Written by a 90 year old.
This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
Apr 3, 2010
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING "PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS
Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
Funny Sex Quotes
“My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.”
Les Dawson
“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.”
Steve Martin
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
Woody Allen
“Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.”
Woody Allen
“My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.”
Joan Rivers
“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
Woody Allen
“What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I’m home.”
Ken Hammond
“I know nothing about sex because I was always married.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.”
Brendan Francis
“Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.”
Woody Allen
“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”
Woody Allen
“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”
Phyllis Diller
“Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.”
Dave Letterman
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.”
Steve Jobs
“Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.”
Scott Roeben
“Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!”
Drew Carey
Les Dawson
“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.”
Steve Martin
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
Woody Allen
“Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.”
Woody Allen
“My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.”
Joan Rivers
“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
Woody Allen
“What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I’m home.”
Ken Hammond
“I know nothing about sex because I was always married.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.”
Brendan Francis
“Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.”
Woody Allen
“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.”
Woody Allen
“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”
Phyllis Diller
“Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.”
Dave Letterman
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.”
Steve Jobs
“Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.”
Scott Roeben
“Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!”
Drew Carey
When I Negotiated with God
God came and asked me for a wish, I told GOD “Let all my friends be healthy and happy forever!"
GOD said: But for 4 days only!
I said: Yes, let them be a Spring Day, Summer Day, Autumn Day, and Winter Day.
GOD said: 3 days...
I said: Yes, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.
GOD said: No, 2 days!
I said: Yes, a Bright Day (Daytime) and Dark Day (Night-time) .
GOD said: No, just 1 day!
I said: Yes!
GOD asked: Which day?
I said: Every Day in the living years of all my friends!
GOD laughed, and said: You know how to negotiate. But since you are praying and asking happiness for your friends, I can't refuse. I love everyone who thinks of others first, so don't you worry.
GOD said: But for 4 days only!
I said: Yes, let them be a Spring Day, Summer Day, Autumn Day, and Winter Day.
GOD said: 3 days...
I said: Yes, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.
GOD said: No, 2 days!
I said: Yes, a Bright Day (Daytime) and Dark Day (Night-time) .
GOD said: No, just 1 day!
I said: Yes!
GOD asked: Which day?
I said: Every Day in the living years of all my friends!
GOD laughed, and said: You know how to negotiate. But since you are praying and asking happiness for your friends, I can't refuse. I love everyone who thinks of others first, so don't you worry.
How A Man Discover And Lady Enjoys...
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.... ...
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.... ...
Sex Definitions
THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex,
especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or
the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest
DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on
her teeth
STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's
private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or
the shrill voice of an unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest
DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on
her teeth
STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's
private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
FRIENDS WITHOUT FACES
We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens
We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.
We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody, to type out our name
We want recognition, but it is always the same.
We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt
In IMs we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.
We do form friendships - but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.
Why is it on screen, we can be so bold
Telling our secrets, that have never been told.
Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see, as though we were blind.
The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must
So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust.
Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names.
Take this week to have fun and be sure to let those "friends
without faces" know how much you appreciate them.
Happy Online Friendship Week!
Pass this on to all your friends, and let them know that you care.
We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.
With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.
We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.
We wait for somebody, to type out our name
We want recognition, but it is always the same.
We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt
In IMs we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.
We do form friendships - but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.
Why is it on screen, we can be so bold
Telling our secrets, that have never been told.
Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see, as though we were blind.
The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.
We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must
So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust.
Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names.
Take this week to have fun and be sure to let those "friends
without faces" know how much you appreciate them.
Happy Online Friendship Week!
Pass this on to all your friends, and let them know that you care.
Responses to Pick Up Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
____
The night was almost gone,
As I opened my eyes with a yawn.
I was quite amazed
With her thighs on my face,
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.
As I opened my eyes with a yawn.
I was quite amazed
With her thighs on my face,
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.
A Few Jokes Today
Two Women, Two Men
Women are chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Summers Almost Here .. Warning !
When you go to the beach, you should always follow an important rule:
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
*NEVER !*
rub suntan lotion on someone you don't know
Dyeing Nun
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"
Italian Women are Tough
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli
wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would
have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed
paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was
already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when
suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife who said:
"Va fanculo!"
"Questi sono per il funerale."
(Translation - Fuck off - these are for the funeral).
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli
wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would
have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed
paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was
already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when
suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife who said:
"Va fanculo!"
"Questi sono per il funerale."
(Translation - Fuck off - these are for the funeral).
smile......
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year
scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap
is
5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The
bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces
and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this
filth.
Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed,
the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
"Ah, now that`s the real thing."
A
disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great
interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man
and
says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this
one."
The
man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh!
This stuff tastes like piss!"
The
drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
.
Pappu: Dad how was I born?
Dad:
well son, your Mom & I got to gether at ‘YAHOO’ we set us a date via
E-Mail, & Met in a cyber cafe, Your Mom agreed to dowload data from my
PEN DRIVE, JUST when I was about to “Transfer” we realised that none of us
have installed “FIREWALL” IT was too late to DELETE 9 months later a POP-UP
Window appeared & said YOU HAVE GOT A MALE
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A
man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad
for "Gorilla Removers." he calls the number, and the gorilla
remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab
the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?"
asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap
is
5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The
bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces
and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this
filth.
Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed,
the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
"Ah, now that`s the real thing."
A
disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great
interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man
and
says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this
one."
The
man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh!
This stuff tastes like piss!"
The
drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
.
Pappu: Dad how was I born?
Dad:
well son, your Mom & I got to gether at ‘YAHOO’ we set us a date via
E-Mail, & Met in a cyber cafe, Your Mom agreed to dowload data from my
PEN DRIVE, JUST when I was about to “Transfer” we realised that none of us
have installed “FIREWALL” IT was too late to DELETE 9 months later a POP-UP
Window appeared & said YOU HAVE GOT A MALE
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A
man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad
for "Gorilla Removers." he calls the number, and the gorilla
remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab
the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be
subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?"
asks the homeowner.
If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
Confidence in Company's Own Software
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,
he replies :
"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!! !
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight,
he replies :
"If it is the same software that is developed by my company's IT systems department, this plane won't even take off." !!!!
That is called Confidence!! !
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