Redneck

In the backwoods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labour in the
middle of the night.   

A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous redneck busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and
said, "Here, hold this high so I can see what I'm doing".   

Soon a wee baby   boy was brought into the world.   

 "Whoa there Enus!" said the doctor.
"Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down.. I think there's yet another wee
one to come."  

Sure enough within minutes he had delivered another little   baby.   

"No, no, dont be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,
" Do ye think it's der light that's attractin' em?" 

Seniors Fishing

UP OR DOWN SEX
   
   
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly Gentleman and an elderly lady. Struck up a conversation and discovered that.They both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day!
   
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
   
"Do you want to go up or down?"
   
 All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced     the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
    

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"   
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
 he asked her to go fishing again the next day!
   
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
   

The woman replied, "Down."
    

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the Lady,

 

"Up or down ?"
    

She replied, "Up.This really confused the gentleman so he asked "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made made Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
   
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
 my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
   
"Fuck or drown." 

LITTLE OLD LADY

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front

porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

 

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

 

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord! The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

 

"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

 

 The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

 

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!

Chatting During Flight

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

 

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the southern congressman. ‘How about global warming or universal health care’, and he smiles smugly.

 

OK, ‘ she said. ‘Those could be interesting topics.. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’

 

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

 

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?

The nightie

 A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
    
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
   
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
    
He never heard the shot.
    
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
    
Closed coffin.

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