Things that end with "tor"

*A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat
things. *

*The first little boy says, "Alligator."*

*"Very good, that's a big word."*

*The second boy says, "Predator."*

*"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."*

*Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."*

*After nearly falling off her chair, she says, *

*"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."*

*"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no
tomorrow!"*

Hearing aid

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.  So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home.  I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning!  He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."

Inquire like a child.

Children are not at all afraid to ask questions or make inquiries.
Recently I saw three little children lined up in front of me at the
airport.  The three siblings were asking a young lady standing behind
them whether she spoke Spanish.  Although the young lady in question
was obviously from the Indian subcontinent, the children were asking
this question in Spanish itself.  They had no preconceived notions to
limit their inquiries.  They did not assume that the lady would be
annoyed with their 'silly' questions, nor did they think, She doesn't
look like she would know Spanish.  No!  They just asked.  The young
woman looked puzzled, not having understood what they were saying.

So, what happened?  I overheard and told the children that I did speak
Spanish.  Right away they started firing questions at me.  Where are
you going?  India, I told them.  They asked if there is a war going on
in India, if there are weapons in India (at least that is what I
understood) and whether India is beautiful.  I told them no, yes and
yes.  The questions were fast and furious.  What is the meaning of the
mark on your forehead?  Why is it different from the one on the other
lady's forehead?  They wanted to know the significance of the tilak I
had applied to the forehead, and they found the answers fascinating.

These children did not fear they would appear foolish due to the
questions; they kept satisfying their curiosity and learned something
they did not know earlier.  Adults are forever saying, "I wanted to
ask, but I was afraid I would sound like a fool."  Children do not
care whether they seem like fools; they just ask.

You may say, "But all questions are not important."  And you are
right.  They are not.  But there are very important questions, such as
WHO AM I, WHAT IS THE AIM OF LIFE?  HOW WILL I FULFILL MY TRUE AIM?
Such questions are truly worth inquiring about.

Inquire like a child.

Blonde-Moment: Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

 (You're gonna love this....)



 She said, 'I'm going home, too. You can't possibly expect me to work in the dark.

Negative People - a must read! and a good laugh.

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their               best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.   

 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the               hairdresser, who responded:   

 "  Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"  

 "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   

 "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and               they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome                                  ?" 
 "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."   

 "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 
 "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the               Pope."

 "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

 Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."  
 A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .  

 "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   

 And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

 "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."  
 "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  

 Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."  
 "Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"   

  
 He said: "Who fucked up your hair?" 

The psychic

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really, really you, Grandmother?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”

The woman looks puzzled: “You’re sure it’s you, Grandmother?”

“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my child.”

“When did you learn to speak English”??
 

Random Thoughts

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this thing I have– ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old grandson asked me in the car the other day, “Grandma, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with a Kay jeweler product.
 

Your Eyes Will Pain

Teachers

Teachers: These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers

in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded

(but, boy, are these funny!).

12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

11. I would not allow this student to breed.

10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them..

7. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

6. This child has been working with glue too much.

5. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

3. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.



Cops: These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota... Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

Women's Are Very Difficult..

If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman
If you don't,
you are not a man

Join smilingsmilers for Innovative Mails

If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying
If you don't,
you are good for nothing

Join smilingsmilers for Innovative Mails

If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp
If you don't,
you are not understanding

Join smilingsmilers for Innovative Mails

If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring
If you don't,
she accuses you of double-crossing

Join smilingsmilers for Innovative Mails

If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
you are a dull boy

Join smilingsmilers for Innovative Mails

If you are jealous,
she says it's bad
If you don't,
she thinks you do not love her

Join smilingsmilers for Innovative Mails

If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
she thinks you do not like her


If you are a minute late,
she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
she says that's a girl's way


If you visit another man,
you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it's natural, we are girls"


If you kiss her once in a while,
she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often,
she yells that you are taking advantage


If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics
If you do,
she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction


If you stare at another woman,
she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men,
she says that they are just admiring


If you talk,
she wants you to listen
If you listen,
she wants you to talk


In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful... ....WOMEN!

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH

Ladies.....

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.  ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and  I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion  where you could  wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'' (NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?) Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Toothbrush??

Little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting

dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not

 

wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's

a

secret." The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that

long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to

explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me." A

couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I

finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a

 

toothbrush!" "Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid

sliding

it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her

 

chin."