyone know what this is called?�

Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered �It�s called a �breast� and my mommy has two of them!�

�Very good,� said the teacher. Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked �Does anyone know what this is called?�

This time Billy raised his hand. �I know what it is! It�s called a �penis� and my daddy has two of them.�

�That�s the right name,� said the teacher, but I don�t think your daddy has two of them.�

�Yes he does!� said Billy. �He has a little one that he uses to pee, and big one he brushes mommy�s teeth with!�

Tonight is the Nite-Sex.....

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the
frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for
certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went
down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the
person�s smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often
each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to
ear.
�Twice a day,� the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man
said no. �Once a day, then?� Again the answer was no. �Twice a week?�
�No.�
�Twice a month?�
�No.�
When the doctor asked, �Once a year?� the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn�t worked with this
individual, and he asked the man, �What the heck are you so happy
about?�
The man answered, �Tonight�s the night!�

The Desperate Girl!

A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she
opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll
ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his
daughter with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll
ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so
she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband
sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to
him.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.

"I am watching the game with my son-in-law!"

Love With Teacher

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

'Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?'

'I'm in love,' replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, 'With whom?'

'With you!' he said.

'But Little Johnny,' said the teacher gently, 'don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child.'

'Oh, don't worry,' said Little Johnny reassuringly, 'I'll use a condom!'

Dress Of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter, 'What are you doing naked?'

The daughter responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her, 'What are you doing naked?'

She responds, 'This is the dress of love.'

'Well,' he says to her, 'go iron it.'

Mother and Child ( Non Veg )

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

'Mother, where do babies come from?'

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, 'Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.'

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, 'That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy�s vagina. That�s how you get a baby, honey.'

The child seems to comprehend.

'Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy�s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'

'Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.'