How To Become A Dad

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.


She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.


'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.




At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'


I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.




'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '


'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

drinks

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."


So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."


The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.


The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."


The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."


The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.


The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"


The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink.

Sweeter Sides of Life

[1] Sweeter Sides of Life


Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."
Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot’ n’Spicy, "Delicious anytime."
Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."
Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."


[2] Better Dead than Alive


A bachelor Man asked his physician, “I Want to live healthy and longer.”
The Doctor advised, “Good thought, Get married.”
The man asked, “Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer.”
The Doctor said, “No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought.”


[3] An Alien Observation


“A great handshake was observed in two humans of opposite sex at a wedding ring before a deadly bout of Lifetime.”


[4] Respect to a Dead Union


A husband reminded the wife, “Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary and I want to start the day with two minute’s in silence.”


[5] Love Kills


Marry with Love or have someone arrange it for you and then love. What the hell is the difference? Ultimate is the same, "Suicide of Harakiri or Killing of Guillotine."


[6] Strange Divinity


And God makes such a beautiful, lovely, pleasant, marvelous creature as woman for man, then suddenly he turns around and sticks him as wife.


[7] Senseless and Careless


A man before marriage stays awake happily whole night contemplating about the wordage of lover woman.
Then after marriage he starts snoring faster then loving wife utters the first word.


[8] Wise Saying


Your money gets transferred faster than lightning When you marry.


[9] For unmarried only


“Happy Independence Day.”


[10] Grass is greener on other side


Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order the best dish of your choice from the menu and yet damn you find your friend’s dish more alluring.


[11] Decent Burial


A just recently divorced, hit hard, badly publicized, rich man received a telegram.
“Your Ex-wife dead. Advise preference burial or cremation? Funeral cost you pay.”
The man quickly responded, “Burn the Body high flames and Bury the Ash deep grounds. I pay all the expenses.”


[12] Wild Fiction


A just engaged man goes in the Library to search books on “The sex and my woman.”
He asked the female librarian, “Ma’ am, I want the book something like, “Master of my woman.”
The librarian advised, “Our fiction and fantasy books are in the basement.”


[13] Promise Keeper


Once a man told then his lover, “Marry me, I would even go to hell for you.”
The girl trusted the promise and married him.
The Man kept his words, "He is going through the hell of his life for now his wife."


[14] Never drying tears


A woman brings you in this world with you crying and other one keeps you alive in this world with you crying.


[15] Law of Double Jeopardy


The Law does not permit a man to marry a second woman.
The Law cannot punish a man twice for the same offence!

The loyal wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.




Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.




Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.




When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.




Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.




So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."




The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."




"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"




"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

The Secret

Once I was asked by my Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy
married life?"I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love
andRespect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."He asked,
"Can you explain?"I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues
where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each
other's decisions."Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some
examples"I said," Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much
amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner,
refrigerator , monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are
decided by my wife. I just agree to it"He asked, "Then what is your role?"I
said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America
should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe,
whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire,
etc etc and Do you know one thing,My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of
these"

Some Good Lines...

NEVER CRY FOR ANY RELATION IN LIFE


BECAUSE FOR THE ONE WHOM YOU CRY


DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR TEARS


AND THE ONE WHO DESERVES


WILL NEVER LET YOU CRY.................




*********








TREAT EVERYONE WITH POLITENESS


EVEN THOSE WHO ARE RUDE TO YOU,


NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NICE


BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NICE.......................




*********




NEVER SEARCH YOUR HAPPINESS


IN OTHERS


WHICH WILL MAKE YOU


FEEL ALONE,


RATHER SEARCH IT IN YOURSELF


YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY


EVEN IF YOU ARE LEFT ALONE......................




*********




ALWAYS HAVE


A POSITIVE ATTITUDE IN LIFE.


THERE IS SOMETHING POSITIVE


IN EVERY PERSON.


EVEN A STOPPED WATCH IS RIGHT


TWICE A DAY...................................




*********




HAPPINESS ALWAYS LOOKS SMALL


WHEN WE HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS.


BUT WHEN WE LEARN TO


SHARE IT,


WE REALIZE HOW BIG AND PRECIOUS IT IS...

ZINDAGI kIS MOD PE LE AAYI

जिन्दगी ये kis मोड पे ले आयी ह

जिन्दगी ये kis मोड पे ले आयी है ,

ना मा, बाप, बहन , ना यहा कोई भाई है .

हर लडकी का है Boy Friend, हर लडके ने Girl Friend पायी है ,

चंद दिनो के है ये रिश्ते , fir वही रुसवायी है .

घर जाना Home Sickness कहलाता है ,

पर Girl Friend से मिलने को टाईम रोज mil जाता है .

दो दिन से नही पुछा मां की तबीयत का हाल ,

Girl Friend से पल - पल की खबर पायी है,

जिन्दगी ये kis मोड पे ले आयी है …..

कभी खुली हवा मे घुमते थे ,

अब AC की आदत लगायी है .

धुप हमसे सहन नही होती ,

हर कोई देता यही दुहाई है .

मेहनत के काम हम करते नही ,

इसीलिये Gym जाने की नौबत आयी है .

McDonalds, PizaaHut जाने लगे,

दाल- रोटी तो मुश्कील से खायी है .

जिन्दगी ये किस मोड पे ले आयी है …..

Work Relation हमने बडाये ,

पर दोस्तो की संख्या घटायी है .

Professional ने की है तरक्की ,

Social ने मुंह की खायी है.

जिन्दगी ये kis मोड पे ले आयी ह